What is my purpose...
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| Tue, 02-01-2005 - 1:19am |
Last week I queried about if I would be missed. Thank you for all your support & kindness.
Every day I keep thinking..."why the hell am I here". I feel like I am going through the motions. I know I am not suicidal, but when the day comes that my Dad is no longer around, I might consider it. I have all my papers in order.
I just can't figure out why I am here. I don't want to be here for other people. I mean, I am a friend, but they don't need me. If they did, they would call & make some time & yes, I have reached out to people. It gets kinda old at 39. People just don't need people much anymore.
I am a very fit person, have joined clubs to meet people...nothing. They are either married or gay...that is not an option for me.
I know that just being there for yourslef is enough...right? I don't know, I get a little tired of pulling up the boot straps & the putting on the smile.
I just feel like I am going through the motions. I have made goals & do the work & still not very excited.
Any comments?

It sounds like you and I are walking down the same road. I ask myself that all the time, and I'm 37. When I finally brought it up with my husband, he said, "well, you may never really know why you're here." Oh, like that's really encouraging, huh? He's not really philosophical about things - he just does his duty as he sees it, and goes on. I, on the other hand, want my duty to be fulfilling.
I feel that way about some of my friends, too. Like they hang out with me when it's convenient and move on when someone/something more interesting comes along. Logically, though, I don't think that's true. I don't talk to everyone I love every single day, but it doesn't mean I don't still love them. We all have lives and responsibilities, and we adjust accordingly. The people I hold most dear are in my heart all the time, whether I call or write them or not, whether they call or write me or not.
People still need people, but I think our lives have got so full of excess baggage that it gets harder and harder to just spend time with each other.
I wonder all the time, "what's the point?" I don't have an answer yet either.
Finally someoene that gets it. You are so lucky to have someone to share your life with.
Thank you again for sharing...it made me feel less alone in my thoughts.