Message for Tracy...
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| Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:30pm |
Hi Tracy, I realized I never replied to your post to me about my ER visit. I've been mulling over what you said and found it very helpful...I do think there's a good chance my attempt was a cry for help since I don't feel like my current pdoc/therapist is providing what I need.
So I took your suggestion and left a message for the school counselor (although I'm not sure she'll want to meet with me because we've met before and she said she didn't think she was the one who could help me). But I'm at least going to try to ask her about any other resources available.
And I think you were also right on about my being lonely and frightened and overwhelmed...you put those feelings into words better than I've been able to! I took a big risk a few days ago and told my one long-time friend here about my ER visit...I don't know why, as that was probably a really bad idea (he's suffered from depression, but not to that extent)...he hasn't called me since then, and I feel like I may have scared off my one semi-close friend.
And the depression and anxiety are making everything so hard...as you mentioned, the social aspect, as well as the studying. It's gotten to the point that I basically avoid people I know and used to talk to...I literally feel almost mute when I'm around them.
There is one thing that I've considered doing, but probably won't...I got an email recently about a panel that's going to be held at the school, made up of med students who've struggled with depression, to share their experiences with the rest of the class. I haven't even told a single person in my class about any of this, so I seriously doubt I would do that (and if I did, I would leave out the suicidal parts)...but I just wish I could explain to my friends that it's not about them...except there is just such a stigma.
As it is, though, I feel like things are continuing to go downhill...I am going to have to try to make a change somehow...sorry to ramble on about myself...really I just wanted to say thanks very much for your post to me...it gave me a lot of good things to think about.
Hope you are doing OK,
Rose

(((((((((((((((((((((Rose)))))))))))))))))))))))
I am glad my post to you was of help, and that I could articulate what you were thinking and so help you out there.
Thanks again...I would be able to attend the panel even if I didn't participate (although right now I kind of worry it would make my mood even worse). But I was thinking about participating on the panel...I'm not quite sure yet, though...it would definitely be a big step for me.
Public speaking in and of itself is a horror for me, much less about an issue like this! But I agree with you that we as med students need to work on getting rid of the stigma...kind of ironic, though, since it seems like it's OK if a patient has depression, but still very stigmatized if a student has it!
Thanks also for the advice on the friend and the counselor...I haven't yet heard back from either, so I'm feeling pretty isolated still, like everyone here has given up on me. The counselor actually was the one who recommended my current pdoc to me, so I'm not sure how she'd react if I told her it wasn't helping...that is, if I ever hear back from her.
I'm already going to have to miss my pdoc appointment this week because of an unavoidable commitment (a one-on-one shadowing with a doctor that's required). And I'm having a bad night again...mood-wise, and I think my stomach may be developing another semi-emergency, which I just don't have the energy to deal with. I'm so glad for you and the others on this board because I feel like I am completely alone here otherwise.
Thanks,
Rose