Another plea for guidance...
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| Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:23pm |
Hello,
I am 31 years old, and I have a lot of things in my life to be happy about; I really do! I should be having the best time of my life right now!
But--I am still battling all of these crazy emotional things, and I do not know what to do, where to turn... and I sometimes feel like I am going crazy. A little info about my life (not to "boo hoo" you, but so you know my history):
I am the oldest of three children. My dad is a Vietnam Vet who had a bad relationship with his abusive, alcoholic father. My mom also had an alcoholic father and was raised in a very ethnic household where she was mentally/emotionally humiliated for most of her life until she met my dad and got married. I am blessed that my parents have "weathered the storm" and are happily married. Although I love my parents and have forgiven the for their past behaviours, I had a rough childhood (didn't we all?) They are recovering alcoholics (both of them) and they also did drugs (I think my dad picked this up in Nam). I was physically and emotionally abused as a child and young adult (up until I was 20). I was a chubby kid, was awkward, was picked on constantly by my peers, and lived in fear of my mother (she was very very vicious and violent to me) until I moved out of the house. I had to put my mom in rehab and deal with her alcoholism mainly by myself when I started college because my dad was an addict and my family was dysfunctional. I was married before (to an alcoholic)and I hated him by the time I left him. I am now in a very loving wonderful relationship with a man I am marrying in April. I am college educated, have my MA, and live a fulfilling life, nice job, house, man...etc. I have no kids, and I also have a good relationship with my parents.
Ok-- so there is my past in a nutshell... It is a BIG nutshell! *lol*
Now, my problem is that there is something emotionally wrong with me, and I have been battling this for the last 10 years. I have mood swings that are atrocious. I don't like people much of the time... I am mean, irritable, crying fits constantly. I like being alone and am not very social. The man I love the most in life I often treat horribly; I'm surprised he deals with me because I act like a horror-- I am humiliated later once my "fit" is over. I feel like I can not control myself. I will cry for hours and feel like I hate myself... at these times I do not want to get out of bed. One time I cut off much of my hair during one of these fits. I am either tired or sleepless. My libido will come and go... right now it is gone and has been bye-bye for a few months (and I am very much attracted to my man). I worry about everything to the point of compulsion. I wanted to tell myself it is hormonal, but it comes in phases, and has been going on for years. I've been in therapy to "talk" and was once given Prozac (I was 23) and it made me manic.
I am at my wits end. I HATE feeling like this. I want to be happy; sometimes I am-- but I am anxious, worried and depressed a majority of the time, even when I try not to be. The times when I AM happy--it feels so good!
I have thought about trying meds now because it is getting worse. There are some reasons why meds scare me, among others--the Prozac made me gain weight, and I had NO--absolutely no sex drive, at all. I felt manic... like there were bugs in my head; I could not think properly, and I had trouble sleeping. The doctor gave me Xanax too... I am afraid to try meds, but the Effexor or Wellbutrin look almost ok.
Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks so much for reading...

Wow, are you a survivor or what? I have to hand it to you, you have come a long way and I am, so happy that you have found someone who is supportive and loving for you! I have an idea though and this comes from experience, is it possible that you need some medication tto "even out" your mood rather than to lift it up? it sounds more like a mood disorder with depression and mania rather than depression. If anti-depressants make you manic, this is a good sign, ask a psychiatrist about a "mood stabilizer" rather than an anti-depressant, something like depakote or there are other ones that have less side effects, tmaybe this will help, the mania and irritability give it away for me, hope this helps...
((((((((((((((((((Ottergirl25)))))))))))))))))))))
What you describe to me sounds much like what my DD goes through, she is bi-polar (or manic depressive as it was once called) and we have her take two meds depakote to stabilize her mood and abilify to deal with the anxiety and depression side of things.
Thank you-- all of you, so much for your responses. I have to tell you--I have never ever thought about the possibility of manic depression... I have always focused on the depression aspect, never realizing that I am more vicious, mean and irritable when I am "manic."
I have been doing some reading since yesterday, and WHOA-- I recognize many of the things I am reading; I do have months where I can not GET enough sleep, then others when I can NOT sleep--and I almost work better on 3 hours of sleep-- my weight fluctuates during these times--and when I am on a "high" I tend to loose weight. I have tons of ideas in my head; I am ultra-creative, but sometimes to the point of distraction. I feel beautiful and *embarrassingly* kinda flirty (which is not like me). I talk a LOT and am more social. THEN-- I will shoft back to my "moodiness" and sadness. I have NO motivation to do anything... I cry and feel fat, ugly and unsociable. I do not want to go out, and my sex drive disappeares.
I really do hate this! I was on birth control off and on for years, and last year I stopped taking it altogether because I was worried some of my symptoms were due to the hormones. But it has been a year and I am still all screwed up!
I thank you for your advice once again! I feel a little less out of control now that I have an idea what might be wrong with me; "depression" has just never felt like the right label for it!