Pushed to the Edge---possible triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Pushed to the Edge---possible triggers
8
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 10:13pm

Word of warning---I will probably be very whiny in this post!

Last week I was in an accident with my car.My neck and shoulder hurts and I have a lot of headaches. But the worse part has been that my panic attacks are back big time. It had been well over a year since I had had one. Driving has just become a big nightmare. I was managing tho and still going to work. Thursday we had a little ice and a lot of fog. I slid a tiny bit on ice and got upset. Then I got onto the interstate and couldn't see more than a car length in front of me. It was so terrible ---I can't even begin to describe it. I couldn't even find exits because I couldn't see the signs. I did finally manage to get off the interstate and got lost in the fog since I had no clue where I had gotten off at. Eventually I saw lights. Turned out to be a McDonald's. I pulled into the parking lot and called my husband. He had to come get me and take me the rest of the way to school. I was an hour and a half late. My husband spent some time telling me how stupid it was to be afraid to drive. Everyone has accidents you know. It wasn't really what I needed to hear.

Then today I was called into the principal's office. Fr.Dave was sitting there. I thought I must have really done something terrible. It turns out that due to the budget cuts---they are cutting the full time music program next year. Now, I decided months ago not to go back next year----but for some reason this still really upset me. My DH wants me to just quit now and not even finish out the year. I have been having such a hard time that I am really tempted to do just that---but I probably won't.

I spend a lot of time either having panic attacks or crying. Really mature of me. My pdoc happened to call as I was trying to drive home. My therapist had told him I was having trouble driving. He called in a prescription for Xanax. He has never let me have it before. I hope it helps.

Thanks for listening. I know I'm just kind of rambling. Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 10:29pm

(((((Debbie))))), you were in a bad accident -- OF COURSE you're afraid to drive!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 10:38pm
Thanks Mary. I am on a lot of different meds for the depression and such. The Xanax is suppose to help with the panic attacks. He gave me one in the hospital once when another patient had attacked a nurse and I got upset. It worked fast and was wonderful. I'm hoping it will be the same this time. Thanks again---'talk' to you soon. Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 5:19am

Dearest Debbie: IF I lived closer I would come and knock some sense into your husband! Back when I was in my early 20s, I was driving my car with my girlfriend in the passenger seat, I smelled something burning, I accused her of tossing her cigg butt out the window and that it had landed on the back seat again like before, she said NOT. So we stopped the car, both got out, she ran to ask some house to call the fire dept in the time she got back, like 2 minutes, the whole car was in flames so IF we both hadn't exited, one of us could have died, it happened that fast. (some loose wires behind the dash started it).

So then for MONTHS later every time I would drive a car, I was constantly putting my hand against the dash to see if it was HOT, so your reaction is so normal, and again, your dh is an IDIOT.

I never took xanax, but I know it works quick, and something you can take hit and miss, don't need it in your system daily to work. Alas it is addictive, but if you need it for now, go for it. Worry on the addiction aspect later.

So do you mean your job is totally gone or will be part time?

If totally gone, and you need to, leave now, or could you collect unemployment if you stick it out??

take care, sorry I didn't see this message yesterday but with dh not working, I have less time on the computer as he lives on it now. Take care, love, Josie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 8:22am

((((((Deb)))) Of course, you are tentative when you drive. It is like anything else, it takes time to heal. You will feel more comfortable in time. You are trying and you have every right to feel anxious.

I am sorry that your husband made you feel bad. Men don't get things like this. They seem to have on and off switches. Yick. When was the last time you approached him about getting couseling with you? It may be time to try again. He never seems very understanding of your issues. I remember that you said you have tried. BUT, maybe another try is in order. Even if it is a one time consult to talk with your doc (with you in the room) about communicating to a person with anxiety. Calling you stupid....not the best communication skills.

We are here for you sweetie. Sorry I did not get to your other post. I have been swamped.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 9:54am

Josie, Having a car catch fire would be terrifying. Especially such a freak thing like that! Thanks for the understanding of my 'skittishness'. (I think I just invented that word.)

I took Xanax once in the hospital when there had been a problem and I got upset. I do remember it worked very fast. My doctor never would give me more due to it being so addictive. I was really surprised that he gave me 30 this time! maybe he has given up on me and hopes I take them all at once!

My job will be gone as of the next school year. Our assisstant principal is a good friend of mine and plays the piano for me at mass. She came into my classroom after I had met with the principal to see if I was okay. She had just been told about the cut half an hour before my meeting. She is probably more upset than I was. Once she found out that I had not planned to come back anyway--she calmed down---but now she is worried that they are going to cut her to like part time assisstant principal and have her do music part time too. Thru some loop hole the school does not pay into unemployment. I wouldn't have taken it anyway since I never planned to go back.

I took my Xanax about an hour ago and I am hoping it kicks in soon---because I am really in a bad place at the moment.

Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 9:58am

Lisa, YOu're right --the majority of men don't get it --and worse---don't even try to get it! I gave up even asking my husband about more counseling a long time ago. I want him to talk with my doctor or therapist about my depression and why it doesn't respond to treatment---but it's just a closed book.

Hope you're feeling a bit better---from your roll call post--sounds like you have a busy couple of days ahead.
Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 10:52am

(((((Debbie))))), you didn't invent it -- "skittishness" is a real word.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 11:18am
Mary, Yes---I gave private lessons for years---quit for a year when I started teaching full time 4 years ago and then started in again the next year with girls from my school. presently I have 10 private students at school. I will lose them next year since it would be way to far for them to drive---and I have 4 private students here at home---actually 5 --I have a new one beginning next week. I use to take up to 20 girls--so that is what I will try to get for next year. I charge 15$ for a half hour --so it's not a bad way to earn some extra spending money. Plus----at school, if someone cancels--I just grade papers or work on lessons---at home I can put a load of laundry in or start dinner. It has always been a great source of income and I love doing it too!
Hope you get to go to your Superbowl Party. I amnot into football at all---so I'm hoping my DH will go to the party without me and I can stay home and read or watch a movie while I work on my baby blanket (yes---I'm on my 3rd just since Christmas!---my pattern much be an easier one than what you have. )
Debbie