so frustrated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
so frustrated!
9
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 7:58pm
i told you guys about the miscarriage, and the D&C i had tuesday because my body wouldn't deliver on it's own. yesterday i cramped a lot but didn't bleed much so i was thinking i'd heal up pretty quickly (physically anyway) and get started on feeling like myself again.
today has been very bad. DH hasn't helped much since my surgery, in fact he has left me alone tuesday and wednesday with DS (who is almost 2 and gets into everything) for a few hours each day. today DS couldn't go to daycare, has some sort of virus causing bad diarrhea, which caused a terrible and painful rash...one thing after another! his doc wanted him home for a day and gave him some cream. ok, that's fine, because DH was off today.
i thought i'd have help. i thought wrong. DH wouldn't get out of bed. it wasn't until DS was ready for a nap (11:45) and i went in there nearly in tears from the pain that he moved to the couch so i could lay down next to DS.
the pain has gradually increased all day, not cramping anymore but a sharp pain. no bleeding however. i had spoken to the nurse this morning, and i know the primary concern is a lot of blood and i don't have that (thankfully!). but i feel like this isn't right, especially tonight as it has gotten so bad. i am going to call in the morning and beg them to do something.
it's so frustrating that i can't take care of DS, though i want to, and DH acts like nothing ever happened. he was talking to a friend on the phone and i heard *i will have to let you know if i can make it, because my wife can't take care of our kid since her surgery. she can't lift him or anything so it depends on her.* i said, loudly, *you have left me alone with him EVERY DAY since my surgery so stop acting like it's up to me whether you leave the house or not!* i hate being used as an excuse, then our friends and family think i am some mean wife who won't let him leave the house, when that isn't the case at all. at least now he has my surgery as an excuse, but usually he'll still say i won't let him do something and that is not true.
geez i don't know if i'm even making sense. DH wanted to go to get groceries and stuff, so for once i DID make him take DS or stay home. i explained that i am probably in a ton of pain today because i have been overdoing it everyday since my surgery when i'm supposed to rest. he said well i have things to do, you know that. yea, i know that, but nonetheless if that was going to happen perhaps you should have made other arrangements with your schedule or asked someone to watch rowan for a while because i can't do it all!
i'm guess it's normal to make a big deal out of little things right now, i am so tired, frustrated, stressed, and in a lot of pain both emotionally and physically. i even got made at DH earlier because HE had no patience with DS. i said he senses that something is wrong in the house, something wrong with mommy, and that will make him moodier than normal. he can't control it, so stop yelling at him! grrr!
i guess i will go rest some more now. sorry for rambling on to you all.
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: ihottmama
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 8:43pm

Leslie Im soo sorry things are so hard right now.


I had a miscarriage when Jordan was 18 months old and we had just moved to VT and didnt know really anyone.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: ihottmama
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 9:28pm
i think tomorrow might be a little better, at least with DS. he will be able to attend daycare as he seems to be better, and my mom emailed me about taking him overnight. that should give me a break.
i am going to call my dr in the morning and tell him about this intense pain, because it doesn't seem right and i'm going to sit here and worry about it all night, i know it! i have anxiety issues anyway, this is just making me wonder if they didn't get everything in the surgery or if i'm getting an infection...or who knows what might be wrong! that's what my brain keeps saying, something is wrong.
i'm very thankful i can come here and vent about this, it helps to tell someone what is going on. i hate to fight with DH, especially at a time like this, so i am keeping too much bottled up in hopes of keeping the peace around here. i really couldn't handle an argument right now.
thanks for your support!
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
In reply to: ihottmama
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 11:43pm

Hang in there. I would definitely talk to the doctor about the pain. When I had my d&c I experienced hardly any, but the doctor was expecting me to, and had given me some painkillers in case I needed them. I used them the first day or so, but was back at work within 3 days (physically I was okay, but emotionally I was not, but denying it). The doctor also gave me some sleeping tablets which I didn't take either. I had a lovely doc, he was very understanding.

Men handle grief differently to woman, and many would rather hide from the fact that they experienced a loss too, which is possibly why your dh is not acting the way you need him to. The best thing is simply to tell him straight, I need you right now, and tell him exactly what you need him to do. I once spoke to my dh about this, and he says that men often feel completely helpless when they see their wives in pain or upset. They simply want to help, but are unsure of exactly what to do. They would rather have you actually tell them - do this, this and this, and then they feel able to help. I think its a great that your mom take your ds to give you a break, and to give you and your dh a chance to mourn together.

Counselling is important too. I never went, despite my doctor offering a referral for me, and I regret it now, because I just ended up with this major depression. And counselling as a couple is important too.

I did find a valuable resource on the web in the form of the UK's Miscarriage Association recently. They had some very helpful stuff on their site, and offer e-mail counselling.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: ihottmama
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 4:41pm
today has been rough, but getting better. DH had to take me to the ER, because the pain got too intense and my dr was booked full today. seems i have a bit of an infection, but we caught it early so with my antibiotics everything should be fine in a few days.
am glad DS gets to stay over at my mom's. he has a blast with his grandma and grandpa, and i really need a break too. he is sensing our stress and sadness, and he doesn't seem to understand (he is too young yet). i think it'll be good for him to go visit them.
anyway, i am finding it very hard to really mourn. i cried on the day we found out - saturday - in the ER but not since. my eyes watered up when i saw the sono on monday, but i didn't cry. and since then i just can't let it out. i feel the pain, and sometimes i think i will be able to release some...but then i can't. i am not sleeping well at all, spending most of the night tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable, then my brain won't shut off. i doze a bit and start over again. perhaps with time this will get easier.
anyway, i think i will go rest a bit now. it has been a long day so far.
thanks again. i think i will see my counselor again soon.
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
In reply to: ihottmama
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 10:11pm

((((Leslie)))) I am so sorry for all you are dealing with. I know that we here can give you lots of caring and support, but there is a miscarriage support here at ivillage.

Miscarriage Support
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhmiscarriag

So if you have some issues like the pain maybe they will have some input. I have had a miscarriage, and I have been worried about triggering myself with reading your posts. So sorry if I have not been posting to you.

I want you to know that I am here for you. Even if I worry about things like getting triggered.

I hope your pain issues improve, and I hope your husband gets off his fanny and give you some support that you rightfully deserve.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: ihottmama
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 11:08pm
ty, yes i found the miscarriage and the recurrent miscarriage board. there are some very wonderful ladies going through tough times similar to mine. it helps to know there are also people here who have a history of depression and understand how i am feeling, why it has brought me back down. they say you are never really *cured* of depression, you just have good times and bad and if you are lucky, the good outnumber the bad. i didn't really understand that until recently though. i guess i tend to think of medical science these days as being able to *fix* nearly everything. how i wish that were true!
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
In reply to: ihottmama
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 9:29am

It took me a long time to grieve too. The important thing is that when you do feel it, don't hide it like I did. I tended to push it all under and instead my sadness got pushed out as anger and rage. I was so busy coping, I didn't take time to reflect.

Don't let others push you in telling you you need to act this way or that way, or you should do this or that. You need to listen to yourself - you will know what you need and when you need it. My only advice is don't hide from it, and don't hide it from your family.

You don't mention how old your child is. My older was was just about to turn 4 when it happened, and because she knew that we were going to have another baby, had to explain to her what happened. That was one of the hardest things she's ever done, but having her understand what had happened, and allowing her to grieve in her own little way was a good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: ihottmama
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 11:18am
my son is nearly 2, his bday is beginning of march. we had told him we'd have another baby in the house, so he was going to be the *big boy* soon. he seemed to think the prospect of a baby in my tummy was quite amusing, would poke my tummy and laugh. he seems to know that something is wrong and mommy isn't feeling well. he tries to bring me toys, get me to play, and gives me lots of hugs and kisses. i know the mood around here hasn't been the greatest for him, and he's had some moods of his own too. my mom has him all weekend, so he is probably having a blast. they live in the country, have some land to explore, dad has his workshop and bar, and then there are the cats and dogs. he'll come home tomorrow exhausted but at least happy to be back. he really needed to get some time away from us, i think. and i needed some time to heal physically. i found out i have an infection, not bad yet, but that was causing intense pain. so i have some time to get better before he comes home too.
am thinking i will ask my counselor about a grief counselor. it was suggested on the m/c board, because i can't seem to cry or let this out. perhaps that would help.
i am sorry for your loss as well. it seems so unfair, doesn't it?
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
In reply to: ihottmama
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 1:44pm

If you want to correspond, you are welcome to click on my e-mail link in my profile. I know it may at times probably trigger one or both of us, but there are other times when support would be valuable.

I'm living in Abu Dhabi in the UAE, so the time difference is big - we are GMT -4 so it may take a long time to get a reply.