Not a good week

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Not a good week
2
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 11:20pm

This week has not been a good week. You can tell because its only just 8am and I am already eating chocolate. I'm not even out of my pajamas and I've already fought with the kids.

It started with me picking up dd1's cold, after she kindly shared it around the family. Instead of it being over in two days, I just got worse and worse, and the worse I felt the more down I felt. I had good periods, I did. I just kept feeling more and more down (which is why I have been posting less and less this week).

Then I had a minor stress. I managed to get my dates all muddled when arranging the mum's coffee morning (I am home room mum for dd1's class and we try to have all sorts of activities, including stuff for the mums) and ended up sending them 3 e-mails in one day, each with different info on it, including incorrect info about the school being closed on the wrong day for the Islamic new year. I screwed up big time. I think I've sorted it out, but it stresses me, especially since one of the other (perfect-type) mums jokingly said they should fire me as the home room mum. Plus dd1 had a playdate and a party on Tuesday afternoon, and I was feeling really lousy, and so was dd2. At the party, dd1 cried because a boy hit her in the face with a balloon, and dd2 cried nearly all the time. It was a badly organised, very noisy, too many kids type party. Or at least it felt that way to me.

I can always tell when I am getting close to freak out level, because I start complaining about "too much" of stuff. Too much noise. Too many colours on the TV (seriously). Too much washing. Too much of just about everything. And I felt rotten anyway because of the cold/virus that I had.

I spent nearly all of the day sleeping yesterday. Never mind that I am not sleeping at night again now anyway. I only got up to eat and attempt to be sociable. WHich wasn't very successful because I ended up yelling at dh over nothing, and being mean to him. I often am. I don't know how he puts up with me, because he does so much in terms of helping me with the kids, the housework and the cooking. And then I get all guilty about it and start shouting at him. NOt really fair is it?

And then this morning, dd1 started on her weepy act. Basically when she can't get her own way, she does this half weepy half naggy thing and it drives me mad. And she then wont share and is just not a nice kid. She went on and on and on and eventually I gave her a smack. And not a little one either. I smacked her so hard I left a red mark on her leg.

So now I feel like a lousy mom and a child abuser on top of everything else. Nothing I do seems to work out right. And here I was at the start of the week feeling positive enough to look for work. I can't even keep my house straight and I think I can hold down a job?

NOt on your life.

I'm just feeling like such a failure today. All I want to do is go back to bed, and stay there forever. But dh is working today, so I have to drag myself up, and make sure things get done. That the kids get fed. That the house stays moderately clean. And that I stay moderately sane.

And if by 8am I had already lost it once, how the hell am I going to manage the whole day?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
In reply to: mouselet
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:02am

Well I appear to have made it through the day. So far anyway. Without losing it again, and without losing my temper at the kids.

I just wonder sometimes what would happen if I can't hang on anymore. What happens if I just give up trying. What happens then? Sometimes its so hard to keep it together, and sometimes the only reason I am able to keep it together is for fear of what it would do to my kids to see me lose it. They've seen me come very very close. What happens if I just can't anymore? Can't force myself to make it through another day.

Despite what I just posted I am actually feeling marginally better than I did this morning. But only marginally.

I've had nonstop palpatations all day. Nonstop worrying about things I can't change. I feel sometimes that my life is beyond my control. I don't make it happen, it happens to me. Which makes me a victim of my own life. And I don't want to be a victim.

I want to be normal. I want to not have to worry about putting on false face and making it through the day. I don't want to be like this anymore. I hate it.

What happens if it never goes away. What if I am always like this? I don't think I could stand it.

I just want to be normal. And not so damn tired of everything. Just normal. Not like a washed up old dishrag who complains all the time. Normal. With normal reactions. Just not like this anymore. I cannot take it, I cannot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
In reply to: mouselet
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:04am

(((((Mouse))))), I'm sorry things are going so badly for you right now.