Is this a depression trait?
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Is this a depression trait?
| Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:40pm |
I have recently been involved in a very torturous and hurtful break up with someone who was diagnosised with Bipolar disorder.
This person is 20 years older than I am, he was married 3 times before and has had suicidal thoughts and made one serious attempt and one not so serious attempt at ending his life over the past 2 years. There were times in our relationship where I saw a great, kind man.. a man who so needed to be loved and appreciated and I did that.. I tried to get him to seek help, better meds, better counselling etc.
Long story short... he seemingly sabatoged us in late December... he started with that whole you are too good for me, I am worthless etc... I meaningfully and lovingly reassured him that he was better than this etc. I must confide that he had lost his sexual abilities about 2 months into our relationship and that weighed heavy on his mind.. honestly for the most part I was ok with it... I never made it an issue.
Anyway.. when things ended he became pretty mean and cruel.. mind you its all on email... not face to face ( charming huh? ) He says it;s my fault.. I killed it by pushing too hard... he also claims that now he is able to perform sexually and has moved on... he wishes no contact with me?????????
This is the same man who wanted to spend his life with me, said he loved me every day, bought me a diamond and made life time promises to me... is this typical depressive or bipolar behavior?
any hlep or suggestions would be so welcomes.. I am so dazed and confused.. I am trying to make sense of it and I just can't seem to get my head around it.
Erica
This person is 20 years older than I am, he was married 3 times before and has had suicidal thoughts and made one serious attempt and one not so serious attempt at ending his life over the past 2 years. There were times in our relationship where I saw a great, kind man.. a man who so needed to be loved and appreciated and I did that.. I tried to get him to seek help, better meds, better counselling etc.
Long story short... he seemingly sabatoged us in late December... he started with that whole you are too good for me, I am worthless etc... I meaningfully and lovingly reassured him that he was better than this etc. I must confide that he had lost his sexual abilities about 2 months into our relationship and that weighed heavy on his mind.. honestly for the most part I was ok with it... I never made it an issue.
Anyway.. when things ended he became pretty mean and cruel.. mind you its all on email... not face to face ( charming huh? ) He says it;s my fault.. I killed it by pushing too hard... he also claims that now he is able to perform sexually and has moved on... he wishes no contact with me?????????
This is the same man who wanted to spend his life with me, said he loved me every day, bought me a diamond and made life time promises to me... is this typical depressive or bipolar behavior?
any hlep or suggestions would be so welcomes.. I am so dazed and confused.. I am trying to make sense of it and I just can't seem to get my head around it.
Erica

((((Erica))) I wish I could say it was the depression or bi-polar...or something. But I genuinely believe it is the male species. My ex had no illness to blame things on. Though I do believe he is clinically depressed, he would never get treatment.
Here are a few things to realize. Many men who have not got illness have done to women what has happened to you. Men do these things. They are like faucets: hot/cold on/off.
Men put bandaids on dirty wounds, they cover up a sore and try and forget about it. It gets infected and they take off the bandage and think: "huh, how did that happen?" They place blame, "why didn't you tell me to clean it???" But then if you did tell them to clean it, they say: "don't tell me what to do!!!" And men say women are hard to figure out. *grumble*
Women look to heal. They look to clean the wound and tend to it. Women seek answers and to find ways to not do these things again. Men repeat mistakes and blame others for their character flaws and illness.
NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT!!!!! NONE!!!!
A few resources here at ivillage:
Breaking up is hard to do:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking
Mending broken hearts:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmendingbro
I am sure that we have plenty of people here who can relate, but if you want more specific stuff about breaking up or mending...by all means visit those wonderful boards.
Sorry if I got a little preach-y on you. But this topic hits close to home. I have been through a break-up where I was blamed and it was not my fault.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support Board
It seems to me, that maybe this guy was going through a tough time and you lovingly suggested that he get help. In other words, you made him face his problem, brought it to his attention. Most likely, he wanted to deny it. Who wouldn't? It can be a tragic situation, fighting with yourself, struggling with inner demons and whatnot.
Maybe you brought it to his attention more often than he could deal with and it made him feel different. People without mental illnesses can never understand the magnitude of its affects on every-day life and that can be even more depressing-realizing that you'll never be normal. At any rate, that might be where all the "you're too good for me" dialogue came from.
After your relationship ended, for whatever reason, he reached an "up" state. He wants to find an outside reason for his "down," so he blames you. Maybe now he can live in denial or whoever he's with has some form of illness also, makes him feel less different. It could just be a temporary manic state, which would explain the cruel messages. So, as hard as it might be, try not to take this too personally. I'm not sure if it's typical behavior, but it is somewhat predictable.
Erica,
Hi. I hope I can give you some comfort in what you are going through. I have recently experienced your same situation, except that I was the messed up person in the relationship dealing with depression/bipolar/suicidal attempts. My boyfriend did everything he could to try to help me, but most of the time there was nothing he could do to make me feel better, and that irritated him even more, he just wanted me to be happy and carefree, the way he is and the way I was when we met, but there was nothing he did that would help so that made our situation worse. I eventually told him I needed to be on my own, which I realize hurt him tremendously, but I don't know what else to do because, just like what your boyfriend said to you, I feel I do not deserve his love and seeing his disappointment of me on his face makes my depression worse. When we met I was going through a manic phase, I was a beautiful, carefree, life is great, party all night, sex all day. This manic phase and our amazing time together during this time caused me to quit my job because I thought it would impeed on our time together. Shortly after that I realized that I really needed my job for self-esteem, structure and financial security (I was a VERY successful manager at a software company). This realization, plus the fact that I suffer from OCD led me down the road to a deep deep depression which I have yet to recover from. He had to deal with this whole turmoil while his life was steady and same as always. I notice myself going through phases where I blame him for my mistakes, I blame him for having caused me to go through this, I blame him for making me adjust my life to his, but I know that none of this is his fault, it's my mental illness that makes me unable to lead a true adult relationship. I hope I can make you understand that mental illnesses are truely the worst mental torture that anyone can experience and being in a relationship when you are in the grips of depression/bipolar/OCD etc. is very difficult. Just be thankful that you do not have these illnesses and do not let his emotional drama affect you. I am sure there are a lot of men out there that would be thrilled to have such a loving, caring woman as yourself who would give so much to someone. It is sad for me to say this because I am the one that feels I will never deserve a true relationship because of my mental illnesses, but I know that my destiny is to recover from my illnesses before I can lead a true relationship, just as your ex needs to do the same.
Anyways, I hope that you will find happiness again with someone more your equal and that you do not take any of what happened with your ex personally. You are free to write me directly if you want more info on what goes on in the mind of a mentall ill person and I can try to give you more insite into what your ex was going through.
All the best,
LR
I don't think my heart is ready to give up on him like he is. I appreciate the insight.. I think that he too might have been in a amnic phase when i met him because I would never have known the extent of the disease at that time. It was lter.. and then he had a med change and it improved again...
It's strange to me.. he has a successful radio show that he does without fail everyday for 4 hours. He can put on the " happy face " or " clown face " as he calls it for that.
I thought for a long time then he was making a choince.. that he could turn it off for those 4 hours he could turn it off for longer... not true I know that now.
Question please...I never had a chance did I ? I was never going to fix him? I tried my best , gave him all kinds of resources.. but he did not take them.. I couldn't make him , the ball was always in his court. I feel like I wasn't worth the work in a way. I feel like it could have been something truly remarkable and I wanted to save him.
I don't want him to feel guilty.. I want him to know that I believe in hime and that this is not his fault but he has blocked me from his life right now.
Thanks for the inside look
Erica