This is me (triggers!!!) - Long post

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
This is me (triggers!!!) - Long post
7
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 7:45am

I've never actually shared much about the causes of my depression. I have mentioned my miscarriage and the cancer scare, as well as my big move from one country to another. Those two were definite triggers for pushing me over the edge. My doc feels it was more the move than anything else, but for me, it was just the last straw.

I personally feel that the roots of my depression lie, like so many of us, in my childhood. My father's name is Thomas, which I discovered recently means "twin." And that describes how my father is. Two persons. The loving, supportive father, always there when you need him, adored by his grandkids, hard working, provider, handyman. The part of him that I love. Then there is the other side. The violent, ugly, cheating bastard that still gives me nightmares, even though I am now 31. Because everynow and then my father would lose it and beat my mother - broken jaw, burst eardrum, bruises, broken spirit. And plenty of broken furniture, windows, flying food etc etc. He once beat up my older sister too. Some of the memories I carry are just to scary to even type because not only would I trigger many of you, I'd trigger me too. My parents recently "celebrated" their 39th wedding anniversary. A farce really, because apart from the violence, he has spent at more than half of those cheating on my mother with another woman. My mother knows obviously but is no longer emotionally capable of doing anything about it. In fact, this peculiar trio actually run a shop together nowadays. And my father apparently has also been violent with the other woman too. Yet they are both still with him.

About 3 or 4 years ago, my father ended up with 3rd degree burns on his feet as a result of an accident with a kitchen oil fire. It was purely accidental. But the event set off such a chain of memories for me and my sisters. Although an accident, the event reminded all three of us of exactly the same incident of violence that happened when we were children. And for the first time in our lives, we three girls actually discussed the violent part of our childhood.

Not long after that my erratic mood swings began. We put it down to the pill, changing hormones (it was about a year after the birth of my older daughter) and the fact that my dh himself was taking a lot of strain in an absolutely terrible job. We struggled financially somewhat but coped. We had numerous incidents at home during the first few years of our marriage as well - from being attacked at home by would-be burglars, to household crises, a major back injury for my dh and car breakdowns. Then we decided to try for baby no 2, and battled. During this time, my dh changed jobs, and started working in other countries - we'd spend 6 weeks apart, then 3 weeks together. In the middle of this I was diagnosed with HPV and had to put a hold on trying for a baby. Then my dh had his second major back accident - this time while he was working in another country and it was in the middle of nowhere in Namibia and he had to be flown out. He wasn't able to work for a long time, and finally got a good paying contract in Mozambique. I found out the day before he left that I was pg with dd2. He was gone nearly 3 months. During this time I ended up in hospital with hyperemesis, then had a near miscarriage then they found a cyst on my placenta. He came home and was without work again for a month or so. He finally got a decent job, but it wasn't doing what he wanted - it was office work and he hated it. In the meantime I started absolutely hating my job too. I had been told they were appointing someone senior to me, and I started hating it even more, and the quality of my work started dropping. Which was also stressing me out. Our car was stolen and used as a decoy vehicle in a violent car hijacking. Then at 24 wks, I ended up back in hospital with another bleed, and they thought dd2 was going to arrive very prematurely. I was diagnosed with placenta previa. FOrtunately I had excellent care and hung on till full term, but suffered again from sickness because she was sitting so high in my stomach and she gave me a small hernia.

We settled down again, and started considering moving to a bigger house because we were financially more stable, but by the time I went back to work I started hating it even more, and underperforming even more (amazing that - got a bad evaluation, so worked even worse). Dh was not enjoying his job, and this opportunity to go to UAE arrived. We decided that it was time to do it. We sold our house, and we moved back into my parents home, and all those memories started surfacing again. I had an IUD in place because I had been convinced that it was the pill that caused my mood swings (oh really) but fell pregnant anyway. I was a statistical anomaly. One of only 2% that this happens to. Dd 2 was about 6 mths old. I was initially horrified and very frightened because when the doc removed the IUD he told me I could miscarry because of it. I got through it, we told the family, and I started getting excited. Dh left to start our new life in Abu Dhabi and set up home. He was concerned when he got here because everything was not exactly what we were promised, and fell a bit short of our expectations, especially financially.

Then, 2 weeks after he left, I found out that the baby was dead, and I had to phone him and tell him. I went through the D&C on my own, as well as finding out the cancer element. I started getting mood swings again. Angry ones. I threw things. I screamed. I shouted. My mother told me I was just like my father, which nearly killed me inside. Then we moved to Abu Dhabi - and then my first post takes over as to how I ended up.

This week for some reason all of these things started clambering for my attention again. Probably because I was sick and run down and missing my family (especially my sisters and my nieces and nephews). My parents are planning a trip here, and as delighted as I will be to see them, I realise that I still cannot deal with the duality of my father. I love him very much for all the good he has done me, but hate him for the bad. It got bad enough that I ended up having my first panic attack last night in over a month.

I am seeing my doctor again tomorrow. I am calm now, but still very down. I am desperately tired of being trapped by my memories and mood swings and the fact I feel totally out of control of my own life. I just want to feel normal, and if I have to live like this for the rest of my life, I can't do it. I just can't. I want to be a normal human being, who doesn't get stressed over stupid things like whether the class mums like me and rubbish.

Its pathetic, and thats how I feel. Pathetic and pinned down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 9:27am

Hi Mouselet. I read your story. I am so sorry for what you have been through. Have you had counseling? I am not a doctor but it sounds to me like you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder from your childhood. I hope you can find a counselor to share this with, but you took the first step by expressing your feelings here. Write anytime you need to express yourself. We all care about you. Take care.

This post is not intended to take the place of professional help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 11:51am

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((oh MOUSE)))))))))))))))))))))))))


I am so sorry that you had to go through something like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 11:53am

(((((Mouse))))), you and I have a lot in common in our childhoods.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:05pm
(((((HUGS)))) to you hun. i didn't read any other responses yet, DS is sitting here *helping* and spilling fruit loops everywhere.
i wanted to say i am so sorry for what you are struggling with. i know some people might think this sort of post would trigger, it actually HELPS me, as odd as it sounds. i am able to see past my own problems and know there are a ton of people out there going through some really rough things.
perhaps you need to look into getting your sisters together, with you, and confronting your dad together - AS A TEAM. tell him how much you really LOVE HIM, but at the same time you can't let go of these awful memories and it's hurting you and the others a lot. maybe he has some things to say as well and it would help to get it out in the open. i think trying to *drown* these memories (for lack of better word today) will only make it worse and they will continue to haunt you.
i know how hard suffering a m/c is, obviously, having been through 2 myself but the second one was roughest of all. i, too, was told that because i was on the pill i would have a higher chance of m/c, plus the fact that i'd already lost one baby before and had a *history*. i had just changed pills, after m/c#1, when i got strep really bad. i was put on 500 mg zithromax pills for 7 days. guess what? it was ovulation week too. but we were THRILLED to have this unexpected chance and went for 12 wks...*sigh*...what's done is done. i am trying to move on, much like you are, and i am sure it will be a long road for both of us. there is a m/c board where the ladies are VERY supportive, if you are interested in posting about your loss they will help you understand and listen to you.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhmiscarriag/
my sis moved to germany with her 4 kids, her DH is military. soon as they arrived, he packed off to iraq for what was supposed to be a year, but turned into 16 months. after 2 yrs of germany, they were moved to TX just last month, and looks like he's going back to iraq. the pain of moving to another country is very real, it's traumatic to be removed from everything familiar - not just friends and family. KWIM? i'm sure you know best of all. but i agree with you that the issues from your past, your father, your dh's long absences and injuries, plus the m/c, are probably the root of your problem.
i wish i could do more than give this little bit of advice. but i am here for you, and i hope you feel free to contact me anytime. you may email me if you like. rowansbeotch@hotmail.com is what ivillage has listed for me. (rowan is my son's name)
again (((BIG HUGS))) to you.
~leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 11:44pm
Thank you everyone for your kind comments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:16am

Hey Mouse, major hugs to you. So sorry to hear all that you've been thru in life. I can totally relate, as far as the roots of my depression taking hold in my childhood. While I do believe that depression is a chemical imbalance and somewhat genetic, I also believe that circumstances can make it much worse. What people who don't suffer from depression never understand is that the circumstances don't make you sad - they make you paralyzed. I've been thru hell in my adult life as well and people would tell me, "well of course you're sad, you've had a rough time of it." And I'd always be like, "I'm not just sad, I can't seem to think straight, can't decide what to wear today, what to cook for dinner, can't leave my house." My youngest son died and I can remember a few weeks afterwards I ran out of toothpaste and I called my DH and my mom crying because I was out of toothpaste. Neither could understand. Why don't you just go out and buy more? GO OUT AND BUY MORE!!!! Are you out of your minds???? I couldn't possibly do that. My DH and my mom were pretty shocked and couldn't understand what the *&%# was up. Mind you, I'm a fairly intelligent person. They couldn't understand how I could be so incapacitated about this toothpaste thing.

It's exhausting. Not only do we have to deal with life, we have to make decisions based on what we can and can't do at that moment.

My dad was a drunk. I refuse to call him an alcholic because I think of "alcoholism" as a medical term for people in recovery. He never got recovery. He was a mean, violent, unpredictable drunk. Like you, I still have repressed memories and nightmares about his behavior. Horrible things he said and did, things he did to me, things he did to my mom. And I understand what you mean when you say that you love the good side of your dad. I myself am a recovering alcoholic today, so I very much understand that alcholism is a disease and my dad really couldn't control his behavior without help. I am, and probably always will be, angry that he didn't get help for his drinking.

I think one of the reasons that we with awful childhoods suffer so much as adults is that we never learn coping mechanisms, never feel "safe," or "loved," or any other of those warm fuzzies that parents are supposed to pass on to their kids. While I don't sit around and blame my parents for the problems in my life today, I do sit around (once a week for an hour with my T, to be exact!) and try and undo all the damage they did with their abuse. The only way to get to the root of these things is to keep talking about them. Period. They're very real.

We missed out on something big, in our childhoods. I can relate to what you said about things getting worse after your first child is born. No surprise there. Many cases of depression kick in big time after your children are born because you begin to think back on your own childhood. I know for me, I used to hold my DD when she was a baby and think that no one was going to wake her up in the middle of the night screaming and throwing things, etc. I was happy for her, but for the first time in my life, I was sad for myself. I think when we're children and living thru this stuff, we just can't feel the full impact or all the fear. It must be terrifying for a child to realize that the people entrusted to raising them are lunatics.

Anyway, that's my .02 on your post. Again, I'm sorry for all that you've been thru in life. Keep hanging in there. Love, Mo (new to this board, but NOT new to depression)

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 6:01am

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday in an effort to continue getting this sorted for me. I was singularly disappointed in his reaction. He is a psychiatrist not a psychologist, and was practically dismissive of my issues. He kept on repeating that I must just continue with my meds as its early days (started on 9 Jan) and that it will take time. He just didn't get it. When I asked yet again about learning skills to deal with the issues (you can't just medicate memories away) he told me I just needed to "train my mind" to build new associations with the things that cause me stress. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU STUPID FART! Well thats what I wanted to say but didn't. I asked again, in a different way, but he kept coming back to the "meds will help" and "train your mind."

Completely useless to me. If he had told me HOW to do it, maybe I would have felt better about it.

I have to see him again in two weeks time and I am going to bring it up again. If he cannot help me, he must refer me to a therapist or counsellor who can. I just don't know if he will. Its a military hospital, and if I go elsewhere I have to pay, and we can't really afford that. So I have to stick it out or get an inhouse referral.

It is so annoying and so disheartening. All I want to do is help myself get better, and he is not giving me the skills to do so.