I have issues...
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| Mon, 08-10-2009 - 5:30pm |
But im not sure this is the right board for me. I couldnt really find one that seemed to suit what I would like to talk about.
Im looking for people who have experienced a life like mine and how they deal with it.
As for my background, this is my story. When I was very young, about 6, my dad after a night of abusing my mother, again, grabbed his gun and told her she had 10 mins to get us and her out of the house before he killed all of us. I was already awake, because my room was right next to thier and I could her them screaming and fighting and my mom crying like always. My mom came running in there told me to get my shoes on, and gathered my 2 younger brothers, one in a stroller and the other on her hip and we took off down the road. My grandmother lived in these apartments at the end of the neighborhood and thats where we were running to. We make it to the apartments, but not quite to hers and we heard our car and hid behind some stairways as he circled around a couple of times looking for us. I remember us being as quiet as possible and waiting for him to give up. After a bit he did and we took off for grandmas door. A little after that he showed up and was threatening to kill all of us, including my grandma and uncle who was there. My uncle had a gun and after my dad fired a couple of rounds, missing everyone, my uncle shot him about 3 times. After that my dad was out of the picture and my mom was a single mom raising us 3 on fast food wages and on welfare. Her taste in men didnt get much better. One of her boyfriends after that was drunk and spanked me so hard with a switch that I had whelps and bruises so bad they almost bled and I litterly couldnt sit or lay on my backside. And got threatened with more because he thought I was being a smart-a$$ because I didnt want to sit on them. Fast forward, my mom eventually got w/another drunk that also did drugs. He did odds and ends to make money, but mostly to buy another bottle of whiskey, pills or other things. This whole time I thought my mom wasn't using, but I was wrong. We would find things like seringes hidden in the shower rods etc. My mom would trade foodstamps for pills (we thought it was for her husband, turns out it was for both.) Things got more and more out of control as we started having to move a lot. Our electricity was getting cut off every few months, if not the electic, the water. In which we would have to use buckets to go to the bathroom and dump them away from where we were living. We didnt have telephones, cars or things like that. If we had cable it was because we stole it or the people living there before hadnt gotten it shut off yet. There were times we lived in a tent at the lake, CPS was called but since camping isnt illegal, neither is actually living in one. We lived in hotels, w/friends and family etc. Our grandmother took me, my bros, my mom and her H in once. Then just us kids, and our mom, and finally it got to where she would only take us kids. This is when my mom would say if she cant stay we couldnt either and thats mainly when we started living at the lake and hotels. We were exsposed to drugs and drinking a lot growing up and I always swore I would never do them because I saw how everyone elses lives were. My grandma was the only positive thing in my life and she did a lot for us kids. However, right befor I turned 13 she passed away. Then my life went down hill. I started doing drugs, my moms abuse towards me got worse because I started fighting back. I became sexually active and practically lived w/my friends. My mom was the sterotypical white trash girl. He house was a wreck, she had a broken down car in front that had window and lights busted on it. The house was a wreck, and it was a dumpy house at that. I use to tell her I was going to meet a man that would want to marry me and take care of me and I would have a happy life. Her response is what man would want to take care of me. I need to quit living in fairy tales because that would never happen. Then I found out I was pregnant and I was only 13 and had been doing drugs. I wound up having an abortion, and Im thankful I did, and I didnt stop my lifestyle, like I should have. In fact i got worse. using more and more drugs, drinking etc. After all, I had my mom, her friends and mine that were all doing it with me. The only good thing I was doing was going to school full time and making a's and b's. I kid you not. School was my santuary. I could go there and pretend like my home life didnt exsist, got praised for making good grades, and enjoyed the company of my classmates. Well finally CPS got involved because my younger brothers pretty much quit going to school because my mom didnt make them, they were only in elementry and middle school, and the school called them on us. They removed us out of her custody, temporarily, a couple times. The third time I was in 10th grade and had moved out of my moms house completly. I was still going and doing great in school even though my b/f, who I was living with, always pressured me to quit and just get my GED. The third time they removed us out of my moms custody, it was her last strike. We were told she could no longer have custody of us and we started getting moved about in shelters around the state. One option they were looking into for us to go is to go live with our bio dad! There was no way I would do that. So I ran away to another state w/my then boyfriend about a week befor i turned 16. This boyfriend was not only mentally abusive but becoming more and more physically abusive. When we moved he got a lot worse and told me it was because he was stressed out by me being a run away and the thought of them being able to take me away was so bad and thats why he would do things to me. Well after some research we found a state that we could get married in w/o parents consent. So we did. And nothing got better. It got worse. He tried to suffocate me, lock me in the bathroom where I couldnt get away from him hitting me, he would choke me and hold me against the walls, all kinds of things. Finally after several attempts, I was able to get away. I knew if it went on much longer it would be just like what my dad did, or worse. Unfortunatly at 17 and with no help in a state where you dont know anyone life can be tough. I was working full time at chuck e cheese and walking several miles to and from work to pay for my apartment and bills. I was still using drugs and living a horrible life. I had no idea where I was going and figured going back home would be no better so I stayed. Well, I am proud to say that after a lot of hard work I was able to provide better for my self and in May of 05, I realized where my life was at and where it was going. I walked away from all of the drugs and most of my friends. Actually when I quit doing drugs most of my 'friends' didnt care to hang out with me anymore. And for some reason I didnt care.
My life quality improved greatly. I started getting better jobs, making more money and meeting people whos lives werent ruined and run by drugs. I finally got my GED, and scored in the top 10% of the state! I was pretty happy bout that. I was able to get a car and have nicer things. That was just the begining.
Now, I am in a great relationship with a man that does take care of me, loves me and treats me like a queen. We are moving into our new home next week. I have a nice pretty new car, work full time loving what I do. Im able to afford nice things, do fun things and in couple of months we will be going on a cruise. My first vacation ever. So whats my issue? These things from my past still haunt me. I have nightmares of the abuse i've gone through, everyday decisions are often interfered w/thing that has happened in my past. I wasn't taught how to life in a life like this. One where I can go spend money on things I need, not have to count each penny so carefully. Instead of worrying about getting to eat at all, i get to worry about what to do w/leftovers. My b/f wants to cover the bills and let me use my money to pay for things I like, since he can, and I dont know how to let him. I have the man I told my mom I would, and I dont know what to do. I react to things in ways I know normal people dont, and I can tell it catches him off guard and then I feel I have to explain and ask for forgiveness even though i know with him its not nessicary. I just want to be 'normal'. I want to know how to take care of myself. My mom never did. I finally went to the dentist for a tooth cleaning when I was 22, my first time ever in a dentists office. I've never gone to doctors, only the ER once or twice. If we got sick it was stay home and hope for the best. Time will heal it. Until I started dating this man, I had never gone to super nice restraunts. And the first few times I was so nervous I couldnt move or hardly eat. It was another world. He opens doors, gives compliments etc. I didnt know how to react. And now I realize all the things my mom should have done for me as a mom and im growing with more and more hatred for her everyday. Hatred I dont want. Growing up it was normal to us to use the bathroom in buckets and dump them outside, now looking back I realize how horrible that is and how not normal it is. No one should ever have to do that. These things just get to me sometimes and I dont know how to let go. I want to get over them and forget them. I dont want them affecting my life, this wonderful life that I have worked so hard for and have made for myself. My mom tells me im spoiled because not only do I have a car, but when the AC went out, i got it fixed. My mom to this day still uses drugs, lives in run down houses or hotels and works at a fast food joint. Her idea of a good night is getting a bottle of vodka, taking shots, getting wasted and partying. Im not even 25, but my idea of a good time is having a few friends over to the house, cooking a great meal and having a glass of wine. I almost feel like our roles are reversed. I've pretty much quit talking to her all together. So its like I dont have any family. Thats another thing that bothers me. The good thing is my B/fs family seems to love me and has really taken me in. But does anyone else deal with these things? How? will I ever grow and move past these things?

