The new stepmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
The new stepmom
9
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 6:39pm

I've been having an awful time dealing with something lately. My ex got remarried. The new stepmom is someone I just can't understand. She is working very hard at being my replacement. She enjoys having my kids over as much as possible. She is a stay at home mom with two kids that are my kids ages. She watches the kids as the ex comes and goes on the weekend. (I can't do anything about it since I work sat and sun while they are over there.)

Her daughter and my daughter are best friends, which is making this situation EXTREMELY difficult. The kids don't want to come home from their house. When the kids are with me they are constantly saying they want to go over there. I can't even enjoy things here anymore. I am constantly hearing about how their stepmom does everything better than I do. They prefer the stepmom to take them places, etc.

She really needs to get her own life. If it wasn't for her, my ex wouldn't even take the kids for the weekend, he couldn't come and go as he pleased. I'm just thinking what is wrong with this woman feeling like she has to compete with me. I'm wondering if this will ever get old for her. I couldn't imagine having 2 extra kids in the house all weekend. The kids call her mom (although I know she doesn't encourage that) and they have formed a close bond with her.

I've been really torn up about this. I don't have my kids with me a big chunk of the time and now this woman is coming into the picture and has made things worse for me.

This is a relative new relationship. Do you think she will eventually get tired of all this?

Avatar for wrgrossman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: jodyannrn
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 8:32pm

i know you probably don't want to hear this, but look at it this way, at least she loves your kids. before my ex gave up his parental rights my daugter maggie still had to go there for visitation. his new wife hated haveing her there. she complained constantly about how maggie was terrible and she couldn't stand her. right in front of maggie. how do you think that made my little girl feel? his new wife also abused her. beat her, screamed at her. called her names. like little b*#ch. maggie was 2 at the time for god sakes. my point is it could be much worse.

here is one more point of view for you. i have my step son half the time. between his 4 parents he is with one of us almost all the time. his mom and i are actually pretty good friends. we laugh about how we always seem to be in competitions that we never even entered. the other day we were talking about how while i have her beat hands down for makeing eggs, she is apparently takeing the pancake catagory by a land slide. she once told me how glad she is that i am billy's step mom. she said she dosen't have to worry when he is with me because she knows i love him, and that i will take care of him. this is not to say that we always agree. we are very difforent people. she is a career woman who would not feel whole with out working. i can respect that. i am a real estate agent, but only because i have to have a job, and it was the only one i could find where i could do most of my work from home, and make my own hours the rest of the time. i would much rather be home with the kids. and she respects that. more importantly than how we feel about eachother is how we feel about billy. billy told us that he felt so lucky to have a mommy and a bubba{his step dad} and a daddy and a becky to love him when most of his friends only have one parent. i am very disorganized, and his mom is a neet freak. my husband lets him get away with everything, and his step dad runs the house like he dose the prison where he is a guard{like a drill seargent} our house is very unscheduled,and relaxed, theirs is just the opposite. all of us choose to believe that billy's life will be enriched by the new larger family that we have become. even if it is alittle odd, we are bound togeather by our love of one wonderful little boy. and i hope he will look back later and know that he is lucky to have so many people love him so much. enough to overcome alot of difforences, not to mention hurt feelings, and broken hearts.

in short, try to put aside difforences, don't be sucked into the competition, pray the new wife dosen't "get sick" of careing for your kids, and know that no matter how it affects you, your kids are lucky to have 2 good moms to love and care for them. you are their mother you can not be repaced. what you can do is accept that if your kids can't be with you at least they are with someone else who cares about them.
Becky

 


Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 8:15am

So how often do you have your stepson? My kids are gone almost every weekend and most holidays. I really resent that I'm losing out on that time with them due to the ex. All I ever wanted to be after my first daughter was born was to be a stay at home mom. Now I will never get that chance. It burns me that this new woman comes in to his life and he lets her stay home and be with her kids full time and my kids half the time while I'm at work.

The new stepmom and I are able to be civil with each other when we have to. It is a very deep set resentment I have about this though. I can never forgive him. I'm missing out on a big chunk of the kids lives.

Avatar for wrgrossman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: jodyannrn
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 11:57am
i have my step son exactly half of the time. mon. tues. and everyothert wednesday, plus friday night and sat. morning. you don't have to give up on ever being a stay at home mom. maybe you will get remarried someday. you never know.

 


Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 12:18pm
Wow, I thought my kids schedule was confusing.:) How does he do with that. I noticed when my kids come back to me there is always a period of adjustment time they go through. Thank you for your response. I know I need to look at things differently.
Avatar for wrgrossman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: jodyannrn
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 6:10pm
jody, i hope you realize i wasn't trying to be a jerk. i just wanted to give you a different point of view. some times all i need is a new way to look at things in order to get myself to where i can deal with things a little better. i also wanted you to know that it can be done. it took a little work to get to this point, but i think that billy is really better off now. i am not trying to belittle your feelings. it is not easy at first i know, but it is worth it. when ever we have a disagreement between the parents, we make sure to remember that what is best for billy is the most important thing. we do not argue with his other parents in front of him. if something needs to be discussed, we make sure to do it at a restaraunt, or when the kids are at school. that way if one of us loses our temper he dosen't hear it. we try to have a unified front whenever possible so as not to confuse him or undermine the other parent's athority. much the same as each of us do with the other kids in our seperate households. the schedule billy has this year was alittle harder to get working than last year when he got off the bus at our house every day. but he did fine after the first few weeks. now he only has to be reminded on wed. mornings whoose turn it is so he will be sure to be on the right bus.mon tues and everyother wed he gets off the bus at our house. i take him home at bedtime when his step dad gets home from work.he goes to school from his moms. she works second shift and only gets to see him in the morning on those days. she has thurs. off, so he goes there on the bus. he spends the night on friday, and she has sat. night off, so we take him home at noon, and he spends sat and sun night there. it works out pretty fair this way. loast year she only had sunday off so he was at our house day and night the other six days. easier for him to remember, but harder on her. this year works much better. if one family has plans to do something togeather we just switch. and on holidays we try to plan family dinners and such so billy gets to participate in all of them he usually has to leave one of the four family functions about a half hour early. other than that we are set. hope things all work out ok for you. prayers and god bless. Becky

 


Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 8:47pm
Oh I know you weren't trying to be a "jerk", lol. I didn't take any offense at all. See the thing is, I really don't see her as a parent. I don't see us as a "united front" either. Her and the ex don't have that mindset. They try to compete and alienate the kids from me. I am hoping things will change. My ex is abusive, one day he will eventually start treating her the same way he treated me and she will leave him. The only reason he sees the kids so often is because she enables him. He comes and goes as he pleases while he has them.
Avatar for wrgrossman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: jodyannrn
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 8:54pm
now that sounds a little more like my ex husband. i am so glad that he gave maggie up. she dosen't remember him and my new hubby adopted her. of course we will tell her when she is old enough to understand, but for now, she has a daddy, and he loves her very much

 


Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 8:54pm
P.S. It helped to get another person's perspective on things. Thank you for responding. Jody
Avatar for wrgrossman
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: jodyannrn
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 10:22pm
any time jody. thanks for listening, and nice to meet you. god bless

 


Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us