TRIGGERS - Feeling Hopeless
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| Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:26pm |
I'm just at a point where I'm asking myself what is the point of living? I'm 53, working in a low paying dead end job, and considering filing bankruptcy. I can't hold a good job. I used to be a secretary, and a damned good one, but I've been fired from the last three secretarial jobs I've had, and it's really destroyed my self esteem.
I don't have anything saved for retirement, which means I'll probably have to work two jobs until I drop dead at one of them, or from exhaustion. I can't afford health insurance.
What is the purpose for people like me to be in the world? Just to struggle day after day and be unhappy for the rest of my miserable existence?
I'm just so tired. It's a struggle to get up in the morning. Don't tell me to see a doctor, because I don't have any money. After my bills, I only have $35 a week to spend on groceries and necessities.
I've been on several antidepressants, and none of them worked for very long without bad side effects. I refuse to take them anymore.
I just don't know why suicide would be so bad in my case. I'm just staying alive for other people's peace of mind. What about mine? Others would get over my death, but how do I get over hating life, and hating the way I have to live?
I'm trying to be logical here. I truly believe that some people are better off dead, and that their loved ones should recognize that and not be so selfish as to want them to stick around for someone else's sake. I'm don't feel like I'm in a depressed state, right now, just having a situational reaction to the state of my life.

Hi Jaded
To be honest Im not sure exactly what I could say to your post, except maybe this...
5 years ago I felt pretty much the way you do.
*hugs
Thanks. I really appreciate your concern, and I take it you are now a lesbian (assuming this since you are Co-CL of the lesbian forum), so you did make some major changes.
I think that when I was 44, I thought that no matter how rough life was, I would be o.k. Now, 9 years later, I'm not so sure.
Every year, I say "this will be my year" and every year, I get kicked down further and further. I honestly think there is a beginning and an end to the purpose of every life, and after that, we're only there for other people's benefit. Like when people have alzheimer's and they're in a rest home...what purpose are they serving except to put money in the owner's pocket?
Living in Florida, I see a lot of people get to a point where they would probably rather be dead, but are not, so they are forced to keep on living for someone else's sake. It's very depressing to see this. I know I don't want to end up like that. I'd rather end this farce now than to be 80 and destitute, living in some government rest home somewhere where my children never come to see me.
I know that they aren't going to take care of me. I raised two very selfish children, and if they were to be stuck with me, I'd go to the place that Medicaid would pay for, and be out of their hair.
I'd just rather end it now, when people can have good memories of me.
I know this sounds bad, but it's really a logical decision on my part. I've given it a lot of thought.
Hi again
Yes one of my changes was to finally come out as a Lesbian though I did know I was one since high school, it was actually a big part of my depression, denying that part of me for so long.
*hugs
(((Jaded)))) I am sending you many hugs. I want you to know that I have been in your shoes. Does that help at all? I always feel less alone if someone has experienced the same thing I have.
I want you to know that if you ever feel you might hurt yourself please call a hotline. The number is at the top page. There is also another board:
Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhsuicidesur
They may have some better insight. Here I worry that people here may not read or respond to posts because they are afraid that it may trigger them.
So those of us who can read about scary things...like this dark place we hope to help you out of...we will support you as best we can.
Each person here is so important.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support Board