Weekends becoming negative spiral...

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Weekends becoming negative spiral...
7
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 1:14am

Anybody else do a lot worse on the weekends? Ironically I spend the whole week waiting for the weekend...but when it gets here, I'm probably even more depressed! Hopefully tonight is just a bad night...and I'm trying to get my mood to realize the fact that my situation is great compared to that of many people in the world...but I still feel the need to whine...

Note: skip this paragraph if you want to skip the whine, lol! I'm just facing so many "little things" that I can't seem to do anything to change. My body aches, my stomach reacts badly to anything I eat, or even when I don't eat, and I'm having to spend more time and energy dealing with it (and the treatment my doctor prescribed hasn't helped)...I told my current pdoc I wouldn't be seeing her anymore, but then found out I can't get an appointment with the other pdoc until March.

Most bothersome of all, I can't get motivated to study and can't concentrate when I try (I'm very behind)...and I'm seriously doubting that med school is right for me anyway... but there is nothing else I can think of that would be right for me either! My friends have shown a little concern, but I haven't been able to talk to them, and I dropped out of the student group I was in, so I think I'm pretty much alone.

The overriding feeling I have is that every single thing in life is a chore, even down to showering and eating...there are just a few moments after I come home from class when I am glad to sit down and just check email...but soon after, the "chores" start back up again. I already spend much of the day just surfing the internet instead of studying, so it's hard to imagine how that would be a chore...but somehow it still feels that way.

I just hate this feeling of always waiting for one "chore" to be over (whether it's a class, or my nightly face-washing routine), only to have the next one start. I've been grasping at bits of the "mindfulness" therapy a former therapist taught me to try to appreciate and experience "the moment," but I just can't seem to...and the school counselor and pdoc I've seen don't know about that kind of therapy (I think it was somewhat experimental!).

OK, I need to get my head back on straight...my counselor told me to get the book "The Feeling Good Handbook" (which I already owned once and sold because it didn't seem to help)...but none of my local bookstores had it, and I'm still waiting for my Amazon order to come in...I know she's going to think I don't care enough even to do that. Plus another "assignment" of mine was to look into getting contact lenses to improve my self image...but I've tried those before, and I'm starting to think they're way more annoyance (and money) than they're worth...who cares anyway...I don't have to look at my ugly face all day at least (other people are the ones who have to see it, lol!).

Sorry...guess this is my long, rambling downward spiral of negative thinking...I guess I can hope that trying cognitive behavioral therapy once again might finally help, but I am doubtful. Maybe the counselor was right that I might not care enough to change? Maybe I like to complain...I just dislike everything about living right now. :(

Thanks for listening...I apologize again for this post...maybe I'll feel differently in the morning,

Rose

Edit: Oops, I just realized that I said only one paragraph would be a whine...not quite accurate, sorry!




Edited 1/29/2005 1:15 am ET ET by rosa444
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Registered: 11-04-1999
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 3:37am

Dear Rose: sending you hugs. In this last week's alanon, the one who currently doesn't have to work (at times I can get jealous how so few of us in the wednesday group don't work, some have kids at home, some don't), anyhow, she said how she was reading, how when we say we HAVE to do something it is like a chore, vs saying I GET to do something, so me and my sense of humor, when I had to leave that meeting to get back to work as I am ruled by a timeclock, I kidded and said, I GET to go back to work, but to me, it sure felt like I HAD to get back to work.

I do so agree with you, it does seem like there is so many chores sometimes, I have to come home and do laundry or fix a simple supper, but then again, when I try and look at the positive, it does help me somewhat.

I shared with someone here before, maybe you now that I think about it, I think my therapist does a mix match of therapy styles, as she gave me a listing once of "adult pleasures", no it wasn't all x rated like the title sounds, but listed hobbies and interests to try, and at first I was really working on that, even dragged dh to an art museum, which was no small feat. And then last week she gave me the assignment to try poetry again since I read her 3 that my Mom still had from my teenage years.

I guess my point is, try and find some interests or hobbies that might make the weekend seem more special or something to look forward to?

I really wish I could look into a crystal ball and tell you the answer on staying or not in medical school. I know you are so compassionate and caring you would make an awesome doctor, but those are the same skills that a lot of other professions need also from being a nurse to a counselor to a lot of other fields also.

I hope you slept well and feel better physcially today. And it wasn't whinning, it was opening up and sharing your feelings and that is so much better than what I did in my earlier years, I use to drown them in alcohol or bury them in food, and both are very self destructive.

take care, love and hugs, Josie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 9:11am
Hi Rose,
I agree with Josie, you aren't whining. We are so fortunate to have this board.It is a good, safe,place to open up and voice our fears and concerns without being criticized.
I don't have the problem with weekends. Mine is the opposite. My weeks are so busy that I live for the weekends when I can relax.
Have you any plans for today? If not, I want you to call a friend and suggest going somewhere. A movie, the art museum. Do you like history. If so, go to the history museum in Forest park. I can wander around that place for hours. Do something---please. Enjoy the day!
Debbie
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Registered: 01-27-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 11:51am

(((((Rose))))), I so understand what you're saying about weekends.

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Registered: 10-14-2001
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 6:03pm

Rose

I had a few thoughts when reading your e-mail.

First off I didn't find you to be whining. Those are legit reasons to feel down. I myself have a chronic condition that uglifies me in a little way..I've had it for years and it is very frustrating to deal with sometimes. I feel embarrassed and frustrated and angry for having it at the same time. So I can see how your daily physical issues are bringing you down a notch or two.

I would suggest looking in alternative therapies to help you. You are feeling significant discomfort and it's hard to live with that day after day. There must be reason you are feeling what you are feeling, no? First I would meditate on it and after meditating on it write down all possible solutions to the problem.

My second thought is this: Do you take time for fun? for play? Life IS a lot of work no question about it but if we have some fun or play time it's tolerable. Depressed individuals often do not know how to play or don't make it a priority. Is there something you can do on a regular basis, that doesn't ruin your checkbook or health, that gives you a sense of fun? Try to make some fun and play and part of your life.

As for not feeling in the right vocation...I'd listen to you inner self. Being a doctor is a huge investment on education and money. My sister became a doctor and she found out she didn't like it but could not leave for many years because she felt the guilt of having spent so much money studying something she didn't like! Not only the money...but the best years of your life doing something you don't like.

I am not saying give it up...I am just saying investigate your feelings. What is it you are nervous about? Write about it...maybe your inner self is telling you something.

Oh, when I suggested you go to an alternative health practitioner I mean not offense for regular doctors. I just think each excels at different things...and digestive disorders are one of the things that alternative health, IMO, is better at.

Take care

Kristina

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 7:33pm

Thank you all for such kind replies...this morning I felt so guilty about having posted what seemed like a major whine session, but thank you all for letting me know that it's OK...it is so great to have you ladies around.

Josie, I've started trying that strategy of saying I "get" to do something instead of I "have" to...it's difficult to convince myself of that, but I'm trying! A former therapist of mine also once gave me that list of "adult pleasures" (I wonder if it's the same one), so I'll have to see if I still have it...right now, though, I can't seem to enjoy anything, even things I used to like.

Plus I tend to put off so much work during the week with the thought that I'll catch up on it over the weekend that I really should spend the whole weekend studying...although of course I never do...but it makes me feel so guilty when I try to do anything else because I'm constantly thinking about school! I'll try to plan that better, though.

Debbie, thanks for the suggestions. I did email a friend to see if she wanted to do something tomorrow, but haven't heard back yet. And even though I knew I had to study today, I made the effort to go out and find a few coffeeshops to try to study in, instead of staying in my room like I usually do...and I guess that was a good change of pace.

Mary, thank you as well...I can definitely relate to you on both the weekends and the money front! (well, my money issues come more from the fact that I don't have a job and feel very guilty spending my parents' money on "frivolous" things, even though my parents are generous and tell me it's OK...but I got my bank statement from last month and was very unpleasantly surprised!). Thanks so much for the Irish hugs...they did help! And for the assurance that I'm not as much of a big, bratty whiner as I think I am!

Kristina, I really appreciate your ideas...I wasn't offended at all about your suggestion about an alternative practitioner...I have visited them before (for other problems) in the past and got some good results. It might be hard now that I don't have much money, and my insurance covers only M.D.'s...but I will look into it...at least maybe trying some things on my own, like getting back into yoga.

Also, you're right that I don't take time for fun or play...I do waste of lot of time surfing the internet and spending time on a med student website for fun...I guess it's good for keeping my mind off things, but it's not all that fun either. The problem is, I can't seem to enjoy anything at all...I have tried doing some photography, but the cost of printing photos got to be too much...I'll have to think about what I could do.

And about the vocation issue, I can definitely see where your sister was coming from...I've only been in med school a little over a semester, and already I feel like I've put so much time, effort, and especially money into it that it would be very hard to back out now. Plus I think that I'd likely be depressed no matter what I was doing (since I've been depressed for many years), so I should stick it out to see if I feel better. But it's true that my heart often feels like I belong elsewhere, as much as I try to deny that feeling.

Thanks again so much, you all...sorry for yet another monster-sized post! Physically I'm feeling a good bit better today, fortunately...but emotionally not much. It's not just that I feel like I have a lot of chores to do, in the sense of laundry or cleaning (although I hardly do those)...it's more that every single thing I do or try to do feels like a very unpleasant obligation, and I look forward only to the day being over, only to wake up and start it all again...if that makes any sense. But I will try some of you all's suggestions...thanks again,

Rose

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Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:54pm
Rose, I am so proud of you. Even if you didn't hear back from your friend ---at least you tried and who knows, maybe she'll get in touch with you tomorrow. You know, if you don't hear from her---you could do it the old fashion way---call her. LOL Seriously, maybe she hasn't checked her e-mail today. Going to a coffee shop to study is a great idea. I'm glad you tried. I'll have to ask my therapist if she has a lists of adult pleasures. I am defintly going to try saying "I get " instead of "I have to" (thank you Josie). Let's see..." I get to go be abused by an 8th grade class now." Hmmm....guess I'll have to work on it! Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 11:03pm

Hi,

The weekends are hard for me too. I just cancelled on going to a party because I knew I'd be surrounded my couples & just could not deal with trying to figure out where I was going to sit...

Everyone here seems to have covered the rest :)