stuck in this deep dark pit

Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
stuck in this deep dark pit
2
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 9:30pm
For the past several months I have been really struggling with letting dh be close to me. Last night, I was thinking that maybe it's because I don't like myself so I don't want anyone close to me. My T keeps telling me how unfair I am being to dh and that him feeling rejected is more than likely going to make him frustrated and he'll give up on me. Also she tells me how much I am hurting his manliness because his needs aren't being taken care of. I love my dh, I just don't want to be too close to him. I don't want to sit on the couch with him, I don't want to be intimate with him, I just don't want him close. I give in about once a month on the intimate part, once the guilt over takes me and I feel that I need to take care of him. I sit with him once a week to watch tv shows. We sleep in the same bed, but I sleep facing the other direction. Some of it has to do with my issues of intimacy but it's gotten to the point that it's more than that. I don't want to hurt him but I don't like being uncomfortable either. I don't really know what I want from him, maybe just for him to provide for me and the kids. I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just tell him that if he wants out, I can understand. Unfortunately, if he did leave, then I would need to take care of myself and the girls (in which I don't think I could) and part of me just wants to totally give up on life, but I am too selfish to leave my kids. I really don't see my life getting better at all. A few years ago, I thought I was happy and I thought I was in a better place. I found my dh, we got married and we had 2 kids. Now I am seeing that I am NO better than I was before hand. I guess I fooled myself into thinking I could do it, that was my purpose in life (to get married and have kids). Still is my only purpose for living (my kids). How can I keep surviving in this deep dark pit???????? I KNOW it isn't fair to dh, or the girls! I KNOW that I am hurting everyone around me. How I can I be so selfish? How do I find the way to go? And accept it and not care about what anyone else thinks?
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2004
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 12:57pm

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I think that many of us think that marriage and kids will make everything better. It's not always that way. However, because these two things didn't fix everything it doesn't mean that you should give up. There are reasons that you don't want your dh close to you. I find it a little disturbing that your T says that you're hurting your dh's manliness and that you're being unfair and that he could give up on you. Sounds like you need a therapist who will be understanding and caring without trying to predict the future. I'm wondering if both you and your dh going to a neutral therapist would work. You need to tell your dh how you're feeling and I'm sure he can tell something is up so he might need to talk too. Good luck.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 2:29pm

Hi Sandra


I think what happened is you fell in to the "IF only" trap..

*hugs