Motherhood
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| Sun, 01-23-2005 - 1:35am |
Hi Ladies,
I am sure most of you have heard of the 66 year old Romanian lady that just gave birth. (With the help of a donor egg but she carried the child.) It got me thinking about whether my desire for a child is just too selfish.
I have been a survivor of depression for many years. (god forbid that I admit it has been decades.) I have it pretty under control. (although my anxiety at times forces me to resort to xanax to calm down...this happens maybe once or twice a month.) I am happily married to a very terrific, loving husband. I have a very supportive family. I am very aware of the burden of children, being an aunt several times over and I have worked with neglected and abuse children as an attorney for over a decade.
However, I am thirty nine. Ugh. I do have some health issues that make having a natural child difficult. My obesity does affect my energy level. My husband and I are exploring foreign adoption. I wonder this strong desire for a child is selfish because of my age and depression. I once had a very, very demanding practice. I have tone down my practice for the last two years in anticipation of becoming a mom.
Unfortunately, I have a therapist convinced I am basically very well adjusted :) (she thinks I would make a wonderful mother.) However, my father has expressed concern that my anxiety will increase dramatically with a child. (as has my sister.) I admit to being fairly angry at their lack of faith in me. I have always been a rather strong person. I managed to go to law school, pass the bar and build a practice even though I suffered from bouts of depression. (a kid is very stressful but try doing a jury trial where someone might spend years in jail if you screw up.) I also managed to maintain life long friends. (My oldest friend has been around since 1979.) I love kids. I do not believe a child will have any duty to be my emotional life. I am well aware I am taking on a burden. However, am I just not fit?
What do you think?
Selena

I think if you want a child as much as you do that you will be a wonderful mother Selena.
*hugs
Dear Selena,
I've often wondered whether I am a fit mother, but I already have two kids, so they're stuck with me, lol! First of all, let me say that there's a big difference btw. 66 and 39. I am 38 and I have to say that I don't have the energy that I did ten years ago, but I do have quite a few friends who are just starting their families now. Yes, in some ways it is probably harder than it would have been if they/I were younger, but you also have life experience that you didn't have when you were 22. It sounds like you are financially stable, too, which makes it less stressful. Making the move to work less is a great idea, and I think it shows that you are aware of what you will need to do as a mother.
Your dad and sister are probably concerned for you and your health (mental and physical). Having children is certainly a stress in both ways, but they can bring great joy as well. I don't think there's any really "good" reason to have children: there's overpopulation on the earth, more people create more waste and hurt the planet, it's a financial burden. I think that having children is *always* a selfish act (JMHO)...but I did it anyway! If you were 49 and in very poor health, I would agree that it was too selfish to do it. I think that what that Romanian woman did is unethical--she will not be there to see her child grow up, at least not in a capacity that a child needs, unless she is very lucky. She will be 86 when her child is 20! My mother is younger than her, and she's a grandmother! If you are concerned about your energy level, maybe you could really commit to finding a way to get in better physical shape--children are very tiring. (I don't mean to sound flippant; I'm sure you've tried to lose weight, but it could be an issue.)
All in all, it is your decision. I think you sound like you would make a wonderful parent to a needy child. Yes, it will be tough, but it will be wonderful and rewarding, too. I wish you the very best of luck in fulfilling your dream.
Love, Nicola
Selena,
I agree with the other responses you've gotten...I can see why your family might be concerned about the stress of raising a child, but it sounds like you have a good handle on your life and what you want out of it. If your therapist thinks you're well-adjusted, that may be a better indicator than what your family thinks of you.
Have you talked with your doctor about your desire to have a child and any health issues that might come up? I don't have personal experience raising a child, but I can see where obesity might make chasing a little one around the house a bit more difficult...that doesn't mean that you wouldn't be a fit mother by any means, though.
And as the other women here have said, 39 is not very old...you can expect to have many great years left to spend with a child if that's what you decide to do. I hope that things do work out for you...keep us updated,
Rose