cutting
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cutting
| Sat, 01-22-2005 - 1:37am |
A couple days ago I was feeling very depressed and frusturated. I was feeling very suicidal and couldn't get thoughts of wanting to die out of my head. So I went into my mom's room (I'm 18 by the way) and started telling her what I was feeling. After about ten minutes, she started getting annoyed and just told me, "Look Noelle, it's your own fault that you feel this way, try thinking of others and stop being so self-absorbed." This really threw me over the edge and right after she said that, I went into the bathroom and took out the razor that I use to shave my legs and started slashing my wrists with so much rage and force. I cut so hard that blood was spilling all over the floor, but I didn't care and I just got a towel and held it on my wrists and tried to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, my dad came into the room and told me he had called the police. When they came, they asked for all this information and even asked me if I was on America's Most Wanted List. I was stunned. So after much embarrasing searches and frisk's, I was in the back of the cop car, sitting on the cold hard seat. I was under the 72-hour hold where the hospital had permission to hold me for three days until they felt I was safe to go. I was able to go after a long talk with the hospital's counselor at 3 in the morning. The talk, although done in a very tired state, seemed to help temporarily. Now that it's been two days since, I'm back to those disconnected feelings and sense of hopelessness that won't seem to go away. I've been on a lot of anti-depressants and they always give me bad side effects. I'm currently in homeschool due to a sleep problem that hindered me from attending school regularly and my parents want me to go back this week. I'm so discouraged and worried that I won't be able to go back because of my sleep and I need to credits for graduation. I just want my life to be over and done with since I can't seem to get my life back on track. This is a last attempt to try and save what's left of my worthless existence, so please tell me what I can do.

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Hun, I know all too well how you feel. But just know that you coming here is the right thing to do for you right now. We are all hear to listen to whatever you need to say and help in any way we can. Just know that you are very special to a lot of people and things will get better. The best advice I can offer you right now is to just write all your feelings out. It should help you feel better by getting it all out on paper or on here.
Sorry I couldn't have some more helpful advice for you.
*hugs* Stay safe
my friend went through pretty much the same thing a few years ago, and somehow i said something that got her to stop. I wish to God I knew what i had said that changed her mind. my 13 year old cousin (yes i said 13) is into all sorts of stuff now, including cutting. I got on here to see what i could find to help her. I don't know your past, or what happened to make you feel so bad about yourself. But here is something that I think about when i feel bad/ or feel like doing something to myself. I think about my late father. How would he feel about me doing what I'm doing? ( I believe in god) when i see him again do I want to get lectured for something or praised for chosing the right?
thanks and I hope you find where you belong!
For one thing, people who do not have depression cannot understand where you are coming from. It seems self-absorbed to someone that has not been there because when the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day some people cannot understand what could be so horrible.
You call your existence worthless, but your parents cannot fathom why a young woman with a life of promise could be worthless. I could not figure out why my nephew always felt worthless, but he did. He never went on meds.
YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS!!!
You need to find the right meds. I've met so many people that love life now. There is a lot to love and be excited about, but how can you see it through all the turmil and limits that a chemical imbalance has put on you?
First work on getting better and feeling better. If you don't graduate with your class, there is always the summer to make it up or even next year. I had to graduate late and right now I'm getting my graduate degree. It is never too late.
Work on getting better and OUCH. The cutting. Your poor arms. Don't hurt yourself anymore. Yopur parents just do not understand and are afraid.
It seems a way to guilt yourself into not doing something, but it works.
It may seem unrelated, but I got something put into my grocery bag that wasn't mine. First I imagined my grandmother watching me and then I looked at my daughter standing there. It made me do the right thing.
Imagine a young relative watching you cut and the bewildered look and tears in their eyes as you did it. I am a Christian too. Imagine the tears in the eyes of Jesus.
hi booboo,
i dont know how ure feeling rite now so do post ur thoughts. i think the best thing u cudve done right now is posting here and just letting others know. ur parents havent been in ur situation and no they dont understand but pls dont hate them for it maybe in time they'll sympathise with u? the other thing, u said speaking to the counsellor helped temporarily i feel that if u see a counsellor a few more times and saw if it helps u shud carry on. and there are meds out there that hopefully wont give u the same side effects keep lookin and right now pls pls pls jst concentrate on getting better... its soo hard i know but thats the best gift u can give to urself right now. post here and vent it'll help we're all here to listen :)
take care (((hugs)))
sami
((((((((((((((((((((Sweetie))))))))))))))))))))))
I wanted to welcome you to the board, and let you know that posting here is a very positive thing for you to do.
Welcome to the board! You have found a good place to understand your issues. Almost all of us have been where you are. Mis-understood and feeling alone.
I hope all the out pouring to you has shown you that you are understood and soooooo not alone.
This is a great place but there are two other boards that may be of help.
Self-injury board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhselfinjury
and
Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhsuicidesur
Of course if you ever feel you may hurt yourself please call a hotline. We have the number posted at the top of our page.
I wish I could say that I have not felt like hurting myself, but I have. Please heed all the help other people have given here. I think about my neice and nephew and my parents.
Feel free to post some more. Post to others, sometimes that helps me immensely.
Welcome again!!
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support Board
good luck!!!
~leslie
Honey,
I think what your father did was inappropriate. He should have tried to take you to the emergency room himself. Why he would call the police is beyond my comprehension. You are only a teenager. To be frank, even if you did not suffer from depression, volatile and moody behavior would be normal. I find your parents lack of support horrid. Calling the police would scare and escalate any situation.
I know you are a worthwhile person. YOU ARE so very, very young and have a great deal of time ahead of you. Cutting is usually a way people try and relieve the horrible pain that is inside them. Please find a good therapist to help you in your transition to the wonderful adult you will be. If you are finding living with your parents difficult (I am not suprised that you do) find some sort of job, even a menial part time job and save money so that you can get a place of your own.
I think you are going through something many young adults go through. Keep your chin up and realize there is nothing bad about you. You will heal in time.
Hugs. Selena
I appreciate all of your concerns. It has almost been a week since the cutting and the police, and my cuts are starting to heal. Selena, what you said really encouraged me to start looking for an outlet outside of the home, so that I wouldn't be burdened by my family as much. I do feel that they don't understand me and they always misjudge me when it comes to matters like depression. A lot of people in my family are already self-absorbed, whether it's their job, their appearance, or just totally consumed in everything they do, so it's difficult for them to care for someone who is hurting inside so much as I am. I do have an appointment with the counselor this week, so we'll see how that goes. Now I feel betrayed by my parents for calling the police when they should have sought professional, medical advice. Even after the police were done with the interrogations, they took me to the mental hospital, a move my parents should have made before I had to go through those embarrasing searches in the first place.
Anyways, I'm just going to take one day at a time and hopefully a permanent change will take place to prevent me from cutting myself again. Thanks again for all of your advice and concerns.
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