emotionally stupid (trigger?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
emotionally stupid (trigger?)
2
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 7:39pm
I'm glad i came across these boards, I know now that I'm not the only one in pain. My misery at this moment is better, but I can't forget the anxiety I felt last night, which made me, for the first time in my life, empty half a bottle of vodka by myself. Oh, what a nightmare it was, I couldn’t breathe, i couldn't stop pacing around and hitting and scratching walls, and the actual physical pain that I felt in my chest made me to hurt myself in other places so it would take away from it. All because I got rejected by someone i liked. How silly it sounds compare to real problems some of you facing here, but that's why I am here-i am emotionally dumb. Over 30, lazy as a fat cat on a porch because i am unhappy. I have a mental block that stops me from doing anything, and although i try everyday to get started, i take a cigarette and I am done. It is a block and not a personal trait-I used to be highly energetic and positive person. I suspect strongly it has something to do with men. Just joking. It has everything to do with men! I'm separated after 12 years of marriage (it just died for both of us) and I live in Manhattan-enough sad. Did you watch Sex and the city? It scares me to see all my friends single and trying so hard to find one men! I don't want to be that desperate, but i just faced the fact again that i am.
I wont believe that women can be truly happy without men, it's not in the original blueprint. So in order to hide that i am desperate for love and affection i behave as I am very strong and don't give a damn. Which always works in the beginning, but later on, when i start showing my feelings even in the slightest, men think that I become needy, because they were originally attracted to a powerhouse which i am not. Add to that the fact that I am only attracted to good-looking men, have the worst cellulite on my size 4 body, and have had a Hollywood-worthy long term love that raised the bar to unreachable expectations from romance. With this behavior, which i can't change just as much as I am right-handed, my chances are nil. That's why I am emotionally stupid, ignorant, ruining my own chances to be happy, clinically depressed and I am thinking how it would be if it all end, just thinking though.
I have hobbies, I am an accomplished artist, so that could not be the solution to become happy and solid, but I am from another country, so I don't have family or a lot of friends here. I can't cope with this loneliness and can't face yet another anxiety attack or seek solutions in the bottle. Is it possible for me to wise up when I am so inflexible in what I want? Is there anything one can do to control emotions without the meds or doctors?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 3:33pm

Hi Stasky,

I hear you. It is very difficult to get motivation when one is feeling so down. Just take it one day at a time. Have you thought about getting into some sort of therapy or counseling to help you deal with your emotions???

>>>I wont believe that women can be truly happy without men, it's not in the original blueprint<<<

I believe that women can be truly happy with or without a man, but first a woman needs to be happy with herself. A man won't change that. You have to find that happiness within yourself, and it is possible. Stay strong and I hope the best for you.

Brightest Blessings,
Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 9:52am
Hi Stasky. I understand where you are coming from. My problem is also with men. I start having wonderful conversations online then we meet, then I never hear from them again. I feel so rejected and I get depressed. Lucky for me, I am able to bring myself out of it after awhile. We don't need men to be happy, but we want someone to share our lives with. For me, being with my soulmate and sharing our lives would bring me ultimate happiness. Best wishes. Take care.