Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Question
1
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:48pm

I don't know how to start this or for the fact what to say.I can't even believe that I actually gained the courage to write on this board because I've been thinking about it for sometime.

I guess you figured I'm new to this board. I've never been diagnosed with depression and I'm not sure what I'm feeling is depression or just low self esteem. I'm 23, overweight and have succesfully excluded myself from having any friendships outside my immediate family. The beginning of last summer I reached an all time low. I was having an argument with my mother and even though I try not to argue with her because no matter what she always has to be right and if you disagree with her your stupid or she thinks you're being ungrateful even though your not. That's how she made me feel like I was blaming her for something, whenever I try to talk to her about how I feel she thinks I'm blaming her for something and I can't talk to my sister because she'll tell my mother what I said. And I've successfully excluded myself from life so I have no friends.

Anyways I locked myself in my room and I was crying like I do when I get too emotional and all I could think about was if I wasn't here then life would be easier for everyone else. This isn't the first time I've thought like this but it is the first time I actually almost cut myself. I had the knife and I truly wanted to die the only thing that held me back was the fear of what was after. Every day is hard enought for me it I had to live an eternity in heaven or hell it would be impossible.

I decided that day that I would try to make things better and try to start loving myself. For a while I exercised more, I tolerated life a little better but every time I argue with my mother or realize what a failure I am in life I near that point again and it scares me.

I wan't to be able to get help but I don't want my parents to find out and everytime I try to talk to my doctor I chicken out. I don't have a job I just finished community college and have no money or car, so getting around without them knowing would be pretty much impossible . I just wish I knew what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: empresstalia
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:39pm

Hi hun!


Getting out from under your mothers wing (or her claws lol depending how you look at it hehe) is always a hard but necessary thing.

*hugs