ER visit tonight...trigs again
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| Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:56am |
Whew, what a night! I ended up giving in to the urges and took a few too many pills...then called my psychiatrist's emergency number and freaked out when she told me I'd have to go to the ER. But I did, and they rushed me in...didn't have to give me any treatment, though, so I think I'd have been fine without going...I did get to talk to a psychiatrist briefly, though, which was slightly comforting, especially since he told me that they try to take especially good care of med students there.
And I'd almost expected they would admit me, but they let me go...it did take a while, of course, but at least there's no overnight stay to explain. I did fudge my answers to the psychiatrist a little in order to appear slightly better off than I was...but oh well...
I didn't tell my parents what happened...only sent them an email earlier today saying I wasn't doing so well (which they basically know is code for "I'm drowning here!"). But when I got a semi-frantic message from my dad, I felt sure my psychiatrist had called him and told him what happened...and I just couldn't face that (because I'd talked with my dad right before taking the pills and told him I was OK...what a liar I am!).
But I returned my dad's call just now and he was just concerned because of the email...what a relief! I guess I still should tell them about this incident, but I feel like I just can't add this huge worry to their lives...the only reason I told them I was doing badly was to prepare them just in case I did end up in the hospital. And they are both worried since they know about my history of depression.
Still feel like there's not much hope out there...the doctor in the ER called my psychiatrist to tell her I was there, and my psychiatrist asked him if he had any recommendations for treating me. The ER doctor suggested maybe raising my dose of Prozac, but I can't imagine that would help a whole lot...guess it's something, though. It kind of worries me that my own doctor is asking the ER doctor for help, though!
Sorry to ramble...it's just been a long day! I spoke to my one long-time friend earlier this evening and told him I was too sad to go study...he does know a little about this, but not what happened tonight. I guess I probably shouldn't tell him either since he might get scared or mad at me. And I think talking to any of my less-close friends is out of the question...it does feel so lonely, though.
Thanks for listening, and Trac, thanks for your earlier post to me...it does mean a lot to have you all here,
Rose

(((Rose))) I really wish there was some way for me to get you to understand what an outstanding person you are.
Hi Rose
How are you doing today?
*hugs
(((((((((((((((((((((((Rose)))))))))))))))))))))))
I am going to agree with Caly and Lisa, please don't fib to your Dr's, it is so true that they can't help you really well if they don't know what is going on.
Thank you all very much...I feel pretty stupid about having done something like that. I'll come back to post later today, but my pdoc called and said she had a cancellation this afternoon, so I'm going to see her in a bit. I know I need to be honest with her, as you all said...I'm just so afraid of going to the hospital (ironically, I'm most worried about causing my parents stress, but my mom called today and said I should do what I need to in order to be safe).
So hopefully she won't put me in the hospital...I'm not exactly sure what to tell her, since I'm not even sure why I did that...but if I don't post for a day or two, that may be where I am! Thanks again for caring, you all, it's great to have you all for support and understanding,
Rose
At the risk of posting way too much and boring you all...I want to say again that I do really appreciate the support and caring...I'd feel so much more alone without it.
Tracy, I'm not sure if I can confide in anyone here...there is so much gossip going around anyway, and I don't know if I can trust people...there is my long-time friend here, but I don't think he'd understand...and there is another nice guy here as well, but he's kind of the one I have had a "thing" for, so that probably wouldn't be good either.
Lisa, thanks so much for your kind words...it means a lot. I do feel like I need something to change...but unfortunately I don't think there are any more pdocs on my insurance I can try (I left my former pdoc to see this one because this one does therapy as well as meds).
But to update, I got back from my appointment with my pdoc a few hours ago...and I'm at least as frustrated as I was before the appointment. I was very open about all my morbid thoughts and feelings...and she said it would take time to figure out their origin...which I guess I can understand...as you said, there is no "quick fix."
But what bothered me most was that I asked her several times what I could do, or what she could do, to help me just make it through my days without another incident like last night. I expected she might adjust my medication or suggest some activity I could do to help...but all she said was, "I just don't know." I even asked her again just as I was leaving, and that's the answer I got...I walked out crying again, wondering why no one seems able to give me any short-term relief, any way to deal with this oppressive sadness and pain (I don't even know where it's coming from).
She did remind me that I've felt better in the past and even have told her I was feeling fine and everything was great...hard for me to imagine, but I know it's true. So I guess the best I can hope for is that this will pass...but for now, I can't concentrate on schoolwork and feel like I'm hanging from a thread still...I thought my doctor might see things differently (or do something differently) after last night, but I guess not.
Thanks again for listening, sorry to be so sad still,
Rose
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sweetie))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I want you to take a minute and think about something.
((((((((Rose)))))))))
Hi, I mostly lurk here, but your post has really touched me.
I read your posts all the time, and ((((you are such a special lady)))). I look forward to seeing what you and the other girls here write. You have such strength and wisdom. You are important to me and I'm pretty sure many here on this board.
I'm so sorry the doc does not seem to be helping, I don't know maybe it's some type of therapy we haven't heard of yet, but I know how you feel right now, and i'm sorry.
lots of hugs coming your way ((((((((((((((((((Rose)))))))))))))))))))
feel better real soon
mel
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Rose: I am sorry you heard, "I don't know", but Tracy had all good suggestions.
I hope you find something to "tide you over" so to speak until you are feeling better.
take care, love, Josie.