GUILT: A question & A challenge....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
GUILT: A question & A challenge....
13
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 10:14am

I have been inspired once again by one of our wonderful members. Mouselet posted on roll call about how bad she feels for having disrupted her family, and how she should have gotten help sooner.

My question: How much is guilt part of your depression?

My challenge: Listen to that inner voice, that produces the guilt. Ask yourself a simple question: If my best friend had just said that what would you respond.

My inner voice says: "I should have gotten help soonner."

Your response to your best friend: "Healing does not have a time-line. You can't go backwards in time. You did the best you could at that time. You are now moving forward, and doing the best you can to heal and make your life better and cure this illness."

Are you going to take my challenge? Don't feel guilty if you don't. lol

Ironically, I feel guilty about not doing enough here. I care so much...but I am still not doing well.

I guess I have to take my own challenge. *wink*

Thank you for your answers. Thank you Mouselet for inspiring me. Thank you all....you are actually all an inspiration to me.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 10:55am

I'm glad I managed to inspire you. I'm not feeling particularly inspired myself. I'm sitting here crying, feeling worse and worse as the day goes on. Its actually even just too hard to write down what I even feel.

But back to your question. Guilt is definitely part of my depression, even though its irrational. It goes back to the loss of my baby. I still wonder if I hadn't have waited for my normal doctors appt would it have been any different. I know logically it wouldn't because my pregnancy ended for a very specific reason - one baby, two sets of chromosomes, and a tumour. Not a chance. But even though its irrational, I feel guilty anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 11:31am

(((((Lisa))))), you do the best you can, and it's wonderful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 8:40pm

((((Mouselet)))) Please promise me you will say the following words: "It is not my fault. It is not my fault." You should not feel guilty, you could not have done anything to fix that sweet innocent life. Please say those words...please say them over and over. Not your fault!!!!

I wish I could hug away your pain.

You are a lovely part of this board...and yes, you inspire more folks than just me.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 8:52pm

((((Mary)))) Not your fault....not your fault.....not your fault. Enough time has passed for you to start to believe how wonderful you are. Please start to tell yourself that you are better than they told you. You are so much better than they led you to believe.

I was one of the lucky ones. I had parents who supported me entirely. But it actually made me suseptible to an abusive man. I was hurt by a passively aggressive emotionally abusive man. He took me down....he took away all of my self esteem.

But I have it back now. You can get it back too.

Mary...you are an extraordinary and sweet human. I always feel lucky to have you in my life.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 7:31am

Right now Guilt has me wanting to die.. does that count?


Last night my Mother called to yell and scream at me for 40 mins and call me every ToS word in the book (and I mean Every!)

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:56am

((((((Caly)))) We could never ever hate you. You are one of the most wonderful humans on the planet. No way are you a bad mother. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!!!! You are giving him the life that he wants. Of course, he thinks he can do those things. You are giving him the gift of independance. He knows that he can call you any time day or night. You are not ruining anything.

You will be wonderful for and with Kirshe.

I hate how horrible your Mom is to you. She is not the only opinion for you....right now it feels like that. Man can parents do a job on folks....bleck. Your Mom does not understand how much she hurts you when she does this stuff. I am so sorry that she hurts you like this.

Please know that if I ever get a chance to have a daughter, I would be so proud if she turned out like you. Maybe someday your Mom will realize that inspite of her harshness that she made one incredible person.

For today, you can pretend to be my daughter. Even if I am a few years younger...I'll take you into my heart and keep you safe from the world.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:15am

((((((((((Caly)))))))))), your mother sounds a lot like my father and my in-laws.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 11:12am

14 is a good age to be given responsibility. I was already younger than that when I became a "latch-key" kid. To be honest, I was often a little lazy about my homework, but when the crunch came, I knew it was up to me, and did what I had to. We had good neighbours that we could pop into if we ever had problems (only once did we need to, when I fell out the peach tree and cut my head open).

14 is a good age. Old enough to take responsibility, and understand that if he abuses your trust, there will be consequences. Be clear about what the rules are, and what you (even though you wont be nearby) expect from him. Consider this - if you were a bad mom, you wouldn't trust your son enough to do this. But its clear that you do, so therefore you have been a great mom. You have obviously taught him responsibility and independence, which are valuable qualities to have. Especially as a teenager. In other words, you done good!

And if at any stage, you or your son (or ex for that matter) are unhappy with the arrangement, changes can be made. Life is not cast iron you know. Its flexible, and prone to change.

After school clubs are a good option too, especially if your son enjoys them. And what about making an arrangement with one of his friends parents to have him over one afternoon a week too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 11:35am
i don't think, even if your mother tried to have your son taken away, that she could. he is old enough by most laws in most states to be home alone for a while. i believe most kids must be at least 10 or 12 yrs old or past the 6th grade...i THINK! my sis learned the hard way that military bases are different from the usual citizens homes. she had an evil neighbor that hated her in germany on the base they lived on. her friend, right across the yard (apartments), was coming over to hang out with my 10-yr-old nephew (who is far older acting than in age LOL). he sat and played computer games for 10 minutes until the neighbor got there, with the door locked, but my sis got in trouble for THAT! you have to be 12 on a military base. my ex-BIL would leave him home for more than an hour in a city, not on a safe military base, with the same situation (except no neighbor to watch over him). but it was legal for the ex, not for my sis! weird i know.
if you think your mom would really try to get you and ex in trouble, then you can always check on your states laws. 14 should be old enough anywhere to spend some time alone at home everyday. i lived in the country when i was younger and was home alone regularly, not for a really long time but i knew to lock the doors, don't answer for strangers, don't tell anyone on the phone that you are alone (pretend mom is in the bathroom and can't take a call or whatever). i never had a problem at all. my parents did it with all of us when we grew up and it teaches you a lot about responsibility. i should think that would be a *good* thing!
my grandma has always guilt-tripped my mom so i know what you mean and i'm really sorry you have to deal with that. just don't listen to her. you are a great mom and you are doing the best you can and if she can't deal with it, that's her problem! you don't have to listen to her! just say something like *mom, i love you, i really do, BUT I DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THIS EVEN FROM YOU! you can call me when you are calm and rational.* then hang up! yep, it'll make her mad, but better her mad than you depressed and guilty feeling for no reason!
hang in there.
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 2:04pm

I feel terrible about what I am putting on my family at times, my youngest son is the most effected and I have to be very careful about him, if I blow my nose he comes running wanting to know if I am crying and if he does catch me crying he tells me to please be strong, please don't cry, it just makes me feel so undeserving of his love and care, I don't want him to grow up scared that his mommy is going to lose it. My mother held her problems and unhappiness over our heads all our lives and I don't want to do that to him.

They deserve so much better, but thank God I have them.

You all hang in there.

Lynette

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