struggling tonight (trig)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
struggling tonight (trig)
4
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 11:25pm

i'm not sure exactly where to start. i guess it isn't just tonight, it's been getting worse for sometime now. obviously, losing the baby was the major trigger. the D&C was added stress, and it was to help me try to emotionally let go. i think it might have worked too, i accepted that the baby was gone - really gone - and i had to move on.
then the infection set in and i thought, ok i can do this. i will get better, it will just take longer.
then this problem with my appendix, and the *retrograde bleeding* or whatever began. the ER, the hospital stay (which'll pretty much get anybody down), the surgery...
and now i feel worse than i can remember feeling ever. i have no strength at all. it hurts just to breath. i know that physically was worn down before this surgery, because i lost the baby and had the D&C, then the infection - it was one thing after another after another. that'll weaken even someone in good shape, and let's face it, i wasn't in great shape before. not bad, but i didn't exactly work out or have a good stamina either.

my mom called, she wanted to know how i was doing. i said honestly, not well. she said yea it's probably tough. i said that's putting it lightly. she said i would be fine, i said perhaps - eventually - but right now that's hard to see. right now all i feel is pain, inside and out. she got kinda huffy with me, saying she did it with 2 small children and i could manage taking care of just one, especially since DS isn't a bad kid, blah blah blah. i kind of shut her out then. obviously, she wanted to hear i was doing well and that wasn't the truth and i wasn't going to lie. she brought up that she had a surgery when i was 1 and DB was 5 (she said having 2 small children, well it's different when 1 is bigger and potty trained too) like that has anything to do with what i just went through. it's hard physically to handle a small child, even just one, after 1 surgery. ok.
i just lost my baby, had surgery, got an infection, survived that to find out i had another problem, had my appendix removed and some infection and bleeding cleaned up inside saturday, and just got home yesterday afternoon and CANNOT BREATH AND OMG I AM IN PAIN. am i supposed to lie when someone calls, just because honestly they only WANT to hear i am doing well when that is a total lie? i am so very very weak.
DS is driving me crazy. i love him dearly, i do i do i do. but he keeps throwing toys at me, hitting me, shoving me - and i know it's an attempt to get my attention. i feel bad because i know it isn't like he wants to hurt me. but he he is hurting me. DH just sits on the couch and if i scream loud enough, he does something to stop DS. that's about it.
i just want to disappear for a while, where no one can hurt me, emotionally or physically, but i have no where to go.
thank you for listening to me.
~leslie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:40am

(((((((((((((((((((((((((leslie)))))))))))))))))))))))


I am sorry that you were in such pain last night, I wish I had seen this then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:10pm
thank you. your reply meant more than you know. i have been thinking about mom almost nonstop. i sent her and dad an email last night, saying i understand if they do not want to talk to me much right now. i am not exactly a joy to talk to, and i am not going to lie and say i feel good because i don't and i don't know when i will again. it's not that i'm not trying, or i don't want to get well, but from where i am right now i don't foresee this being a quick recovery - physically or emotionally. i told them i love them very much and wasn't upset with them and i hoped they could understand where i was coming from.
i have a hard time with mom sometimes. i am very close to my parents, and i treasure that. my siblings and i are very close as well. i know people don't want to hear that you don't feel well, that you are in pain, or whatever else is wrong. i usually just say *well i'm alive* because i AM, and it's not admitting that i'm not ok or that i'm in pain! ;)
anyway, thanks again. i'm grateful i found this place, where people don't judge me for feeling like this.
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 1:47pm

I'm sorry for what you are going through right now, it must be terrible. I just had the flu one time a just about lost my mind with my DS, maybe you need to have a loooong talk with DH and tell him you have to have more help, men sometimes just does not get it when it comes to helping out in a time like this, with men you have to spell out just what it is you need from them and be firm, one time my DH didn't get it until I was near falling apart.

You were right not to lie to you mother, she asked don't sugar coat it to make HER feel better. I'm thinking about you and praying for your recovery.

Lynette

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 3:18pm
i have tried to make DH understand, but i don't think he really gets it. it isn't that he doesn't know i need help, but that he doesn't see my inability to stop DS from inflicting pain (i know DS doesn't mean it) and he doesn't see why DS is acting like this.
men can be so dense sometimes! i know that DS is confused, he knows mommy has been sick lately and now mommy has owies and she isn't doing what she normally does. i don't think his mind is capable of understanding it all and connecting it, ya know? so he gets frustrated and acts out as all small children will. DH sees that as him just misbehaving, but i don't think DS can control it. i mean, what really separates us from children besides size? knowledge and the ability to control our emotions. DS is understandably lacking in that department, as he isn't yet 2. so DH gets upset, and i feel bad for involving DH at all and don't want DS to be punished for something he can't stop or understand! LOL. what a problem. it will get better as i heal, i keep telling myself tomorrow will be better or the day after that.
as for mom, i think i mentioned in a reply before that i emailed her and dad last night. usually i would have heard something from them by now, but not today. i wonder if they are just giving me space, are really busy perhaps, or are somehow upset? i hope not that later.
am getting ready to go to my dr's checkup this afternoon, i hope i have an email when i return. my family means so much to me, it upsets me to think that perhaps my mom is upset or something. i know she shouldn't be, and she loves me very much, so this will all be fine in the end.
~leslie