Trying to hang on

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Trying to hang on
4
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:48am

I've had depression/anxiety for some time now and had my meds adjusted, had hospital stays and a suicide attempt. I have never learned how to cope and accept my depression. Everytime I start to feel my depression coming on I automatically just freak and end up in the hospital and I'm tired of that cycle. Can I have your ideas on how you hang on and beat your depression? I would REALLY appreciate it. I have to learn to cope with it some day. I feel that time is now.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:24am

I am not a psychologist, but I have read a lot about depression and experienced it myself. I have conquered years of misery, and am now a healthy, fulfilled person. Those are my credentials.

Depression is really anger, not sadness. You are probably furious, but because you are not ready to, you are unable to feel the anger you have inside. I don't know you, but I would venture a geuss (very confidently, I might add) that you did not have a happy childhood because someone did not properly respect/love/cherish you. Now you are an adult who has internalized the mean and unhealthy attitudes about yourself that someone else made you believe about yourself.

You have to understand here that I believe parents are the first source of anguish for people, since they are the first models of how to live and think that a child learns from. Who else has such an effect on you?

I also ardently believe that babies love themselves. They are born doing so, and when they grow up with healthy role models who love them, they continue to love themselves. But when they are demeaned in some way over the years, many, many times during the most impressionable time of their lives, they learn that it is unnatural to love themselves. There begins the problem.

Abuse is not only physical or sexual. It can also be verbal. Lots of people don't consider that, but it is true. Your self-esteem can be ripped to shreds through the years by very subtle, but frequent remarks. One reason so many people take so long to remember and admit that they were treated badly is because they discount VERBAL abuse. There are plenty of people who were never unjustly touched who are miserable because of the thousands of nasty things important people said to them over the years. Verbal abuse doesn't get the press that the others types do because it is harder- much harder for the outside world to detect in many instances. Often the abuser is a sweetheart to the victim in public, so noone knows. If you told my mother's friends that she had abused me verbally my whole life, they would call you a liar. But she did. It took me until I was 39 to figure out what a #F$#@ my mother is, but now I know, and I am never going to go back to believing that she is a wonderful person. I am now strong enough to realize that my mother, the most important person of my life, was a witch. It took me years to get to this point.

You have to be ready to face the truth of why you're upset. When you are strong enough, you will be able to face the REAL source of your anger. Your suicide attempt shows that you think YOU are the bad person-you're directing your anger at yourself. Don't do that. Your anger doesn't belong there. Try to remember about your past. Suicide attempts are not the mark of a healthy person, but at least they are the mark of a person who realizes, in some skewed way, that there is a problem. You don't want to kill yourself. You want to kill your pain. The way to do that is to take a hard, honest look at your past to see when and how the self-loving baby you once were turned into a self-punishing adult. The answer to that question may just save your life both from suicide and the trap of prolonged misery.

Here is an excellent book: IF YOU HAD CONTROLLING PARENTS

GOOD LUCK, SASHAAUS

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:06am

Julie,

I cheated and read your profile, you are such an accomplished woman! This is my first day on-site, and I am responding to everything! It is so comforting to have a place to speak amongst others who understand. I read one response that said we have 'functioning depresstion', this is so true. Whenever I feel depression coming on, most of the time, I am in the midst of it, I get in the car and drive. I just get on the highway and go. I have found a lot of great shopping venues this way! But just driving alone, or with your puppy, is so relaxing. If you see an interesting spot, stop in. Have lunch somewhere where no one knows you and you can pretend to be a different person for the day. It is fun, I don't go overboard, I just pretend I am 'normal'. As I am working through my issues, I don't have to do this as much. The suicide attempt is scary, I am glad you did not succeed. Suicide hurts only those left behind, and causes more of the pain that you were trying to eliminate in the first place. You have to dig deep and find the reason behind your suffering. I had to go into a place I had long forgotten and buried. It hurt, but it was pain I could understand and confront, not the long, drawn-out agonizing pain that I had been suffering all of these years. You do not have to accept your depression as a state of living unless you choose to do so. Julie, this is your pain, your body, your mind. You do have control over this, if nothing else. I so hope this helps you on your journey to healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 9:04pm
I have been taking medications since 1992. I was on elavil for 10 years and had to tweak my meds every now and then. It was a good med for me. It seemed to sedate me and keep me feeling pretty calm. then because I was having some twitching around the eyes the Dr. put me on Paxil. It took months to work and I also had to take Effexor with it. I am now on 40 mg Paxil and 37.5 Effexor. I think the Elavil worked much better and I don't think it wears out like these new drugs. I would ask to try that if I were you. I am thinking about returning to it because I am twitching around the eyes and mouth now. Also going to a therapist who believes in God and helps you spiritually helps. I say a lot of prayers and take a lot of deep breaths as the Paxil and Effexor seem to be not working out so well now. I am taking Adavan 2x a day to help get through. I am hoping it is just a spring thing as they say anxiety and depression get worse in the spring and Fall. God Bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 4:48pm

(((Sashaaus)))

I am suffering from depression and I have had a couple of suicide attempts. I am in the process of getting counseling. I never looked at it that way before. You have shed some light on alot of things for me. Thanks!

(((Jaded_jewel)))

I hope your situation gets better. Try to stay strong.

Much LOVE and HUGS!

~Robin~