Regret moving

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Regret moving
12
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:49pm

Hi,


I'm a single parent. I divorced a few yrs. ago. I thought it would be good to move back where I grew up. It's where my mom and sister live and thought as a single parent it would be good to have family nearby. I was feeling isolated where I was. I thought it would be good to leave the area where I dated my ex-husband and where we were married for a long time. Too many memories and I was having a hard time moving beyond the divorce. I had a job with great pay but it had it's problems. I finally found a job so I could move back to where I grew up. Bad news...had to take a 15% pay cut. But I thought it would be worth it.


I've been in the new area about a month. I've had so many second thoughts and regrets about this move. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach every day like something horrible is going to happen. I didn't realize just how stressful it would be to move, start a new job, put my child in a new school, and stay with someone until I found a place. There have been quite a few problems with everything. Especially the job. I feel overwhelmed, fatigued, irritable, and I cry ocassionally. I get freaked out about the pay cut too.


My sister has been a

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: legs22
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 9:11pm

Hi hun


Welcome to the board.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: legs22
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 10:40am

(((((((((((((((((((((((((imadreamer2003)))))))))))))))))))


I have been in your shoes twice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
In reply to: legs22
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:15am

I am not feeling any better. I saw a counselor through EAP last Fri. It hasn't helped. I see her again

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
In reply to: legs22
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 7:10pm
Is anyone out there??????
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: legs22
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:22pm

As I read your post, I wondered, is there anyway to make a U turn in your life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
In reply to: legs22
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 3:49am

Cl-tracarts and Caly- Thanks for responding to my posts. Not sure why no one else does??? I feel like I am talking to myself sometimes.


I am not sleeping well. I am up at 3:00am. Even with low dose Desyrel.


When I was where I previously lived, I was having trouble coping also. I was irritable, crying, feeling overwhelmed, not sleeping well. I felt alone, isolated, and without support. I felt stuck. When I told my mom she suggested on go on something, so my primary put me on Desyrel 50mg. It felt too strong so I cut back to 25mg. I had been wanting to move for several years before that. I felt that I didn't like my job (but pay and hours

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: legs22
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 6:42am

Hi hun


Sounds to me, like the root of this really has nothing to do with the jobs or where you are living.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
In reply to: legs22
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 7:26am

Thanks Caly.


Things went downhill with the divorce in 2000.


I am afraid if I move back, all the unhappy feelings there would return after my initial feelings of happiness at being back. Then I would have to go to an insane asylum.


I do need to get my emotions on a more even keel. I am down so low right now I can't stand it any more. I am probably not seeing things clearly because of the depression. I feel like I need some IV sedation for a week just to give myself a break from this feeling.


I am not coping well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
In reply to: legs22
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 6:27pm

I agree w/ Caly, that you need to talk to a therapist to get at the root of things. No amount of moving will improve things (i've tried that a few times myself)... Go easy on your mom for not calling you back - I bet it doesn't have a thing to do with YOU, but with HER own feelings - she probably just doesn't know what to say/do. I know most of my friends & relatives were REALLY uncomfortable talking with me when I confessed I was depressed. Moms especially, because they don't want to see their kids suffering, and want to feel like they can make it better.

I'd advise you DON'T quit your job just yet - you're new to town, it sound like. And if you're depressed, it won't help to be depressed AND jobless AND insurance-less (i've tried that one too). Don't create more instability in your life until you get some stability in your emotional state. But DO take a day off without pay when you need it now & then, if you can adjust your budget in some way to afford that.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents. I'll be thinking of you!!

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: legs22
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 7:22pm

Hi!

God I SOOOOO KNOW what you are going through. I feel like I can feel your pain completely because I just went through more than 1 year of living your current life, but I am FINALLY finding my way out and this past week has been the best week for me in a LONG time. I will tell you my story in hopes that you know that others make the same mistake.

In 2003 I wanted to move out of my place because I wanted a bigger place with my own water softening system because I thought a water softener would make my hair softer/nicer (I have body dismorphic disorder with obsession on my hair), so I bought a house in a town close to my then current place and spent $5000 on the latest watering system. Turned out not to help my hair, it looked worse, so I went into severe depression about moving, couldn't sleep, dreamt about moving back to my old place. Then through the depression I started wanting to move back to where my parents live in Chicago (I currently live in California). I also started hating my job, not getting along with my boss, and dreaming about changing my career. So back in May of '04 I took a 1 month leave of absence and came to Chicago to try to figure out what to do. On my leave of absense I met a guy and fell in love very quickly. I also decided to quit my job when my leave was done because I didn't know what else to do. Right after that I regretted it terribly! I had NO job, I couldn't decide where I wanted to live (in California where my boyfriend was, or in Chicago close to my parents), and I was still having massive regrets about having moved cause I hated my new house, it was much bigger/colder/more expensive than my old place, everything felt like hell, the only think I felt I had was my boyfriend. In 6 months I travelled back in forth to and from Cal to Chicago about 10 times; everytime I would get severely depressed I would fly home, often my parents threatened not to let me leave cause I was talking about killing myself; mainly my depression was over quitting my job, but everyone would tell me "but you were misserable at that job", but all I could remember was loving it. Then in Nov I got a new job, but 2 days into the job I realized I hated it, I know you have to give jobs a chance, it could be that I was comparing my new job too much to my old job and it didn't match up, so I never went back on the third day and resigned. That got my depression even worse, I was crying every day, had no clue what to do with my day, felt like I was living in a nightmare. I started going on interviews trying to find a job back in my old field with the product I had worked on before, but got a lot of rejections which made me even more depressed. Also, during this whole time I still had my body dismorphic disorder with obsession on my hair and kept trying to "fix" what I thought was bad hair. In early Dec I had got some bleach on my hair by mistake while doing my laundry and I noticed it "changed", that same day I had a pretty grueling interview in a company I didn't even want to work for, but it was the only option I had at the time. I was so depressed I took an entire bottle of my sleeping pills, turned off all my phones and just went to sleep, with complete determination that I wanted to die. My boyfriend was trying to reach me, finally giving up. In the morning I woke up (I was very upset that I woke up), had all the messages from my boyfriend so I called him and told him what I did. He took me to the ER and I was hospitalized for 4 days, then spent 2 months in partial hospitalization going to group therapy all day, doing cognitive therapy and trying out different medications. I was recommended to give up my job search and go into an in treatment program in Wisconsin that specializes in OCD, but I was obsesed with trying to fix my life, i.e. stay with my boyfriend and get a good job, so I went against their recommendations and stayed in California. Well, they discharged me from the program so again I had nothing to do all day and was completely depressed. Then I got a call from a former boss who runs a team that works with the product I used to work for and they had an opening for me, I felt the sky had opened up and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Well, I started the job 1 week ago and I feel like I am alive again, my depression is slowly disipating and every day I feel stronger and more confident, I feel I made the right decision by staying in Cal to try and get a job. My relationship is in ruins because of my depression, but I feel strong because I have a good job and can afford my house and am feeling independent again.

So not sure if my story helps you but over the past 14 months of my ordeal here is what I have found out about myself:
1) I can't deal with change, so from now on when I make any change it will be very slow and not impulsive.
2) I need a good job to give me self confidence, but any job is better than NO job, so never quit a job without another one waiting.
3) The relationships you make with cooworkers will follow you throughout your career so never burn bridges, even if you think your coworker/boss is skum. Talking bad about someone to a collegee, or doing something irresponsible, like quiting without 2 weeks notice (as I did) will haunt your future job search.
4) Moving to a different town is not the answer. I went back and forth to Chicago 10 times trying to "feel different", unfortunately my problems always came with me.
5) Medication does not work really well except to help your relax and get sleep, it does not fix your problems. Medication has helped me obsess less and have less anxiety but it did not help me get a job.
6) Suicide is NOT an option. I tried it and the aweful feeling I feel now thinking about my mom's face when she came to see me in the hospital after my suicide attempt was the sadest most depressing of all experiences. Killing yourself will affect the people that love you so deeply, it's just not an answer no maatter how bad things get.
7) Family is your only true support group. I had so many friends just tell me they did not want to be my friend anymore cause they could not deal with my depression, but my family never gave up on me. So to me the fact that you are close to your family now makes a lot of sense, if you were depressed before in your old living situation, I don't see how going back there will help.

A few recommendations for you if you don't mind:
1) I found Clonapin worked really well for me for anxiety and for crying attacks. It's an anti-anxiety medicine and really helped calm me down adn get good sleep.
2) Read self-help books, I really liked "From Abandonment to Connection", and "Feeling Good". They have exercises you can do every day to FORCE yourself to feel better and see things in a different light.
3) Try to find something to do that you enjoy. For me it was always exercise, the endorphines really helped, even if I could only manage a 15 minute walk it was better than nothing.
4) Don't force yourself out of your depression, if you feel like staying in bed and sleeping and just reading, don't feel bad about it. I forced myself too much to try to fix things, but giving in to my depression and just accepting that I feel bad and need to work on ME really helped.

Anyways, this post is getting really long. I just want you to know that I have been through a lot of what you are currently experiencing but I am finally getting to the end (I hope). Take care of yourself, be good to yourself, don't blame yourself, and work on yourself to see how your experience has made you a better person. Things will work out!

LR

Pages