A lot happened today...update...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
A lot happened today...update...
4
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:42pm

Hi everyone, thanks for the support recently...just thought I'd give a quick update since a lot has happened today. I met with the school counselor, and she gave me some starting points...I'm going to start seeing her for cognitive-behavioral therapy instead of my current pdoc (who is more focused on talking about the past). She also suggested I go back to my old pdoc for meds since my current pdoc hasn't made any changes to my meds even though I've been feeling so awful.

And I realized I needed to apologize for not following through with a commitment I'd made to a student group...and in my apology, I went ahead and said that I was having "personal problems." The girl I'd emailed called me back and was very nice and understanding...she is an semi-close acquaintance of mine, and I felt like she maybe wanted to know what was going on with me...but I just left it at "personal problems" without elaborating. I hope that didn't make her think of me as less of a friend.

My phone has been ringing a bit today...I think that acquaintance may have mentioned to another friend of mine that I was having problems...since I got a call from him seeing if I wanted to hang out a bit later. And then my one long-time friend (the one I'd told about the ER visit) did give me a call, and I was glad that my depression hadn't completely scared him away. Wow, usually I don't use up all these cell phone minutes in a whole month!

I've still been feeling generally really bad, but I guess the lesson I may have learned is that reaching out a bit might be better than just withdrawing totally. I'm still not sure if I want to mention my depression to any of my friends (since I don't know them all that well), and I hate that they may be concerned that there is something seriously *wrong* with me like a parent dying...but I guess it's still for the best.

Although my visit with the counselor did go OK, she emphasized how earlier on, I hadn't seemed to *want* to change at all...and that she could only help me if I do want to. I guess I've "hit bottom" in a way, though, and I know I have to do something. I did ask her if she thought I should be in med school, and although she did say she wasn't sure, she seemed to be leaning a lot towards "no"...saying that some people can't manage all that's expected of them here. And I kind of agree, so that is depressing.

And school is still very worrisome...can't stay awake in class sometimes, and when I am awake, I have this horrible frustration and depression overcoming me, like I just can't stand to sit there anymore. I would try to exercise more, but right now my stomach is behaving very badly...to the point that I am going to have to go to the doctor really soon tomorrow morning, and hopefully not the hospital. My half-joke is that I'm so depressed that even my bodily functions don't care anymore! Oh well.

Thanks so much for listening and caring, you all...I guess I should try to look over a few things for school, although focusing is so difficult,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 4:12am

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling more positive. Sometimes "rock bottom" is where we need to be before going up.

I've also recently confided in some friends of my problem. I was specific with 3 of them, and I got 3 different reactions. One very supportive, very encouraging, one tentative but encouraging (this person has had panic attacks herself), and one telling me that "meds wont solve my problems alone" but yet still offering support.

Telling people is hard, but sometimes, if they are the right people, it can be exactly what we need. Maybe we don't need to go into detail every time. Having them know we are "not alright" is possibly a relief to them too - maybe they have seen the signs and haven't been sure what to say. Now they know, and will probably be better able to respond to you.

The ones that brush you off are probably not the friends you need right now anyway. The ones who do offer support - even if its just a cup of coffee once a month, or an occasional hug - are far more valuable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 4:23am

Rose: glad to read how you are doing, and I hope the CBT works for you. I think my therapist does a mix-match of several kinds as we flip from childhood to how to deal with current stress.

And trust God for the long term answer on the med school question.

take care! hugs, Josie.

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 12:20pm

(((Rose))) I am glad that you are making friends again and renewing old friendships. I think that is so important yet, ironically, so hard to do when you are depressed. I don't know if med school is for you; I guess you will have to wait and see how it goes and decide on your own. I think you will know when the time is right what to do. I hope that you are able to find some meds that work for your depression and for your poor tummy!

Best wishes,
Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 12:38pm
Rose, It seems that you are reaching out a bit more. I think that will really help. Are you going to go back to your old pdoc? I would recommend mine to you---but it would probably be about an hour drive for you and not worth the added stress even tho he's wonderful. Keep hanging in there! You're worth it! Debbie