my dad is sick- triggers
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| Sun, 02-06-2005 - 3:15am |
sometimes i feel like i have to save up for something i really need to post- all of your kindness and love is always so appreciated and i don't want to ask too much, so i wait sometimes until it seems important. so here it is- my dad is really sick rigth now. the doctor thought he might have had a stroke and said he needed to go to the hospital, but he wouldn't go. he has diabetes, muscular dystrophy, and high blood pressure. the other day he could barely move and couldn't walk and today his toes turned black and my mom told me that he might lose his feet soon- he already has trouble walking, but it's all he is really living for i feel like. he is only 61, but he has so many health problems and doesn't take care of them and he always keeps going no matter how sick he is- but he hasn't been able to get out of bed for days.
as many of you know, my dad was abusive to me growing up and that has been blamed for most of my "issues"- a few months ago, he was in town and spent time with me and was a completely different person (he has a nice side every once in a while, but this was the nicest ever and hasn't stopped since)- i felt a mix between the fact that i finally had the dad that i always wanted (he even started telling me he loves me) and realizing that this may mean he knows he doesn't have much time left. he is so young, and i am finally getting to know my dad and feel like i have a father who cares about me. it is so hard to think about losing him. it's weird.
and on sort of a different topic- i feel like i have such a mixture of emotions in my life right now. i am so sad about some things and yet so happy about others. i think i have been very naive in my life and i am finally seeing some really bad things for how they are. i know that is probably a good thing, but it isn't fun. (example: tonight i watched a man cheat on his wife then talk about their child a few minutes later) i have had such chaos around me and i just don't know what to make of anything right now. it's like i don't know what's real, what is good, or what to do with my life. and through it all, there is a semblance of happiness if that makes any sense. it's late so i am rambling, so i will stop now and go to sleep. thanks so much for listening.

((((((((((((Vg))))))))))))))))))
Sending healing thoughts and angels to help your dad.
*hugs