depressed or just not happy?(triggers?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2002
depressed or just not happy?(triggers?)
4
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 3:33pm

and what's the difference? how do I know if I'm just not happy with my life right now or is this just the way I am? I feel like I've had some mild anxiety and possibly depression pretty much my whole life. I've always been an optimist and for the most part happy with things, but the older I get, it's changed a little. now my sister tells me that my mom is depressed and her doctor prescribed something but she won't take it. (I don't really talk to my mom as much as my sister does and certainly would never talk to her about personal stuff like that)

so anyway, after being unemployed all summer, I finally got a job making a lot less than I was before. background: I quit my old job to start a new career that didn't work out, which could have been the start of all of this. this new job is pretty stressful and because I wanted to ease into things, I chose to work part-time for the first 4 months. this week I started full-time because I need the money and let me tell you, it's so stressful! it's just work, come home, make dinner, tidy up, sleep, get up and do it again.

first of all, I get along with everybody, but at the same time I always feel like an outsider. I'm always the "different" one, the one who doesn't follow the norm with things...that's how I am and I don't want to change...but it's hard to ALWAYS be the weird one in the midst of people who all seem to share the same interests and opinions on things. for example, one girl in my office is pregnant and ALL people talk about is how cute she is and how awesome her husband is and they're SO lucky to have this baby and it's just so wonderful blah blah blah. well, I have no interest in having children and just don't get all excited when someone is pregnant. EVERYONE in my office has kids, so I'm the odd one out. people even give me weird looks when they find out I don't have any and don't want them! another thing...I'm getting married this spring and will be doing things in a VERY non-traditional way. I'm not religious at all, so we're getting married at the courthouse and then on another day will have a small party for mostly family and close friends. just a party. nothing girly or frilly or formal at all...we'll probably wear jeans to our wedding! I've never had girly frilly wedding fantasies at all. there's another thing that separates me from ALL of the people I'm around.

also, the other day at work I overheard two women talking about going shopping on our next payday...I thought they were inviting the whole office so I emailed the one woman and asked her what was going on. she made it clear that they "weren't inviting everyone", which made it clear they weren't inviting me. the stupid thing is, I don't even want to go shopping with them and actually have other plans that evening!!!! but it really bothered me to feel left out for some reason. what's my problem with that!?!? I'm pretty much a loner at work...I don't need to have a little buddy to pal around with at lunch every day, etc....I do my job, get along with people, and go home. it's just a job. so why did I get all upset after work, crying to my fiance that I don't think people like me!?!? ugh. it's frustrating.

why should I care? well, I don't care enough to start doing things that people expect me to do. but the thing is, I don't really have any friends here and in the 8 yrs I've lived in this city, have not found any good and lasting friendships. it's all been co-worker friendships that end when I leave that job. or I'll meet someone, we'll hang out for a while, and then I'll discover something weird about them or they'll become super-annoying and I drop them. or they move away and we just email. I do know that it really helps when you have friends who share your beliefs and lifestyle choices....but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to find anyone like that at all! really, I'll meet someone and we'll get along on the surface, but once I dig deeper I find out that we're so different that it wouldn't even make sense to continue.

do you think it could be just that I'm getting older (I'm 39) and am becoming more choosy about the people I'd spend my time with? maybe more set in my beliefs? I don't know. and I've tried anti-depressants prescribed by my doctor but those just made me feel weird, zombie-like, and emotionless, not to mention the sexual side-effects. so I take some herb stuff that does help a little, especially with PMS, but it doesn't seem like enough.

how can I learn to just be myself and get back to the strong, I-don't-care-if-you-like-me-this-is-how-I-am person that's lurking inside????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 3:53pm
Hey there. You sound a lot like me...the not-so-lasting friendships, the stress, feeling like an outsider, going home just to eat, sleep, wake up and go to work..We are also very different. Im a student so I work just a part-time job (22hrs per week). But it takes up my whole day. Im also shy so I have only a couple of friends who I never ever see. Its sad. I dont know which is your problem, but ask yourself: How long have you been feeling this way? Are you uninterested in things you used to be interested in? Maybe talking to a "professional" will help, or trying a different med, or maybe just trying out a new hobby like yoga class or something. I have the feeling that if you got a job you like better then your whole outlook will change at least a little bit. Try to hang in there and do things that make you feel happy. I hope Ive helped, and if not, then the least you will know is that youre not alone!
HUGS
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2002
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 4:47pm
you know, you're right...I DO seem to have lost interest in things I used to like. or just don't have the energy to persue things anymore. I used to love shopping and buying little nonsensical things I'd find. now I just think "oh, it'll just take up space in our apartment and then I'll end up throwing it away in two years". I love going to movies in the theater but we never seem to have time anymore. I love to read but only get a few minutes to read before falling asleep at night. I love music but don't listen enough...it goes on! plus, I'm out of shape now when I used to work out and feel good all the time. that's one thing I'm working on...exercise, because I know it makes me feel really good. I might talk to a professional when I get some health insurance...meanwhile, I'm going to try and get back into things I enjoy doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 7:58pm
Its great you seem to have answered some questions that help you realize what you need to do to feel better? Im not a professional but it does seem like a little lifestyle shift might do the trick, but if you still feel low then you know you can always go another step to take care of it too. I should listen to my own advice about lifestyle shift...its just that there isnt room for it, unless I cut my hours at work (but Im saving for our wedding/myself.etc) or drop out of school or something! Im really slow at it so thats what takes up all of my time. However I think..when I get out of this phase of my life I never want to feel so overwhelmed again. It helps me, so just thinking about our goals and dreams can help too! All the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 10:58pm

Wow spacepickle - nice name by the way :) - I could almost have written that exact same post. I don't know what to feel about my life either. I'm just not satisfied even though my job is okay. Like you I'm the one who feels always left out, never is included in out of work activities or gets invited to anything. I haven't formed friendships in years and the very few friends I have are all drifting away (moving, having babies). I'm married but not interested in having kids either and people seem to look at me funny for that.

I think you're right, maybe when we get older we get more choosy about people we want to hang out with. We're more mature, smarter and we want some interesting people to spend some time with and have good conversations. Hard to find, isn't it? I never seem to meet people these days with who I really 'click' even though I talk to some nice people where I work out. However the more I talk to them the more I realize I don't have that much in common with them. Maybe I should take more hobbies outside the house aside from my exercise.

I also was on antidepressants for a while and I found that 'zombie' feeling very frustrating, especially what those pills did to my libido. I stopped taking them gradually and seeing a therapist so it helped. I stopped seeing my therapist too because I was actually feeling better for a while but recently things have been getting worse, I have started crying for no reason again. So I'll maybe start seeing a therapist again. Are you seeing one? Maybe that could help. My last therapist suggested certain books for me to read but I don't find them that helpful. However maybe it would be different for you. I could give you some titles if you're interested.

I just can't say what's the difference between being depressed or just not happy... I also feel like I've been depressed for most of my life. I find it somewhat reassuring that some other people out there feel like they don't 'fit in'... hang in there.