Need some advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Need some advice please
2
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 3:30pm
hello,
this is my first post. I apologize in advance for it's length.
I am 32 years old and I have ahad anxiety issues since I was about 14. Those are fairly under control with medication.
My mom was diagnosised with Colon cancer in September 2000... she fought long and hard and lost her battle March 2004. It was devastating to lose her, I am the only child and we were very close. I miss her everyday, but that is not the source of my depression.
I have had many poor relationships in my life with men. I was involved with 2 back to back drug addicts ( I know... ) and then look time off to fight for my mom.. I spent 3 years researching, supporting and caring for her along with my dad, who btw has set a standard by which all other men will never measure up to.
Anyway... right after my mom passed away I met and started a relationship with a much older ( 52 ) man. He was very up front about having Bipolar disorder, I actually knew that because he is a local radio celebrity and it was highly public when he had his breakdown a few years back. The first couple of months were really great.. I thought it was such a relief to no longer have the head games like so many of the guys my age play... I knew he had been married 3 times.. but again it did not matter to me.
Long story short.. he began to unravel... he needed med changes and would not do it for such a long time.. then he did and he was better for a bit. The whole time he would tell me I was too good for him, he did not deserve me, he was worthless and so on... I thought that I could love all this self loathing out of him... I really did.. sort of like I thought I could love a cure for my mom... anyway.. last month things went down hill really quickly.. he changed his whole personality really.. was very mean to me.. very demanding.. said I needed to quit smoking.. it was a deal breaker ( btw I did .. I quit smoking and that may be the only positive there is to this whole story )
Anyway... we broke up.. and it has been very ugly.. he has been mean.. really mean. He was not able to function as a man if you know what I mean for the last 6 months of our relationship.. but now apparently he is fine.. he wanted to make sure I knew that he has moved on in that manner... he knew how I felt it was somehow my fault and I was so upset by the fact he was impotent.. at the time he said it was due to an injury he caused himself using NAIR...the more I think about it though.. the more I think it was related to the new meds. I have a feeling as well that he is off his meds..
But.. this isn't about him really.. its about me. I am so depressed now.. I feel like I failed.. I feel like I was not good enough for him to have stayed with, I feel like I was a pawn in his game...I don't understand why I tend to stay with these men who no self respecting woman ever would.... I mean seriously.. this man is a mental case... I carried him through so horrible times.. I stood by without judgement trying to help.. trying so hard for him to know he was lovable and that I loved him... and this is how he treats me.. he blames me.. he said something to the effect that I pressured him into being a better person than he could be? The thing is.. I am the one crying and so hurt. He is off " moving on " doing whatever he is doing and I am discarded like trash.
I don't know how to feel better about this.
Erica
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 12:26am

I'm sorry for your loss...I lost my mom awhile back to emphasema (sp?), but it still hurts.

Anyway, it is awful the way he is treating you. It says more about him than you & to me it sounds like he is in a lot of pain.

What helped me to get through some bad choices or rough relationships was going to a Codependents Anonymous meeting.

Also have you allowed yourself to truly grieve instead of finding comfort in a relationship. You have to be there for you & noone can give that to us.

Again, this is just my 2 cents. I know you are in a lot of pain over this man. He is "acting out" right now...it's more about him than you & he seems to be in a fog to not realize the support you provided. Perhaps he is just so embarrassed my his problem & needs to behave this way if he is a celebrity to "save face".

Focus on you & we are here to support you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 1:55am

>>But.. this isn't about him really.. >>its about me.

It IS about you! You are the most important person in your life at this VERY moment.

>>I am so depressed now.. I feel like I failed.. I feel like I was not good enough for him to have stayed with, I feel like I was a pawn in his game...

You WERE a pawn in his dumbass game! He'll get his in the longrun.

>>I don't understand why I tend to stay with these men who no self respecting woman ever would..

You stayed with these men becaue they felt safe at the time and now the suck ass!

When I left my dumbass husband and now am dating the most wonderful man on the planet, I realized, that I do not feel as safe with my now boyfriend as I did with my ex husband. But SAFE AS OM WHAT? I felt safe because he was a stupid tought guy who could kick anyone's ass that bothered me. But he'd kick my ass to if I bothered him.

My boyfriend now is EXACTLY the opposite. It took me about a year to finally realize that I really do deserve this man...

Good luck and I know you will get through this.