Triggers- I'm new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Triggers- I'm new here
4
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 9:32pm

Hi everybody,

I'm new to this board, but not to depression. I'm Kelly, and I'm a 20 year old college student. I have been suffering from depression for over a year now. It finally hit full blast in November 2003. In September 2004, I started doing much better. I took myself off of Zoloft, and I stopped seeing my counselor.

Well, I'm feeling those low-downs again, and I've been feeling them for awhile. I feel like an emotional roller coaster. I've gained 50 lbs in the past year, and I feel ugly. Very rarely does anybody (besides my boyfriend or parents) tell me that I look pretty. I'll even hear my other friends compliment another one of my friends, saying, "oh, you're so pretty," and I wish that they would tell me that. I feel so out of shape, and I feel so huge. I've been going to work out, although I didn't really go last week because of tests, but I just feel like I'm piling on the weight. I feel very unattractive.

Also, my suitemate, her boyfriend, and my boyfriend...I feel like they're always criticizing me. As a matter of fact, I walked in on my boyfriend venting to the two of them about how I sleep all the time, and I don't lead a very active lifestyle. It felt like an icicle just went straight through my heart and out my back. Well, actually, out my chest, because I felt like I was stabbed in the back.

I've had some problems with family members, but those don't seem to be bothering me as much anymore. I worry about my relationship with my boyfriend. He never tells me when things are going wrong, I have to really pry them out of him. I feel like I'm constantly watching myself, to make sure that I don't mess up. I have also caught my boyfriend reading my IMs and e-mails, and I hate that. But I can't tell him that, because I'm afraid of causing conflict. Whenever he makes me feel bad, I try to get over it quickly, because I don't want to make him feel bad. When I think I make him feel bad, I'm bending over backwards to make it better.

I'm sitting here, bawling as I type this. I have decided to call my school's counselling services in the morning, as well as my school doctor. But I still just feel so...I feel so horrible.

I'm sorry this was a bad way to welcome myself to the board.

Kelly

Beach Siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 10:06pm

((((((((((Kelly))))))))))

Welcome to the board! :) You are among friends...the ladies here are absolutely amazing.

Hon, don't avoid making your bf feel bad, and don't let him walk over you if he does! I know the compulsion to avoid conflict/make everything happy all the time, but relationships aren't like that. Heck, I just got cranky with my bf tonight because he was like "yeah, let's get something to eat" at 5pm and I waited for him for almost 4 freakin' hours. That's a little more time than is allowed when I say "take your time, no rush"! He felt bad, which made me feel bad because I don't like making him feel bad, but you know what, that's too much. But anyhow, enough about me. I definitely would NOT put up with him invading your privacy by reading your IMs and emails! Just say something like "sweety, I really don't like it when you read my IMs and emails. It makes me feel ________, and it's an invasion of my privacy."

I'm glad you'll be contacting your school's counselling service in the morning. I just called mine this past Thursday. I'm going through a relapse too. Like university/college isn't hard enough without dealing with depression!

Good luck with everything. Let us know how things are going!

Hugs,
Rebecca

PS I LOVE your nickname!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 11:56pm

(((((Kelly))))), your bf is totally out of line reading your IMs and emails, and he may even be breaking the law.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:10am

Thanks, all.

It's crazy...last night, when I posted that, I was so sad. A few hours later, when my boyfriend and I were going to bed, I was seriously slaphappy. Now that I'm awake, I can't understand what bothered me last night. I don't know what to do. I think I'll make an appointment to talk to my doctor.

Kelly

Beach Siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 1:02pm

I think a boyfriend who talks behind your back about you is not worthy of you. We all dated a few losers in college. (or at least I did.) This is not the end of the world. I am certain that you will find someone to have a healthy relationship with in the near future.

I have always been told I am pretty and have great bone structure etc. but I still didn't believe it at your age. What a person tells you should not affect how you feel inside. I suspect no matter how many people tell you you are pretty, you would still feel unattractive because of your depression. Beauty is such a complicated thing. We have so many different cultures, skin tones, sizes, ages, etc in our country. Frankly I think all types are beautiful. I think most of us do not live up to the high standards of model beauty but this is okay. Everyone and every culture has a different view of beauty. Not everyone will think you fit their narrow view of the "pretty ideal". However, this does not mean you are not stunning. (for some reason African American men, Arabic Men, Jewish men and Hispanic men are always the ones that find me attractive. I guess my "zoftig" figure is not the WASP ideal but do YOU THINK I CARE? I am happily married and not a model. Oh well.)

I hope you change the password on your email account, get back on your medicine, and talk to your counselor. I am 39 so I am in a position to say that 20 is a very hard age and that it gets better from then on!! Keep posting. I want to hear how you are doing.

Lots of hugs.