argument with dh (trig)
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argument with dh (trig)
| Sat, 01-22-2005 - 9:50pm |
well i came very close to finally being able to cry, but it just won't let loose.
dh announced about 30 minutes ago that he was going into town (we live in a small town about 20 minutes away from a city, where our friends are), had an errand to run, then was going to *watch the fight.* he means boxing on tv. he seemed happy, smiling, wanting to get out of the house. i said are you kidding, just to make me upset? (he often tries to get me going, he says it's entertaining) he said no. i said i really wanted him home with me, i am feeling very down tonight. it is too soon for me to get out, physically i am in too much pain even if i wasn't emotionally incapable of it - i'm really not ready to see everyone yet anyway and not ready for their words or questions. i said it just seems like he wants to pretend that nothing ever happened, everything is just fine, and it's not. he said *what do you want me to do? what do you want me to say? i'm not just going to sit around here because you have to stay home.* i said i really don't want to be alone tonight (DS is at my mom's). but yet he didn't care, he said he wasn't just going to stay here and the best way to deal with a depression is to get out and do something. i said i understood that, but physically i just had surgery and yesterday found out about the infection which was causing very severe pain - i am just tonight starting to improve a bit, yet i hurt a lot still. i can't get out. emotionally i am very sad, very down, and at times like this i don't want to be alone. yet he acts like everything is normal, and it's NOT! i said *great, you will stay out late and then think that there is no reason to rush home when likely i'm in bed anyway. when you do come home, you will sit and play a video game most of the night and sleep the day away tomorrow.* he says not, but he ALWAYS says that.
last night, he was up until 3:30 playing his football game. i got up at 3 and said *are you going to sleep at all tonight?* he didn't realize it was that late, so he said, so he finished his game and went to bed. usually, i don't mind him wanting to stay up if it isn't distracting DS from getting to bed and staying there, when it doesn't affect his ability to go to work on the days he has to. he's a grown man.
now i feel like we are on opposite schedules, i get up during the day and he is up at night, when he's home. he plays video games or watches football otherwise. i just feel like he's totally ignoring me, completely insensitive to what i am trying to handle and if i bring it up he just makes me feel like i'm being unreasonable.
he says we have already talked about our loss, and there isn't anything else to say. he doesn't feel that he should have to stay home just to *please* me.
am i being unreasonable? it was just a week ago today we found out what was happening, tuesday my surgery, friday in the ER with the infection, the days between were spent physically in pain...is it wrong to want him with me? i usually don't mind if he wants to go *watch the fight* or hang out with his friends or brothers for a while. often i stay home with DS, and if DS is visiting his grandparents i often go with him. i don't feel that i stop him from doing what he wants to do, so i shouldn't be asking THAT MUCH for him to be with me (and AWAKE when i'm awake).
i'm just frustrated with him. i try to express my feelings and he acts like it's an imposition to help me feel better. this is why i often don't tell him how i'm feeling, it only serves to make me feel worse to know that he doesn't think it's important.
i'm sure i feel like this is a huge deal mainly because i'm already feeling lost and lonely, and i will get over this. i just need to vent.
~leslie
dh announced about 30 minutes ago that he was going into town (we live in a small town about 20 minutes away from a city, where our friends are), had an errand to run, then was going to *watch the fight.* he means boxing on tv. he seemed happy, smiling, wanting to get out of the house. i said are you kidding, just to make me upset? (he often tries to get me going, he says it's entertaining) he said no. i said i really wanted him home with me, i am feeling very down tonight. it is too soon for me to get out, physically i am in too much pain even if i wasn't emotionally incapable of it - i'm really not ready to see everyone yet anyway and not ready for their words or questions. i said it just seems like he wants to pretend that nothing ever happened, everything is just fine, and it's not. he said *what do you want me to do? what do you want me to say? i'm not just going to sit around here because you have to stay home.* i said i really don't want to be alone tonight (DS is at my mom's). but yet he didn't care, he said he wasn't just going to stay here and the best way to deal with a depression is to get out and do something. i said i understood that, but physically i just had surgery and yesterday found out about the infection which was causing very severe pain - i am just tonight starting to improve a bit, yet i hurt a lot still. i can't get out. emotionally i am very sad, very down, and at times like this i don't want to be alone. yet he acts like everything is normal, and it's NOT! i said *great, you will stay out late and then think that there is no reason to rush home when likely i'm in bed anyway. when you do come home, you will sit and play a video game most of the night and sleep the day away tomorrow.* he says not, but he ALWAYS says that.
last night, he was up until 3:30 playing his football game. i got up at 3 and said *are you going to sleep at all tonight?* he didn't realize it was that late, so he said, so he finished his game and went to bed. usually, i don't mind him wanting to stay up if it isn't distracting DS from getting to bed and staying there, when it doesn't affect his ability to go to work on the days he has to. he's a grown man.
now i feel like we are on opposite schedules, i get up during the day and he is up at night, when he's home. he plays video games or watches football otherwise. i just feel like he's totally ignoring me, completely insensitive to what i am trying to handle and if i bring it up he just makes me feel like i'm being unreasonable.
he says we have already talked about our loss, and there isn't anything else to say. he doesn't feel that he should have to stay home just to *please* me.
am i being unreasonable? it was just a week ago today we found out what was happening, tuesday my surgery, friday in the ER with the infection, the days between were spent physically in pain...is it wrong to want him with me? i usually don't mind if he wants to go *watch the fight* or hang out with his friends or brothers for a while. often i stay home with DS, and if DS is visiting his grandparents i often go with him. i don't feel that i stop him from doing what he wants to do, so i shouldn't be asking THAT MUCH for him to be with me (and AWAKE when i'm awake).
i'm just frustrated with him. i try to express my feelings and he acts like it's an imposition to help me feel better. this is why i often don't tell him how i'm feeling, it only serves to make me feel worse to know that he doesn't think it's important.
i'm sure i feel like this is a huge deal mainly because i'm already feeling lost and lonely, and i will get over this. i just need to vent.
~leslie

hey,
well i think he shud b much more sensitive right now uve just had surgery for God's sake! men! theyre in a world of their own. i dont think u shud bother him for a while, give him the silent treatment if u have to. treat him like a bratty child and see what happens? i knw when i was with my man and he'd do stuff like that and not be sensitive to my needs, id ignore him and he'd soon get it. i mean u tried talkin to him now jst leave him and dnt go to ur friends stay home, watch some dvds and chill..give it a few days and he mite jst realise. or i think he gets a real buzz out of winding u up so whenever he tries look at him up and down and turn away! lol..trust me it works at times.
good luck and lemme knw how it went.
sami
xx
Hi Leslie
Sorry about the infection but at least you know now what was causing the pain and hopefully they can do something about it.
Unfortunately Men communicate so differently, it can be hard at times to get them to understand what you are feeling.
*hugs
he didn't answer, so i gave up. well he called right back, and said he was on his way (which means he'll be an hour give or take cause he is never actually ON HIS WAY). we started to talk a bit on the phone but i felt that i wasn't getting through to him and said i would talk to him tomorrow.
after he did get home, we talked a little but i really felt that the things he was telling me weren't relative to the problem and that waiting to discuss it might be best, after some sleep for both of us. but finally i DID cry. and it was the dumbest thing that set it off.
his little sister HATES me. i really don't know why, except that now when i look back over 7 1/2 yrs, i don't think she ever got over it even for a while. she has a nearly 5 month old, and another SIL is pg right now. she has been saying a lot of things about me which i thought i'd taken care of after a *talk* on new years, but apparently she hasn't stopped. i haven't seen anyone since then and really don't care to right now. she has been making up things i have supposedly said or done (while no one has a heard a word from me in truth) and spreading them amongst the family to get them to think badly of me as well.
one thing was some email (and this is ridiculous!) that i supposedly sent to my MIL, having to do with it being unfair that her daughter and my SIL's baby seem so much more important than DS because they are MIXED babies! OMG! i can't believe she said that! and it's even more ridiculous in that i have 2 nieces and 1 nephew by my sister, whom i love more than life itself, and they are mixed. my bil is black and SO WHAT OF IT??? i have never been the least been discriminative! that she is going around trying to get people to think so horribly honestly upset me last night. it isn't HER, it is that while i am going through a loss of a child, she is being so petty as that, and others may be believing it! that is what hurts, the perspective here. my baby is gone, she and the others should be thankful this isn't them, and instead it's about gossip, lies, and racial discrimination? WTF?
i wasn't crying over SIL saying that itself, because it doesn't particularly surprise me that she is. i was thinking about how unfair the world is, that a person like her has a baby and one like me loses mine.
DH claims my BIL's and SIL's don't believe her, but i have my doubts as she is around them nearly daily while i never see them. all they know is that she and i don't get along and that DH and i have issues with how she treats our son. i think they think it's me not wanting her to parent DS that makes us not get along, when that is only a very small part of the truth.
so as you can see, i am in no hurry to get out and see everybody again, especially if they are thinking i'm some horrible racist person that i am not.
i did get my point across to DH somewhat, although i'm not sure he really understands even now. while we were talking, his estimate of when to TTC again when from 1 yr, 1-2 yrs, 1-3 yrs, 3-4 yrs, then 3-5 yrs, and finally where DS would be 7 YEARS OLD before we ttc! that is when i said i don't want to talk anymore, i told you that i felt this was my last chance to have another baby and it's gone. you don't get it, but the longer we wait, the more you will NOT want another child. i know you too well.
~leslie
Leslie, I'm not sure what I'd do or say in your situation either...you've experienced such a hard loss, and your DH does seem to be dealing with it in a very different way than you are, so that makes it even harder. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping that it will get easier with time.
Hugs,
Rose
i know i have been quiet all week and not talked about my feelings much, but i haven't known what to say. i have been absorbed in it nonstop. i understand better now, it isn't that he doesn't care (though it feels like it at times!). he has never been the warmest, most loving kind of guy. i know he loves me dearly, and that our son is the most important part of his life and it doesn't take him saying it all the time to know. i guess this week has made me more insecure in his love, and more lonely that he doesn't know what i'm going through.
i think it will get better and he is handling my mood swings pretty well, considering.
i feel better about things between he and i today than last night, or the days previous.
thanks for listening to me!