spouse in chronic pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
spouse in chronic pain
5
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 3:08pm
Four years ago my husband injured his back at work and has lived in constant pain since. We've been through several doctors who say there is nothing they can do. He lives on pain meds constantly. He's worked off and and on since the injury and has now been off work now since October of 2004.
I work fulltime as a librarian. In the past four years along with working I've had to take on all the home chores and yard chores. I've taken over all the bills and such since I don't feel he's able to make these decissions being on the meds he's taking. In other words I'm doing it all.
My problem: I feel alone and overwhelmed and depressed and can't find a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. At times I find myself getting angry with him and I know he feels this and I know I shouldn't because the situation isn't his fault. I just need some help getting out of these feelings. I've asked doctors for names of support groups and have found no help. A friend suggested writing here to see if possibly some other gal has been in my situation and could give me some advise. I need to do something before I totally loose my mind or worse my marriage. Please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 12:30am

chlsy45,

Hang on...there is help out there. I am assuming that you are in the U.S. Since your husband's disability is permanent, can I assume that he is already on "Disability"? If not, he needs to go to the local Social Security office and apply. It may take a while and he may get turned down the first time....most applicants do. But appeal, appeal.

Second. Can I assume that he is on Medicaid? or Medicare?

Thirdly. There are non-profit organizations called "Independent Living Centers". You can keyword it in online and search your state and area. If he is on Medicaid, he will probably qualify for a program called PAS or Personal Assistant Services. The program is routed through Independent Living Centers and Vocational Rehabilitation. The program is paid for by an individuals Medicaid. A personal assistant will work for him and him alone. They will not pay your bills or do yardwork, taking care of pets or anything like that. They will however do his laundry, cooking and cleaning of his living areas and help him with personal care. He does have to qualify for the program and a PAS caseworker can give you more details. One note of caution....the program will not pay for a spouse to do this work. It considers the care from a spouse already in place. So make sure that the caseworker is aware that for you to stay home and take care of him creates a "hardship" and that you are not able to not work. The benefit of the PAS program is that your husband can hire who he wants to hire (other than you).

Fourth. If you do not have an ILC/Independent Living Center in your area (which is unlikely...they usually serve several counties), or if he cannot qualify for Medicaid, then contact the Division of Aging in your area. They also help with individuals with disabilities. Once again, I do not know how severe your husband's condition is, but these should be places to give you referrals as well.

To apply for Medicaid you need to contact Div. of Family Services. They will walk you through that application. Also the ILC might be able to give you some support group referrals, for both of you.

I know what it is like to live in chronic pain. I have also worked for an ILC but am now on the board for the organization. And my husband had shoulder surgery last summer and we just found out that he is not recovering properly and now has to have a second surgery. That means I will be doing all of the chores here again. Fortunately, we don't have any more calf's to feed and I sold the last of the chickens....LOL. Oh, and I don't have to mow the couple of acres this time, because it will be in February....just haul wood for the stove....LOL. Oh well....Pace yourself, delegate what you can and don't expect perfection anymore....Blessings and I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2004
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 12:40pm

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. Check out local Catholic Charities, Lutheran Social Services, Jewish Family Services. It doesn't matter what religious affilitation you have. They may be able to help you with managing what it takes to get help in place for you and your husband. Most of these places are free or a nominal fee. I work for one of these places and we provide case management and casework for people who are in tough spots and are looking for help. Good luck.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 4:33pm
Thanks for answering my posting. I really do appreciate the time you took to do so.
No my husband isn't on Medicare or disability. This was a work related accident so he does get a small amount of help from Labor and Industries. But, as far as any real help there is just me and as I stated I work full time so he spends his time sitting and watching tv. It makes for a long day for him. The doctors have tried more medical procedures than I can name and we just found out recently that we're being sent to another hospital for more tests. I've stopped getting my hopes up every time a new doctor is introduced. They run the same tests, find the same "no answer", collect their fees and send us on our way. I just feel like we're on the medical roller coaster that we can't get out of. At times I feel like the doctors share the patients that can't be helped just so they can collect fees. I know this isn't always true, but I have to say it sure feels like it.
I could go on and on but that's not going to help. I guess I just needed to ask for some help on how I can get out of the doom and gloom feelings. I know they are a waste of time but it's hard when you live in it all the time. I've come to find my work is the only place where people smile. Thank goodness I can work.
Again thank you so much for taking the time to answer me. You gave some very sound advice that I've printed and put in my file in case we come to that point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 11:09am

Welcome to our board, I used to deal with that aspect when I was married not from pain but due to the ex's seizure disorder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 11:22am
i'm sorry i missed this post before. my name is leslie, i'm kind of new here.
let me tell you a bit about what happened to our family. my oldest brother (10 yrs my senior) was in an accident in june 02, a 4 wheeler accident. he broke his back in 3 places, one of the vertabrae smashed to dust, the other two broken up badly. he had to have a bar placed in his back to hold him up, but the nerve damage was *incomplete.* meaning, he has some feeling and some spasms, mostly bad pain, but can NEVER walk again anyway. i say never as in, medical science today cannot foresee him walking again, but one can hope that will change.
he had just moved home to my parents place to help dad, who was undergoing many heart problems and procedures at the time. they had remodeled this guest house and then this accident happened, he had no insurance and my parents nearly lost their farm over it (their 4 wheeler, their homeowners insurance). they did get kicked off their policy and had to go with the bank on a very expensive policy, but without insurance, you can't keep a house that has a mortgage...well you know how it goes! one thing after another, basically.
i found out i was pg right about this time, but that was a joy for the family, not a sorrow. i helped dad the best i could, building ramps and decks, remodeling the guest house to have a handicap accessible bathroom, etc. my husband helped, so did my other brother and my uncle and some friends. dad held out until october, when his heart got so bad he had a double bypass.
my poor mom, taking care of my brother AND my dad, working full-time at a job over 2 hrs away from home that required frequent traveling around the country...
she didn't have time for counseling, unfortunately, but she did get on zoloft and get her blood pressure under control also. that helped a TON. i picked up what i could, with caring for dad and my brother as much as possible. finally DB was able to be put on disability, it took a really long time to collect benefits because the nerve damage was considered *incomplete* even though he would never walk again. can you believe it? if one more dr had put down, incomplete, he wouldn't have been accepted. they had to have special government dr's approve him, as if he was trying to *fake* not being able to walk?
they really put you through a lot and it's very hard, but perhaps in your husbands case it would be worth it to try and get disability benefits. you may have to apply 2 or 3 times, but i would do it if i were you. maybe you could work slightly less and it might allow more time for your other responsibilities at home.
i am SO SO SO Sorry you are going through this! i hurt my back in april 04 and spent 2 months or so in bed almost nonstop. could do very little. my son was just about 14 months old at the time, and my grandma had to help me care for him day to day while DH worked. i know it was very difficult for him to handle so much, just the little things at home can add a LOT of work to your day. he tried not to get upset, but i knew he was very tired and frustrated and it hurt me to know it.
hang in there!
~leslie