Feeling Alone...Triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Feeling Alone...Triggers
16
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 3:10am

Hi. First time here. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I have pretty much dealt with depression most of my life. I am currently not seeing a therapist or taking anti-depressants. I have however done both in the past. Remembering the moment when the Prozac kicked in and it felt like that shade was lifted. I guess I can say that that feeling is what I go back to when I feel the way I am feeling right now.

It hit me like a freight train tonight and I have spent the last 3 hours sobbing like a baby. I only say this because I know someone here has felt that feeling. I feel like I am coming out of my skin…it is just pulling me in. It is so hard to explain it. I am hoping that writing this out will help me through it tonight. It seriously feels like my body has finally broken down…I have been able to pull myself out of it many a time this year on my own, but now it feels like I can’t fight it. I guess I realize I have just been stuffing it away, not really dealing with it.

I have been having a very stressful year at work, sometimes working as much as 70 hrs a wk. Too many changes there and everyone is unhappy there. Some of my friends at work have been concerned about me this year, because of everything being thrown at me, and have seen me break a few times. This only makes me put up more of a front, more stoic…all a show. I am the one they come to with problems. How do you reach out to them? When I have tried to…always the same…oh no can’t be…you are one of strongest people I know. You can handle anything. How do you let them know all that's going on inside? One of the hardest things I did was to tell my father about it and his response was that I shouldn’t have to take medicine and that the only answer was the Lord (he was recently "saved"). I have a strong faith and pray and meditate…but sometimes that just doesn’t seem to be enough.I miss my mother, who has passed away.(her loss is what sent me for treatment the first time) She suffered from depression as well. I do know she is with me in spirit, especially during these times.

I know I need to see someone and definitely need to get on meds again. (I just always seem to get on them and feel better and figure I don’t need them anymore) Plus the stigma society has with anti-depressants,as if it is a weakness. Work has yet again changed insurance and you have to call and get a referral. They send you to these revolving door therapist offices. A new doctor every week, starting from scratch. Some real fools..the best was the one that said I wasn’t that skinny, surprised I suffered from bulimia!!! I plummeted. Or they want you to jump through hoops…cry on demand. Difficult for the person who has spent there life hiding it from the world. Any advise on finding a therapist?

Sorry for the novel I just wrote. Thank you for listening. I send hugs to everyone out there hurting…my thoughts are with you.
~ltsdove


 

"In short, all good things in life are wild and free."  ~Thoreau

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 10:41am


I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Personally, I think anyone that was working 70 hours plus a week on a regular basis might be depressed. (Is there anyway you can take a week off and have a rest?) I know there are alot of bad docs. However, keep trying. Please get back on prozac. You are ever so lucky that you know there is a medication that can help.

Good luck and lots of hugs.

S/A

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 11:09am

Hi Dove,

I don't get in here often, but have been feeling the need again myself. I can relate to much of what you have said; friends thinking you are always the strong one, when actually you have just not thrown all of the pieces of yourself out into the public for all to see. I agree, it is personal and not always safe to share what you truly feel. I too get the privledge/responsibility? of hearing everyone else's problems. Sometimes it helps you realize yours aren't too bad and then other times, it is exasperating.

My father too is in denial that anything could possibly be wrong. I am not bulemic, but have an eating disorder, I am sure. When I shared with my parents that I thought one of the reasons that I am overweight (about 50 lbs) is because in my mind..fat people are not sexy, therefore they are not a target. You see, when I was smaller I had to fight off a rape attempt in my own home. Fortunately I was stronger, probably because he came to my house drunk (an acquaintance). When I shared my theory with my parents at a time of vulnerability, my father's remark was "I'm not buying that". My mother didn't say a word to my defense. Of course in my "brain" I know that size doesn't have anything to do with being sexy or not and that rape has nothing to do with sex. But in my "mind"...it does.

I know what stress at work is about. I quit my last job because my supervisor had mental health issues and was harming clients. Her superiors would not do anything to remedy the problem, so I left rather than risk my career. Now I have been unemployed and can't find work. That's another story...and about me, not you.

Reaching out to your friends is not always the best idea, in my opinion. I wonder if it is because we have learned that if we cannot trust our family members with our problems, then we surely can't trust our friends?? Sometimes I also think our friends simply don't know what to say...so they try to tell us how strong we are...thinking it is a compliment and will help. I often think people just simply don't know how to help us. It is good that you are self aware and know what you really need, such as the meds and some therapy. It is good that you are an active participant in your own care. Don't be discouraged because the first therapist may not fit. They are like shoes. Sometimes you have to try on a few pairs until you find one that fits to you and your needs. Don't worry, they know that.

As far as society's stigma with mental health issues....I agree. It's too bad though because it is here and is becoming more demanding in our society. In my profession, it is really scrutenized, which is odd because my profession often works with individuals with mental health issues, just doesn't want their "professionals" to be one. Sad. So, go out there and find you a therapist that fits your needs and don't take any guff off of the stupid ones....because there are a few of them out there....really stupid. If one of them says something that dumb...get up and leave and tell them why. They're no better than you are and could use the critical feedback!! And don't be afraid to take off a "mental health day" and replenish yourself in those 70 hours a week, work weeks. You're the only one that needs to know. And there's nothing wrong with a 3 hour cry once in a while to release all of that stress, as long as it's not every day and trashing your life.

You sound like you know what to do and it sounds like your mother was a good role model, so as Nike says: "Just Do It". Go get your meds and your counselor, you deserve it, you've earned it.

Just a side note* My counselor is on Celexa....lol. And she is a great counselor!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 4:03pm

Hi there. I'm new to this discussion board as well, and I wanted to let you know that I completely understand how you are feeling. I have been depressed for years, and none of the antidepressants I've taken seem to help. I keep wanting to go off of them because of the side effects (I have a hard time losing weight and don't need anything making that worse), but I stay on because it's so hard to wean off.

I've been reading a lot of online boards and books to try and help me, and they do - somewhat - but I still wake up almost every morning crying, mainly because I'm going through a really bad break-up, adding to my already depressed state of mind.

Hang in there, and things will get better for both of us, I'm sure. Also, if you found that prozac helped, I suggest you go back on it. You are indeed lucky to find a drug that works. I haven't found that yet.

Take care,
M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 5:02pm
Thank you very much S/A. I hit the send button last night and felt like I wanted to crawl farther under that rock, but know it has helped in some way. I have to try and work less. I really think I have to think about finding a new job. I don't think things are going to change there. I just don't feel strong enough to make that decision right now. I know I am blessed to have found a medication that helped...i just have to remember that it DID help.
Thanks again.
~ltsdove

 

"In short, all good things in life are wild and free."  ~Thoreau

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 5:43pm

Hi Elapsed. Thank you for your kind words! I am sorry for all that you have gone through:( I think it is difficult dealing with the many layers we have. This may sound strange...I have said that it is like pealing paint...you try and figure out how to fix it...remove it...trying different ways...scrape away...with each layer you find another...different color...all the while wondering if you would have been better off just painting it with a fresh coat. This is what I have done several times, but something inside me says that when I finally get there...that natural surface with all its imperfections, knots and knicks, will be oh so beautiful. (this is a short version of something I wrote to myself through my healing). So I have to just keep at it.

Regarding your eating disorder...it seems that many with eating disorders have suffered from the pain of abuse. Whether is is purging to get rid of the feelings...or eating to fill up that hole, or for protection. I still have problems with the memories surfacing again...which can be so hard. You come to a point where you feel like you have figured out all the reasons why you feel or do the things you do...then...bam...you feel like you are back to square one...with just one memory. It is so sad that there are so many who have dealt with rape. I know far too many people. I am glad that there is a voice inside you, no matter how small, that knows that it is not at all about sexuality...try and give power to that voice! Please remember we are all beautiful...yes, you too!!! I believe all of these experiences open our hearts...make us truly compassionate people...that is true beauty. One thing I learned through therapy (seemed to have forgotten lately) is that I have to acknowledge my pain. To not compare it to others. Too often we discount it because we think it doesn't even compare to what so many others are going through. I will continue to feel for others, but occasionally have to stop and care for myself. Hard to do.

I am sorry I haven't responded to everything in your post, but am in a bit of a fog today.

Thank you very much and take care of yourself.
Blessings.
~ltsdove

 

"In short, all good things in life are wild and free."  ~Thoreau

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 6:05pm

Hi M. Thank you for your post. It really means a lot.

I pretty much cried myself to sleep last night...or should I say this morning. I think I needed it. But it left me with swollen eyes I can barely see through. I am sorry to hear about how you have been feeling. For months I spent every day driving home from work in tears. Occasional panic attack on the way to work.

I hope you are able to find a medicaton that works for you. I started with Prozac and then through all the changing doctors...they started switching my medications. Some I had a lot of problems with. It can be so frustrating. Plus, for me, I had to deal with changing birth control pills that really messed with my hormones and made me severely depressed. I had no idea just how sensitive our hormone balance is. The only problem I had with Prozac was a slight loss of libido. Which I found ways of working through.

I am going to make a call next week and get the ball rolling on this. I have to. Work is somehow going to have to deal with me taking the time to go to visits. Some there know of the high stress level we are all dealing with. I am still dealing with a really bad ulcer.

Blessings to you.
~ltsdove

 

"In short, all good things in life are wild and free."  ~Thoreau

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 9:35am

Hi Dove!


Just wanted to take a minute to welcome you to the board.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2005
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 8:09pm

I am new to this board. but came here tonight because I can not stop crying. Every bad emotional feeling one can have, I am feeling or thinking right now. I am not good enough! My biggest issue for me,...I have a busy life, but NO real friends. I go everywhere alone. I even went to a bar alone last night just longing for someone to talk to. I know that is not a place to finds friends, but I feel so desparate, and wouldnt probably know

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 10:18pm

Lea,

Welcome to the board and thank you for your post. I truly hope you are feeling better soon. I can relate to the way you are feeling. Sometimes I cry so much and wonder if I will be able to go on, but somehow I always do, and I know you will as well. You might want to talk to a therapist and/or read books. There are a lot out there that are very helpful.

Take care,
M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 10:57pm

(((((Hugs))))) to you Lea. First…let me say, you are “good enough.” We are all good enough. I was feeling the same on Friday when I posted. Scary as it was. It helped. Also was a first-timer here. You took a big step by just posting tonight. This board seems to be a safe and caring place. So, you do have friends and support…keep reaching out.

I went ahead and made a call today for help finding a therapist and am calling to set up an appointment tomorrow. My stomach is in knots, but I know it is something I have to do. Which leads me to…when you said Dr…was it a therapist? Do you see one? If not, maybe it is time to. I remember the first time I called and as scared as I was it was the best decision I have ever made. At that time I had below zero self-esteem and confidence. With therapy and time it has grown. Through therapy you can find tools to build it. In the beginning I had to completely fake it, but eventually it took. For me it seemed to be a skill I had to learn.

I know how lonely you are feeling. We come in contact with so many people in our busy lives and still feel this way. One little thing I do now (may sound strange) is just the act of making eye contact, and smile at people I pass. In the store…in traffic…everywhere. Somehow helped me with my shyness. Not everyone acknowledges it, but when they do it feels good. Gives you, even if it is the slightest, a connection. Hey…in the beginning I had to fake that too. You need to talk with someone, and a therapist will listen. That’s why I am going back.

This all coming from someone who just had a breakdown on Friday. I just wanted you to know you are not alone…there are shoulders here you can lean on.

Take Care.
~K

 

"In short, all good things in life are wild and free."  ~Thoreau

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