Will it ever get better?
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| Fri, 02-11-2005 - 11:55am |
My luck (and my bf's luck) is awful. I'm surprised we haven't been hit by a mac truck while even thinking about going outside-but our luck isn't that good. :(
I just don't understnad how some people have such great luck and others have piss poor luck. Is it a curse from God or something? Every single time I think I'm getting better, not being as depressed as I usually am, something comes and chokes me back down to just wanting to die, again.
I want a job but have such severe anxiety that I find it hard to go out in public. I actually managed to eat in a restaraunt with my bf and his brother, gf the other night and it had been at least a year since I last went out like that. I was miserable the entire time and just wanted to hide under the table. Talking to people is out of the question. I don't know what to do. I cannot afford to go to the stupid doctor. I've been before and told him all of this but he doesn't listen to me. It is a county/state run (not sure which one it is) clinic and I cannot even afford that!
If I can't go to the doctor then I can't get ssdi (or ssi, whichever it is called) so I'm screwed ever single way that I can possibly get screwed. No job=no money=eventual eviction. Why on earth am I here? I should be dead by now.
The only luck I could have is if a plane landed on my head.
Sorry for the rant. Sometimes someone needs one every once and a while.
Kelly

Kelly, your post reminded me of so many of my own diary entries, so I am very sympathetic to your pain. I'm confused why you feel your doctor won't listen to you, however. Did you tell him/her you have suicidal thoughts? That should get his/her attention and get you a referral to a therapist pronto, which I would highly, highly recommend. Even if you have to borrow money from someone to do it, do it! This is your life we are talking about. Although I know how you might feel right about now, like you don't care even about that. Oh honey, I am sitting here re-living it all right along with you. I wish I could give you a magical instant cure, but I can't. It took me decades to get through what you're going through. If it helps at all, here are some of the little things that helped me...
Think baby steps. If you have to go out, don't start thinking about the whole night out - but break it down into little steps, like shower - style hair - lipstick - drive - order food, etc. Same thing with a job - don't think about "getting a job" (that's way too overwhelming!) but break it down into little things like write resume - spend 30 minutes/day looking at ads - write cover letter, etc.
When I was jobless and having panic attacks, I started thinking of my jobless state as time spent at the University of Me, and I'd break up my days into hours, like classes. You know, like M-T-W in the mornings I'd have gym (exercise), then art, then music appreciation, then culinary practice, etc. etc. Then I didn't feel so worthless - and maybe God intended me to have that time to really figure myself out so I could make the right life decisions later.
Also, keep in mind: Negative thoughts = negative life. You've got to TRAIN your mind to remember this, because like me, you are probably used to thinking negatively (like in terms of bad luck). Come up with a list of happy things and FORCE yourself to think about those things when you get down. I went out to walmart and bought a bright 50 cent folder to stash pictures from magazines, articles, photos, and anything else that I found myself smiling or laughing at on good days. It's not a cure, but it helps!
Anyway, sorry so long. I hope some of this helped. I'll be thinking of you!
Susan