My confused feelings :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
My confused feelings :(
5
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:33am

I have been involved with a man for over 2 years. He is 11 years older. When we just started dating I told him that marriage was not on my mind. I had a pretty tough divorce with my ex-husband, who cheated on me. But this man started talking marriage and “growing old together” rather quickly into our relationship. At first I was scared and hesitant, but then I gave in and started dreaming about the same things as well. Well, the time went by but he did nothing other than talks about how happy we’d be. He treated me well, but he was obviously lying about the key part of our relationship: staying together and having a family. I also saw how he lied to other people and it all just made sense to me (like a puzzle where all pieces come together once you figured out the key structure). He kept lying and I kept hoping. I tried talking about it, he kept lying. When I tried talking seriously about it, he told me I was pushing...
I would also like to note here that since my divorce happened on the basis of my ex-husband’s infidelity, I told him many times how badly that cheating hurt me. I practically begged him several times to never do that to me because I am afraid I won’t be able to handle something like that again. We had deep talks about that and he promised that that will never happen, because he was not like that at all.
Well, then all of a sudden (26 months into dating) he became “busy with work” for a week, and I sensed that that was a lie as well. I went to his place and found other woman’s cloth there, while all my stuff was gently moved elsewhere. His professionalism in hiding things does not leave to desire for more. To avoid too much details: he hid my things in such a way that when he puts them back he won’t get confused what goes where and how. On top of that I saw that he hid some valuables, which were easy to steal, which speaks volumes about the woman he brought in (as well as her cloth). I broke up with him.
2 months go by and we get back in touch. He cries and begs me to come back. He says all the right things. He made a horrible mistake… I knew I was doing the wrong thing, but I gave it a shot and went out with him 2 times. Once again: caught him lying. He tried cheating on me during these 2 dates by telling me he had his daughter on a certain day, while I knew for a fact that he was having a date with some one else. When I confronted him, he offered to break up with her right then via telephone. I stopped him, because I knew I was leaving him once again.

Anyway, that all is just in the past now. But I feel completely disgusted. The feeling of disgust overwhelms me. That’s the only feeling I have from early morning till late at night. I think that’s how rape victims feel. I feel horrible, and I can not even understand what I am feeling so badly about: him for doing that to me, me for letting him, the whole situation… I think I am depressed. I sleep a lot and want to cry but I can not figure out what I want to cry about. I am definitely not in love with him any more. I am not even interested. I just feel raped so to speak and I do not know how to get over all this. How do I deal with these feelings? How do I explain them? The fact that I do not understand them makes it even harder on me. Please, help.

Avatar for svetlana1833
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:06pm

You trusted yourself to someone who betrayed that trust and it's completely normal for you to feel hurt and depressed. It can be really easy for you to blame yourself - "how could I have been so stupid?" - but don't beat yourself up. (Been there, done that, didn't like it much.) That only makes you MORE depressed.

I know this probably seems really trite, but give yourself some time. You didn't do anything wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:09pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pinkq))))))))))))))))))))))))


I am sorry things like that happened to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:58pm

Thank you guys :)

Svetlana, are you Russian?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 1:50pm


Pink,

You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. You just had the bad luck of being involved with creeps. I was involved with a real emotional abuser at one time in my life. I felt nearly suicidal with self blame when the relationship ended. Why did I get involved with him? Why didn't I dump him as soon as I realized he was such a creep? How could I have been so stupid as to trust him? all these things went running through my head at the time.
I worked with a pretty great therapist to regain my self esteem.

The next guy I seriously dated was my husband who is very warm, caring, and trustworthy. It is partially just a roll of the dice. You just have to keep looking until you find the right person for you.

You should work on yourself with the help of therapy also. I am convinced the more positive, self confident you become, the more likely you will attract one of the "good ones". I really hope you love yourself more and realize that this was them not YOU.

S.

Avatar for svetlana1833
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 4:02pm
Heehee. No, I'm not Russian. I just like the name. :-)