ashamed of myself
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ashamed of myself
| Sun, 02-06-2005 - 7:48pm |
things have been really tough for me lately. i have been really
stressed out. dont have anyone to talk to about it. one friend i
would is never home and doesnt return phone calls, but she hasnt
retuned a single phone call to anyone in the 8 years i have known her
so that is no big suprise. and whenever i telll this fried how i am
feeling i feel guilty and selfishbecause we are talking about me.
most of the time we talk about her or other things. the other one is
working so much and works opposite hours than i do that i havent been
able to get ahold of her. things just keep going wrong for me. it
got to me last night that i cut myslef on the stomach. i hadnt cut
for over 3 months. i feel bad that i did cut and trying to keep my
mind on other things so i dont but again. i feel ashamed that i
cut. no one knows that i cut myself. i havent ever told anyone. i
dont know how to deal with all the stress that is going on. i went to see the dr last week because i was having trouble breathing. which he told me there was no reason he could find that i was having trouble breathing. this is the dr i had saw before to get on depression meds and he never mentioned anything about that as he was reading my file and i chickened out so i didnt ask him about getting on more meds. he just told me to come back if i started throwing up or something like that. i dont know where to turn.
stressed out. dont have anyone to talk to about it. one friend i
would is never home and doesnt return phone calls, but she hasnt
retuned a single phone call to anyone in the 8 years i have known her
so that is no big suprise. and whenever i telll this fried how i am
feeling i feel guilty and selfishbecause we are talking about me.
most of the time we talk about her or other things. the other one is
working so much and works opposite hours than i do that i havent been
able to get ahold of her. things just keep going wrong for me. it
got to me last night that i cut myslef on the stomach. i hadnt cut
for over 3 months. i feel bad that i did cut and trying to keep my
mind on other things so i dont but again. i feel ashamed that i
cut. no one knows that i cut myself. i havent ever told anyone. i
dont know how to deal with all the stress that is going on. i went to see the dr last week because i was having trouble breathing. which he told me there was no reason he could find that i was having trouble breathing. this is the dr i had saw before to get on depression meds and he never mentioned anything about that as he was reading my file and i chickened out so i didnt ask him about getting on more meds. he just told me to come back if i started throwing up or something like that. i dont know where to turn.

i have never had a problem with cutting myself, and i am sure it is not exactly the same thing, but some times i am so numb, i want to feel something so badly that i don't much care what it is, i pick fights with my husband, or scrub the counter untill my fingers bleed. i do that when i am mad too. i just let the rage drive me, and i try to do something constructive with it like clean or write. and if it takes all night, and my fingers bleed, or my pencil breaks a hundred times because i push it trough the paper, or i scrub the paint off the furniture, well so be it. i have nearly ruined my marridge a number of times because of picking fights. i just can't stop it though. i just need to snap and scream, and my poor husband whoose only crime is loveing me gets the brunt of it. because i trust him to love me anyway. i am sorry i am rambling. i am kind of haveing a rough day, my mind is moveing to fast i can't keep up. i can't focus. so here is my attempt at a bottom line. find a dr you can talk to. tell him the truth, and hang in there. you are not alone. love and prayers. god bless. Becky
Hi Hun,
Its ok, you don't have to be ashamed.
*hugs
Tricia,
I remember times in my life when depression and stress made me so overwhelmed that I had no idea of where to turn. Believe me, everyone on this board understands your situation. You are NOT ALONE. Please try and find help from a doctor. This is very important. DO NOT be ashamed to share your problems. The doctor will not be in the least bit shocked. DOCTORS hear and see everything. I am quite certain doctors hear far worse and bizarre things from patients that what you suffer from.
I also suggest posting on the board. Even if you have to do it every day. This will help you feel less alone. Post on the self injury board. Write in a journal. Just remember, you can get better. I am a living example of that.
Lots of hugs.
S.