Lonely, Sad and Need Closure

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Lonely, Sad and Need Closure
7
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 12:05am
I got out of a pretty destructive relatinship a little over two years ago. I have been single since. The man I dated was Rico. We had a lot of very good times, thought we would marry but then towards the last year of the relationship he became extremely depressed, tried to kill himself, and I hung in until I just couldnt anymore. He started drinking very heavily, every day. As much help that I offered or advice he got from me or anyone else he never listented. He had to handle it his way. Over the last 2 years he has been in an out of the hosptial, found out he is diabetic, had pancreatis, kidney and liver damage and was told if he continued to drink he would die. Well, this past monday i got home from work and there was a letter from his mother telling me that Rico died in his sleep a week earlier. Im beside myself with all of this emotional. Things that maybe I could have done, which I know there was nothing more I could do but I hurt so bad. He was only 42. I am 38 and have never been married and new the path he was on was not one I wanted to live for the rest of my life or bring kids into. I know he is in a much better place now, he is no longer depressed and he can just rest and be content, atleast that is what I hope for him. I have no closure to this situation becuase his parents had him cremated and took him home to Wisconsin. I need someway to say goodbye and I just dont know how to do that and have peace with his passing. I loved him so much at one time, never wished bad things for him. He is the last man I have been in love with. I hope someone out there can give me some thoughts. Thank you for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 6:08am
Hi Jewlzz67. I am so sorry for what you went through, but don't be hard on yourself or feel guilty for not doing more. Besides his depression, he was an alcoholic and that is another disease. No matter what you could have said or done, he would have had to take the first step and admit he had a problem and be ready and willing to change that himself. You could not have done that for him. It is sad what happened to him, but don't blame yourself. Write anytime you need to express yourself. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 8:15am

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel responsible for what happened - it's not something that was in your control. It sounds like you did everything you possibly could to love and support Rico. I'm sure that if there was anything more that you could have done, you would have done it. You obviously loved him very much.

It helps me to believe that everything happens for a reason. At least you can know that now Rico is at peace.

My thoughts are with you. (((hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 8:46am

(((((Jewel))))), I'm so sorry for your tragedy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 12:49pm


Hi Jewel,

My heart goes out to you. I know how grief stricken you must be. You were in love with Rico. His death must be very painful. You must remember that you did your very best for him. Unfortunately, no one can force a person to get help. It was ultimately Rico that had to help Rico.

You must also give yourself credit for choosing to make the healthy decision of leaving Rico. You could not marry a man with an out of control addiction that was unwilling to seek help.

I also think his family must care for you otherwise Rico's mother would have never written you that letter.

I hope you write in a journal about your feelings and consider seeing a grief counselor.

I wish you the best!!

S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 9:25pm
Thank you so much for your kind words. I used to come to this site all the time, its good to be back, not for this reason but just to know that there are women out there that have gone through or are going through similar pain. I really dont have anyone to talk to about him, not anyone that understood what I went through with him. Im actually kinda surprised that I have reacted so badly. I think this is my real good bye, dealing with what I didnt deal with when we broke up because I was just mad at that point. Thank you again...Happy V Day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 9:29pm
I have been trying to think of something that I can do in his memory. His parents just took his ashes back to a place that he ran from. Ive thought of planting a tree but Im not sure where, I want it someplace I know it will always be so that I can see it grow. I need to do something to get this emotion out because I havent had anyone to talk to about it that would understand my pain. Everyone in my life hated him for what he put me through while we were together, it didnt start out that way, we were very much in love at one point. Im going to put some thought into what I can do but I really loved your ideas and suggestions, thank you. It must have been very hard to lose a child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:44pm

(((Jewlzz67)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. Even though the relationship had ended due to his behaviors, it doesn't change the love you had for him. Keep thinking about how he is in a better place. He truly is. He is no longer hurting. He is at peace.

As for closure, why not write out in a journal all you wish to say to him. Somehow I think that all those who have moved on to the next plane of existence still know how we truly feel about them and can "hear" us in a way.

I wish you some comfort in this time of sorrow.
And brightest blessings for the future.
Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika