ashamed of myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2005
ashamed of myself
3
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 7:48pm
things have been really tough for me lately. i have been really
stressed out. dont have anyone to talk to about it. one friend i
would is never home and doesnt return phone calls, but she hasnt
retuned a single phone call to anyone in the 8 years i have known her
so that is no big suprise. and whenever i telll this fried how i am
feeling i feel guilty and selfishbecause we are talking about me.
most of the time we talk about her or other things. the other one is
working so much and works opposite hours than i do that i havent been
able to get ahold of her. things just keep going wrong for me. it
got to me last night that i cut myslef on the stomach. i hadnt cut
for over 3 months. i feel bad that i did cut and trying to keep my
mind on other things so i dont but again. i feel ashamed that i
cut. no one knows that i cut myself. i havent ever told anyone. i
dont know how to deal with all the stress that is going on. i went to see the dr last week because i was having trouble breathing. which he told me there was no reason he could find that i was having trouble breathing. this is the dr i had saw before to get on depression meds and he never mentioned anything about that as he was reading my file and i chickened out so i didnt ask him about getting on more meds. he just told me to come back if i started throwing up or something like that. i dont know where to turn.
Avatar for wrgrossman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 10:07pm
well, this is not a bad start as far as finding a place to turn. even if all of us are at least a little mentally unstable {sorry, bad joke}. sometimes you just need to talk to someone who gets it. we don't judge people for being slightly nuts because most of us are to. as far as actual advice. you need to find a dr, or coucelor you can talk to , that will listen, and then you need to be honest. tell them everything. they can't help if you aren't honest about what is wrong. i know this probably seems like a rediculously difficult thing to do, and in all honesty it is, but it is also necesary. as far as feeling guilty. i can totally relate to that. i feel ashamed for feeling so sorry for myself when i know there are alot of people out there much worse off. unfortunately, knowing that and being able to do something about it are two entirely difforent things. i have one friend that i met after i started getting realy bad. she has no problems with depression, and yet she understands. or maybe she dosen't understand, but she knows i am like this, and she accepts it. she knows i get sad for no reason, and unlike most people she never makes me feel bad about it. she lets me cry on her shoulder, if i need to. no questions asked. if i can't seem to get out of bed, she watches my kids, if i am overwhelmed she helps me do whatever it is that needs doing. and probably most importantly, when i feel worthless she reminds me that dispite my illness, i am strong. see, i may fall apart at the seams over little things, but it is the illness that makes the little things seem so bad, and i keep going dispite that. my one regret about our relationship is that i will never support her as she dose me, but then again, thank god she dosen't need that kind of support. i am lucky to have her, but for along time i didn't have a friend either. i understand what it is to feel so alone. most of us here do. we may not be able to come over and help you at a momments notice, but all you need to do to find a friend is get on the computer. we are always here.
i have never had a problem with cutting myself, and i am sure it is not exactly the same thing, but some times i am so numb, i want to feel something so badly that i don't much care what it is, i pick fights with my husband, or scrub the counter untill my fingers bleed. i do that when i am mad too. i just let the rage drive me, and i try to do something constructive with it like clean or write. and if it takes all night, and my fingers bleed, or my pencil breaks a hundred times because i push it trough the paper, or i scrub the paint off the furniture, well so be it. i have nearly ruined my marridge a number of times because of picking fights. i just can't stop it though. i just need to snap and scream, and my poor husband whoose only crime is loveing me gets the brunt of it. because i trust him to love me anyway. i am sorry i am rambling. i am kind of haveing a rough day, my mind is moveing to fast i can't keep up. i can't focus. so here is my attempt at a bottom line. find a dr you can talk to. tell him the truth, and hang in there. you are not alone. love and prayers. god bless. Becky

 


Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 7:39am

Hi Hun,


Its ok, you don't have to be ashamed.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:47am

Tricia,

I remember times in my life when depression and stress made me so overwhelmed that I had no idea of where to turn. Believe me, everyone on this board understands your situation. You are NOT ALONE. Please try and find help from a doctor. This is very important. DO NOT be ashamed to share your problems. The doctor will not be in the least bit shocked. DOCTORS hear and see everything. I am quite certain doctors hear far worse and bizarre things from patients that what you suffer from.

I also suggest posting on the board. Even if you have to do it every day. This will help you feel less alone. Post on the self injury board. Write in a journal. Just remember, you can get better. I am a living example of that.

Lots of hugs.

S.