Can someone please help me!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Can someone please help me!!!!
4
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 10:32am

Hi everyone, I frequent the freebie boards but this morning I need some help from you guys. My ex-husband is severly depressed. I know alot of people would question this and say "EX" ???? But this is the Father of my two children and I worry because of this.

He was severly sexually abused as a child, by a family supposedly friend in which I did not know about until we split up, due to his enormous anger issues. Now he has lost his Father, and his mother is on the verge of dying now.

He has been through six jobs in the last six months and all he wants to do is sleep. He called me this morning and broke down, and his current girlfriend is trying to get him some help.

Do you think the kids should stay with me a while so that he can get his life back in order? Im not trying to be mean here, I want to help him and if the kids will help him that is fine, but I believe he needs to work on himself before he can help take care of the children.

WHat do you think??

Thanking you in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 12:10pm

Hi,

Yes it is a great idea to keep the kids for the time being. Maybe you and his girlfriend can join forces and get him to see he needs help. I don't know what the relationship is between you and her but if it's good take advantage of that fact and have her and your ex come to visit the kids. This way he won't feel you're trying to keep the kids away from him. Try telling him how important it is that HIS kids don't suffer like he did and that they need him 100% in their lives and for their sake he should consider counseling. See what happens after that. Good luck!
NB

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2005
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 3:18pm

I would definently have a heart to heart with him and explain that you are not trying to be vengeful or mean by having the kids stay with you, but you are genuinely trying to help him and are here for him through this time. I like imylife's idea in the previous post to have girlfriend AND him visit the kids together, that way he knows that you are not trying to kick him out of the kids lives.

How old are the kids? Old enough to see and understand what he is going through? I had a co-worker that went through what you are facing (very similar situation, in fact) and she sat down with the kids, and in "kid terms" explained to the kids that Daddy is okay and that he loves them very much and that his sadness is not about them. She said they then talked about some of the things that Daddy had said or done to them recently (yelling for no reason, anger problems, violence problems), and Mommy reafirmed to them that Daddy did not say/do those things because he doesn't love them, its because hes "Sad that (in your ex's case) his Mom is sick and his Dad died." She said she saw a positive change in the kids because they then understood that Daddy's anger was not about them, or him not loving them, but it was actually about other things.

Also, maybe you could talk about taking the kids for a specific period of time, (say, 2 weeks) and then agree to re-evaluate it on a weekly basis to see what is necessary. It is obviously going to take him longer than this to recooperate, but it will at least show him that you are respecting his position as their father and are not trying to keep them away from him.

You are a very kind person for wanting and trying to help your Ex. I really wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 9:20am

Thank you both so much for your advice. I sincerely appreciate it. I try to keep a good relationship with my EX for the kids sake and for thier growing years and I only want what is best for them, and at this point, I dont think seeing thier daddy sad all the time is best for them.

My children are 11 and 6. Both at a stage of change in thier lives, one is on the verge of puberty and the other is developing his independence so I am trying my best to watch everything that can influence them with a hawks eye so to speak.

I talked with my EX yesterday and told him the first thing he had to do was admit he had a problem and the next step is to face it and get some help. The reason I understand what he is going through is that I lost my Mother very suddenly and went through all of the grieving stages myself.

He is an only child and has noone to turn to, his girlfriend has some similiar issues so I dont know if she would be of any help to him at this time either.

He got so mad at his new job because he thought they were mesing with his pay, when in acuality they only made a human error, and he quit because of this, and never gave them the benefit of the doubt on it, and it is this type of knee jerk reaction behavior that worries me about him. I dont know if he is suicidal or not as I do not live with him anymore, but I think he might be. I am trying to find a way to ask in a sensative way so that I dont come off the wrong way.

Again thank you for your replies, they have been most helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:00am
I don't blam you for wanting the best for you kids. Because you ex is unstable in his work I feel it is very important that you get the kids. There maybe things they have seen that you don't know about. Lets face it kids need stablity. They need to see their father working and have his life under control. Just as an outsider I see that he is not teaching them a good work ethic. He maybe suffering from depression and needs to get help. Good luchk with that one. If he is sleeping when the kids are home from school then he isn't there for them when they need him. So yes get your kids!
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