Ongoing Depression (possible trigger)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Ongoing Depression (possible trigger)
3
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 6:08pm

Hi, I am new to this board. I hope I am welcome to post sometimes when I need to, and maybe I can help too, if other people need it. I have suffered from depression for the past few years. I have had chronic unemployment problems. The only "job" I have going for myself is an ongoing temp job at a large corporation. I am the floater there for their regular receptionist. I only get to come in when he needs a day or a few days off. It's veryarbitrary, and I am not making much money at all. Also, people there don't even act like I am a real person. I have temped there for 2 years, hoping some position that I can do on a permanent basis might come up. I have applied for a couple, but have never been chosen. In the past I have kept a good face on things, but this past year it's become harder to do so. The regular receptionist always says, "oh thanks for coming in...you're the best," when I do come in, but yet, I have never been invited to the company Christmas party, or their quarterly office meetings which are also social.I know this is standard office behavior, but it still hurts. I feel I have demonstarted that I have liked the people and that I have enjoyed working there, and that I am grateful to be there. But despite of this, many of the women have made fun of my clothes and my weight. Most of the women there make high salaries and can afford designer clothes, but I can not.

I think they also know I am doing badly financially, because I am there so sporadically, and they probably wonder how I make my rent. Truthfully, I haven't and my landlord is being nice by letting me remain. He knows I am trying to make something of myself and that the economy is bad. Still, I feel really bad about not being able to make any money. My temp agency only sends me to this company because they hope someday I will get hired there. I keep telling them to find other assignemnts but they don't listen.

Anyway, I haven't been called in this week yet, and I sit alone most of the day in my apartment. Sometimes I wish I could go into a coma or something so I can stop living this nightmare. I know my landlord is nice, but he could want me to leave. I feel really low lately-like I am the worst person on earth, with no good qualities. This company makes me feel like I am not worth getting to know any better. Anyway, I hope people understand what I am feeling. I just needed to get some feelings out. I hope no one feels worse or angrey because of my post. Any thing positive that you have to say would be welcome. Thanks so much! Hope i can participate in you community! I go to this board not always every day because I have to use a public computer. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 6:40pm

Citygirl71,


You are certainly welcome to post here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 5:16pm

Thanks for your response. I have tried to go with other agencies, but they all seem slow or never call me back or they have said over the phone: "We will call you if there is a match of a job with your qualifications," and then they never do. At least that's been my experience. I know I sound really negative but temping in my city just seems non-existant! I did take an assignment with another temp agency this fall- it was around election time, and I helped our Board of Elections with the weeks leading up to election day and then did some clean-up work for them after the election. So that was good. I guess I can't say there's been nothing.

But I need a better life than this. My landlord actually did call this morning - he left a brief message, but didn't sound angry- but I need to talk with him and hear what he has to say. I was in tears for most of this afternoon. My brain feels drained and achy right now. That's a sensation I get when I am really depressed. I just feel my dreams are being crushed. I feel incompetent and like I will never be able to have a real life.

I will go to the work boards too and see what is being said there too. I hope I didn't upset you; I am just venting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 6:33pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((Citygirl71))))))))))))))))))


No you didn't upset me,