lost baby, back to depression again trig

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
lost baby, back to depression again trig
10
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 12:29pm
i'm new to this board, so first i will introduce myself. i am leslie, age 23, mother of one boy who is 22 months old, and have been married for 2 1/2 yrs (although i have been with DH for 7 1/2 total yrs now). we learned in november that i was expecting child #2, and although unplanned, we have been excited. our first son is such a joy to us, even having severe hemophilia (his blood does not clot). as you can imagine, we were slightly worried about this child but having been through so much with DS, we knew we could handle whatever came our way.
yesterday, i got out of bed about 7:30 with DS. first stop for all pregnant women? bathroom of course! but i didn't expect the blood. it wasn't much, but i knew something was wrong. i had a miscarriage in august 2 days after finding out i was pregnant, it was painful and i was very upset, but i knew i would be ok. this time i wasn't so sure. i'm supposed to be 12 wks along now. i called the nurse, she said if it isn't much, not to worry. if i soak a pad, go to the ER. so i waited, laying down all morning. but the cramping started, and as time passed it got worse. i called the nurse back, she said to go to the ER. i think at that point i'd have gone anyway. soooo, we show up there and they see me immediately. first thing, something for the pain and an IV for fluids. then he does a vaginal exam, says the cervix is closed and to the back (good sign that it's closed). he sends me to radiology for a sono. i knew then everything was definitely NOT ok, if i hadn't known before. the baby was just laying there. they could detect no heartbeat, no movement, and she asked again if i was sure of my last menstrual period. i was sure. but i knew, when DS was inside and i had a sono at 10 wks, he was a dancing gummy bear. this baby was not ok. i went to the bathroom after the sono, to do a UA, and then the blood started worsening - bright red too. i began to cry when i got back to my room and told DH that this wasn't ok, the baby wasn't ok, i knew for sure. about 10 minutes later, they came in with the news (and more meds to calm me, i suppose, i was sobbing so hard).
he said the baby was gone, had been for some weeks. he was classifying it on paper as fetal demise, but then because of my HCG levels he thought it was possible blighten ovum (where the egg is fertilized and the sac forms, but the fertilized egg stops developing while the sac continues to grow). he said my levels were over 20,000, which seemed rather high for the size of the fetus vs. due date.
the bleeding hasn't been that bad, and even stopped yesterday evening. it hasn't picked up this morning, just a little bit here and there. if the baby has been dead for 5 or 6 wks, as he believes based on measurements, then i may have to have a D&C because my cervix isn't dialating to deliver and infection could set in.
i have suffered from depression and anxiety since i was 16-17 yrs old. i'm 23 now. i quit taking my paxil cr and klonipin the day i knew i was pregnant, as my psychologist told me to. i'm scared to start again, knowing how hard it is to get off of them (the withdrawal makes me sick for weeks, i've had to do it before) and knowing i will have to stop eventually, with DH wanting to try again for a baby next year. but i am very sad, can't sleep, can't concentrate, just not sure where to go from here. after 2 losses in a row, i am worried that it will happen again. so is DH. he wants to see a specialist before we try again, the doc said to wait at least 4 months before trying to allow for everything to heal and clear out. we are thinking more like a year.
well that's my story, sorry it's so long.
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 12:39pm

(((((Leslie))))), my sincerest sympathies for your loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 12:45pm
(((HUGS))) to you as well. i have nearly lost DS on numerous occassions, started when he was 2 days old and we had him circumsized without knowing...and even now we have problems with the hemophilia. the meds help, but can't fix everything right away.
thank you for your reply. it's nice to know there are others out there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 2:16pm

I am so sorry for the loss of your child that has to be really hard.

Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 8:33pm

At first I wasn't going to read this post. I knew it would bring the loss of my baby back. I was only a month along. But when they didn't find a heartbeat I knew. The doctor I had was cold and uncaring and said "American women have more miscarriages just because they find out too early" I was mortified and I had gone off Effexor cold turkey to have the baby and I was in such a horrible mental state that his words sent me over the edge. I was hospitalized for 8 days two days later. I have had 5 pregancies and one child out of those five. She is my miracle. But that last miscarriage was the hardest I ever went through. I haven't yet been able to get out of the depression it set me in. But I fight it everyday. I am 38 now and I know there will be no more babies for me and that makes me sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 10:00am

Leslie,

I have been in your shoes too! First I totally agree with the post on getting to the bottom of your health problems. I would see a specialist. I did immediately after my third miscarriage. Second, I want to send you BIG HUGS! You are not alone. So many of us have been thru that but don't talk about it.

I have had 5 miscarriages. None happened less than 15 weeks along. But I have one very beautiful angel that is 4 now. She was born 6 wks premature with a heart defect, but is the light of our lives. My most recent miscarriage was last March which caused some damage and had to have surgery and can no longer have children. That depression is still there.

I have also suffered from depression for many many years and had to go off meds cold turkey too when I did get pregnant each time. That is so hard. But the specialist did find something for me to take even while I was pregnant, so there are things out there. Don't make yourself suffer thru this without help, whether it be meds or therapy. We first tried to get me thru the worst of the depression, then go off everything for a while before I tried getting pregnant again, but I just had too hard of a time. I totally agree with the post about taking those vitamins NOW! Get your body going and healthy. But give your self time to heal before trying too. I had that one bad experience with the ultrasound (knowing it was over) and all that and the staff was very cold also. They even kept telling me something must be wrong with their equipment because my HCG levels were so high also. That's when I went to a specialist. He has changed my life. And became a very good friend.

I'm here for you if you need an ear or to cry, vent, whatever.

Just don't give up hon! You have been blessed once. If he sees fit, God will bless you again! Just get yourself healthy physically and mentally first. That's most important not just for you but for the development of any baby. Hang in there and I'll keep you in my prayers (along with your son)!

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 11:32am
yes, it sounds like you've had a rough time too! i'm so sorry you cannot have more children. i worry a lot that the same sort of thing will happen to me. i had recurrent cysts on my right ovary for years, 3 surgeries to remove them. then oct 03 i had the ovary removed to stop having the pain and cysts and surgeries. they left the tube, saying that with only one ovary, the egg can *jump* and move down the other tube as well. odd, but i have heard of that. so now i am wondering if there is some damage i don't know about that has caused me to lose 2 babies in a row, or if it is just bad timing or what. i suppose i might never really know.
i see the dr today to do a sono and blood work, decide about a D&C. i would like to have one, so i know it is all cleaned out and i can start to heal. it is very uncomfortable to know i am carrying around dead cells now, no baby. frightening.
thanks for your post.
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 8:53pm

I felt the same way about the D&C I had. My dr wasn't too thrilled to do it. Just wanted my body to reabsorb it! Well, that made no sense to me and just the thought that there was still a baby there, although not living, just didn't sit right with me. I insisted on the D&C. I, too, just wanted to clean everything out and get a clean start. Needless to say, my next time around was successful. That's when I got pregnant with my dd. So I completely understand where you are coming from. If you want that D&C, go for it.

Keep me posted!

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 5:59am

I too share your pain. It is one year since I lost my baby, at about 10wks along. It was also an unplanned baby, but unplanned does not mean unwanted. We wanted it very much. I had a d&c as in South Africa, where I am from, it is pretty much routine after a loss that doesn't come away naturally. I didn't even know mine was gone. I went for a routine scan and there was no more heartbeat, and the doctor did the d&c two days later. The d&c turned out to be essential for me, as the cause of my loss was a rare condition called Partial Molar pregnancy, where two sperm go into one egg. This mean its one baby with two sets of chromosomes (we've chosen to prefer to think of it as twins entwined) and the placenta doesn't form properly. It turns into a tumour and grows at an outrageous rate. It can be cancerous, but fortunately for me, it wasn't in my case. But I only found that out after 6 wks.

I did not deal with the loss straight away. I was too busy moving homes from one country to another, and dealing with the whole cancer issue. Because I didn't grieve properly or go for any kind of counselling, I have basically been having a part time nervous breakdown for the last year, and I only finally sought help a few weeks ago.

Dealing with it is essential before you try again. I would love to try again, but can't. We can't actually afford another baby, and nor am I in any kind of emotional state to have one right now, as much as I would love one. Not to replace the one I lost, but because it made me realise that I still have love to give.

Speak to your doctor/s about finding a med that is suitable. My gynae actually said to me, it is preferable rather to be on the AD rather than risk a breakdown during the pregnancy or after the birth. You need to take care of you before you are able to care for a new one.

Hang in there.

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 5:27pm

Dear Leslie,

Like many of the other women here, I have been through this also. I am so very sorry for your loss. The baby I lost was also unplanned, but we were still excited, and was also due to a blighted ovum (they thought).

I will just add a couple of words of advice. First of all, if your doc has not sent you for bloods to see if there's anything wrong, please insist that he/she do that. They often do not. In particular, ask to have your clotting checked; I know THREE women personally who had a clotting problem that led to several miscarriages but was easily treated with a daily injection of Heparin. If your ds is a hemophiliac, I wonder if that might be an issue...I don't know if it's hereditary? The other thing is that some meds are okay to take while you are pregnant. If you are concerned, a very good website is http://www.motherisk.org It is the site of Toronto sick kids hospital, which is very well respected. If your question is not answered on their site, you can call them.

I hope that you are able to find peace, and I agree that it's a good idea to wait a bit before trying again. Any future children you have will not replace the ones that you lost, so please wait until you feel like you can handle it.

Hugs to you,
Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 5:49pm
Leslie so sorry **HUGS** :(
I dont think there is anything that we can say to help you feel better, but I want to lend you my support. Please take care of yourself ok