Feeling sorry for the ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Feeling sorry for the ex
11
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:32am

There has been a lot of changes happening in my life lately. I've been thinking more and more about my ex.

We had a hearing Monday and I was awarded a large increase in child support. It was something that I had been looking forward to, mainly because he has put me through hell the last 3 yrs. But now that I have it, I feel very guilty and sorry for him. Right now he lives beyond his means, he makes very good money but he is pretty far in debt.

I'll admit, this hearing Monday was more of a vindictive thing on my part. He has me in tears every time we exchange the kids. He has done things like key my car, calls DCF on me and makes false reports, fought me two years for custody, the list has gone on and on. But now that I finally got things going my way, I'm feeling very sorry for him. He called me last night. I could tell he has been very stressed. I don't want him feeling that way. He feels like I've ruined his life.

The judge awarded me guideline support. It is about 30% of his income, but with his bills, he is probably going to have to file for bankruptcy. Now I'm wondering if this was all even worth it. I think this may just make him more vindictive. He is paying $1319 a month for two kids now. I don't think he is going to be able to handle this and I think maybe it was the worst thing I could have done.

I do still care for him and I feel terrible when things get bad for him. I have always told him I wish things could have worked out between us and we could live together as an intact family. Should I feel sorry for him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 11:06am
you obviously have a very big heart, jody. i don't think you can stop yourself from feeling sorry for this person whom you once thought you'd spend forever with. that is human nature (at least for us women lol). but you DO have to think of the kids needs and your needs. it sounds like the man did a lot of awful things to you, and now that it's time to *pay the piper* he's trying to make you feel guilty. are you sure things are so bad for him, or is he just embellishing it to make you back off? is he using your kindness, your residual feelings for him, to get out of paying extra child support? there are ways to cut back lifestyle costs, and by the sound of it he could. if he is living *beyond his means* that is NOT YOUR FAULT. he can cut back on his own, could have long ago.
really it is entirely up to you. do you think, if you somehow managed a way around making him pay this extra money, that anything would change? that he'd suddenly change his treatment of you? that he'd use that money to pay off his debts and avoid bankruptcy? or do you think he'd continue on right as he was before, treating you like dirt, keying your car, fighting you in court, and spending far too much money to live beyond his means and get farther in debt? if you change your mind, you are the one who will have to live with it and it sounds like this guy is NOT a nice guy, not too likely to change overnight.
my ex-BIL did a lot of similar things to my sister. it has greatly affected my nephew over the years. he's a great kid, but he has some very serious issues to deal with. he's 11 now, was 1 when they divorced and it's been nothing but a battle for custody, visitation, child support (more like lack thereof), and tons of lies.
i hope you find the strength to do what you believe is right. if you think not taking the money is right, then follow that. no one can tell you what to do but yourself.
good luck.
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 1:06pm

((((((((((((((((((((Jodyann)))))))))))))))))))))


While your taking him back to court over the child support issue, might have been vindictive to begin with, child support as far as the courts go is pretty much a mathmatical formula.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 1:49pm


Jody,

Your ex is such a loser. Your kids are entitled to child support. This is not your money or his money, it is your children's money. You should not feel guilty at all unless you intend to spend your children's child support on a new diamond ring for you :)
REMEMBER it is not your money or his money, it is the CHILDREN's MONEY. If he cannot support his children, shame on him!! Let your ex learn how to live on a budget like the rest of the planet. Tell him to grow up.

Now why are you talking to him on the phone? What purpose does this serve? I think you need to admit to yourself that it is over, he is remarried, and move on. If you continue to allow him to emotionally abuse you, the only one that will suffer is you. I BET he loves emotionally torturing you!! If he decides not to pay, the court can garnish his wages or better yet throw him in jail.

Sorry to sound a little harsh but your ex is a real piece of work. You must work on yoru self esteem or your ex will spend the rest of his life tormenting you.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 2:11pm
I actually called him and told him I was sorry. He really did get run over bad. I did it because I have just been completely tormented by the things he has been doing. The kids want to live over there so that makes it worse for me. I've been completely stressed out. Regardless, I think I took the increase for the wrong reason. I actually called him up and apologized for running him over so bad and told him I would write a check for part of the money back each month.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 2:22pm


Jody,

This is your kids money not yours. You do not have the right to return the money to your ex when it is not yours. (ie the judge would hit the roof if he knew.) Again, why are you maintaining unnecessary contact with him? Why feel sorry for him when he called social services on you and slandered you? When he maliciously destroyed your car? When he has been emotionally abusive? Do you like torturing yourself? I hope not. Do you think he would return money to you? I think not.

I have worked with neglected/abused kids for ages. I have seen 18 year old boys step up to the plate and take responsibility for their children. Is your ex mentally disabled/physically disabled? IF not, the judge determined he could pay, and pay he must.You ultimately had nothing to do with it. The judge could have refused your motion and believe me judges do it all the time if the motion was without merit. Remember the law set down the rules. You should obey the court order or you are hurting your kids not to mention possibly risking contempt of court.

If you want, put the money away in your kids' college fund. However, IT IS NOT YOUR MONEY. Remember that. STOP TORTURING YOURSELF.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:07pm
as harsh as it sounds, i would have to agree that it is you KIDS money. it isn't for you to decide who gets it and for what (the judge gets to decide that). if your description of him was even 50% true (and i don't doubt you are telling the truth hun), then the guy can afford it and his debt is HIS FAULT not yours. you do not need to take the mistreatment, and he is manipulating you purely for financial reasons! (ok, perhaps he also gets some perverse joy out of it too, i dunno)
selena is right. it isn't your money, and the judge would FLIP OUT if he/she knew what you had just agreed to. don't be walked all over because you have a kind, sensitive personality. the man is using you, and your kids are the ones who are going to be the victims here.
it's hard to harden your heart to someone you used to love, but after all the things he's done to you, don't you think it's time?
you should call your lawyer and tell him/her what you have agreed to over the phone and see what he says. my guess is he will tell you don't risk it. your ex can use this disregard of the judges orders AGAINST you in court (even though you think you are just doing a private favor, the judge won't see it that way!). i watched my ex-BIL use my sister's better nature against her time and time again, and in the end it hurt her when decision time came in court. he could just as easily rule against you because of this next time around!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 5:57pm
It is interesting to see the responses on this. I have this posted on the divorce and custody board and DV boards. Most of the responses I have been getting are very similiar to yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:45pm
don't write a check for the money back- he doesn't deserve it. the way that he has treated you deserves pain money for you. i don't know how child support works- if he gives the checks to the state or something and they give it to you. if anything, tell him to write it for less, but don't go out of your way to help him. and the way he is treating you sucks. i have been feeling sorry for an ex lately too, but i am sitting here realizing that if someone treats you badly, that's it for them. no excuses on our parts. we need to take care of ourselves. use your big heart to love your kids and don't waste too much of it on him. good luck! i hope that isn't harsh, i am just tired of men walking all over me and my friends and probably taking it out on the whole bunch a little.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 7:20am
My mom told me take that money, some of it is reimbursement for pain and suffering. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 5:50pm
This was something I fought so hard for, but now after it is done, I don't think I did the right thing. He has the kids three weekends out of the month, he needs to have a roof over his head and be able to feed and entertain them while they are there. He doesn't have the rent for this month because he had to give me $2500 to keep himself out of jail the other day.

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