new here - need advice (long)
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| Sun, 02-13-2005 - 2:03pm |
Hi everyone. I'm new here and I'm wondering if any of you out there have some words of wisdom. Sorry this is so long.
I've had depression for as long as I can remember. I'm now 31 and married to a wonderful, extremely supportive husband. The trouble I'm having now is with my mom. As a kid I felt very close to her, and I would tell her just about everything. I realize now that we were too close - we were "best friends" - and our relationship was basically based on sharing each other's misery. She was a stay-at-home-mom, and I was an only child. Dad was a work-a-holic who basically just wanted to be left alone.
A few years ago I realized that I needed to distance myself from mom. I noticed that she would find a negative side to any positive idea or event. I stopped telling her about anything good in my life because I was afraid she'd find a way to "ruin" it by putting doubts and fears in my mind. As I pulled back, she became more controlling. She began demanding that I call her and my dad every day, even though we only live a few miles from each other. When I told her that I was seeing a therapist, she became irate and demanded to know the name and number of the "quack" (I didn't give it to her). She herself began taking antidepressants (but no therapy!), and told me she's taking them because we're not close anymore (in other words, it's my fault). I tried to calmly explain why I've pulled away from her, but she just sees herself as a blameless victim - she is never wrong about anything, ever. Last night she misunderstood something I said, and began sarcastically taunting me, "Did I make you mad? Did I depress you?"
So, my question is this. How do I have any kind of relationship with her without allowing myself to be controlled and degraded, and more depressed? I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks.

just a lurker/passerbyer's opinion here but you have got to not allow ANYONE to mistreat you and that includes your mother. Tell her to stop blaming everything on you because she is not a perfect human being. Tell her you don't appreciate being her emotional punching bag and threaten to withdraw from contacting her further if she doesn't stop. You can't always hold relationships with people and sometimes the person you happen to not be able to have a close relationship with is your mom. That's just reality. Of course, that is the most extreme case and hopefully you won't have to resort to that. Hopefully, if your mom realizes that you're serious that you want her to just QUIT, she'll straighten out and stop being so awful to you. Personally, if she says something like "Did I make you mad? Did I depress you?" again, I'd smile at her pleasantly and say, "Nope. But I'll be here if you depress yourself."
G'luck hun.
There is a book called Children of the Self Absorbed - I hope you can go get it today. Your mom sounds so classically narcisstic maybe borderline personality? as mine is. This book will shed some light on your relationship and ways to deal with this situation. It is ENORMOUSLY helpful to read.
We all deserve to set bounderies and have parents, friends, spouses, children respect them. We need to show the same respect for others boundaries as well.
All the best and "hold your line".