(this one's a downer)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
(this one's a downer)
2
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 1:00pm
i haven't been paying as much attention to my depression as i should. now i realize it's been slowly spiralling downward for a while. i have zero energy, i've gained about 15 pounds in the last few weeks because all i do is sit and eat, i've been calling in to work again because i can't get up and out in the mornning, etc etc etc. whats worse is that i have no insurance right now. i quit my stable job to pursue teaching a few months ago (when i was feeling good) and now i make no money, have no insurance and my medicine is running out. i have yet to apply for insurance (don't even know if i'll be able to afford to pay for it).
i'm not sad so much as i'm just not moving. i have muscle and body aches because i will sit on my ass all day and watch tv because it allows me not to think. i've thought about trying energy pills or diet pills to pep myself up but 1)i can't really afford them and 2)i'm prone to anxiety and i don't want to take something that is going to make me nervous.
maybe i just need a pep talk or a good swift kick in the arse. i know in my brain what i need to do, what will make me feel better, but my body won't let me get that far.
just typing this has helped. i don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. several of my friends have dealt with or are depressed, but i don't want to talk to them about it. my few friends that are "up" people are only so patient. i don't want to keep blathering on to them about the same b.s. over and over and over. i feel like a loser because i can't just get off my ass and make myself do what i need to do. i feel like i'm failing in my fight against depression right now. this has been a battle over half my life and it will probably always be here with me, its not new to me, in fact its getting quite old. i'm so tired of it!! i guess i get tired of dealing with it (it takes A LOAD of energy) so i just stop dealing with it and then i turn into a donut eating, non-showering, immobile tv staring idiot.
i wish this feeling of being pressed down would go away. i mean, its really like the thumb of a giant is on my chest, pushing me down so hard that i cant move. it takes an amazing amount of gusto just to walk my dog around the block.
i've been here before and i'm sure i'll get past this bout this time, but i don't know how to start or how to get myself together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 1:15pm


You are exhibiting all of the classical signs of major depression!!! (I have been there and done that more than once in my life.) This is not your fault. You can't get "motivated" to get out of depression. Please see your doctor and get medication or if already on medication see if you need an adjustment.

The best therapist I ever had gave me the best advise: When dealing with a huge, difficult, seemingly impossible task, break it up into little bits. Maybe you can ask yourself to do three small things a day to help you get out of depression. I also suggest going to the library and reading books by David Burns and Albert Ellis. You need some help with your negative thinking.

Good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 3:51pm
not sure if this will be of much help but i wanted to reply.
your current situation sounds a lot like what i go through now and then. right now, recovering from my surgery last week, i am somewhat immobile because of that and somewhat because i'm so sad. i am feeling better physically today than i did just 2 days ago, but what have i done today? i got DS dressed for daycare. DH took him, not me. i found something to eat earlier, i can always manage that much - food. i have read several chapters of a book, and watched a bit of tv. i have looked at posts on this and some other boards. i changed my shirt, but still in my pajama pants and slippers, and i tied my hair back.
not much of an accomplishment for it being nearly 3 PM and a beautiful day outside. i SHOULD put some clothes on and make myself go for a walk, but it'd have to be my maternity pants because my swelling hasn't gone down and i still look kinda pregnant, even though the baby is gone and i'm not pg anymore. just thinking of putting those on makes me feel my loss again. so i don't get dressed, i don't go outside and walk a bit, i don't do anything useful. the only thing i have accomplished lately is some laundry, and some of it is still sitting in the dryer unfolded. ;(
i wish there was a way to kick myself in the butt to, to get started behaving like a normal, functioning adult.
i did ask the nurse to start me on some meds that may help get my hormones under control and allow me to sleep a bit, but i do not want to be on paxil again. are your meds just not working anymore? or did something happen to set this depression off?
i wish i could be more useful. just know you are not alone out there. good luck.