hi everyone im checking in
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| Fri, 08-21-2009 - 10:02am |
Hi everyone! It's been a long time since I've been on here-you may not remember me, I'm not sure...you probably have a lot of posters that flit in and out of here from time to time, so I won't take it personally if you don't.
To give you a little background on me, maybe you'll remember me (and to introduce myself to the newbies) my name is casi. I am a single mom with two kids. I live in Iowa. I have been diagnosed with a few different mental illnesses over the years but I feel the one that really fits me is Bipolar (which was my first diagnosis, when I was 16) I also have a diagnosis of schizophrenia-paranoid type (within the last 3 years).
I am more open about the Bipolar-there's so much more acceptance out there for that (but not nearly enough in my opinion). I don't hear voices, which seems to be what most people think when they think of schizophrenia.I do know schizophrenics who do though, and I thank god every day that I don't hear voices because it's a kind of suffering noone on this planet should have to go through-so i thank my lucky stars I don't have it, tho having the paranoia is no picnic either.
I also have distorted thoughts when my anxiety is high, like really out there distorted thoughts. One time I slept maybe 4 hours in a two week period, and I called my mother. She could not understand me my sentences were so garbled and disturbing that she rushed me to the hospital. While I was inpatient, I believed god was sending me messages through the tv and I was underlining words in the newspaper, again because god was sending me messages.
I would not have shared that with anyone 4 years ago. Partly shame, partly embarassment,I kept it hidden, along with other disturbing symptoms I've had. And also, how do you try to explain a thought like that and then have someone accept you as being an intelligent person? Seemed impossible to me at the time. Not that it's a conversation starter for me these days, but I feel like I should share this with you because it's a part of what I've been through, simple as that. And also because I want to let people out there know you can recover from being that sick, that "out there", and that even intelligent people can have crazy symptoms.
You might be wondering why I post on the depression board, since there is a bipolar board available. For me, I really struggle the most with the depression. I do have bouts with anxiety but for the most part it's short lived. Also the paranoia isn't constant, it usually comes out when i have extremely high and uncomfortable anxiety. I can really relate a lot with the people who have major depression not only because my depression can be so debilitating but also because my brother has major depression too. I get the schizophrenia from my dad, I assume, though his type was the voices type. He wasn't hearing voices though, till his mid-forties or at least he didn't confess he had voices until then. My mom has never been diagnosed with any sort of mental illness, but i have seen some subtle signs of bipolar over the years since I've gotten educated about the illness. My two children have ADHD.
I don't know how long this post is going to be. I'm sorry if it is long or any bit boring it's just that I want to tell my story, and in telling my story and what I've done to cope with my illnesses maybe I can help at least one person have some hope or take action when they didn't know what to do before. I will try to keep in mind, though, that you all have lives and don't want to spend your whole day reading a post thats as long as war and peace. I will try to be succint as much as I can yet get the important stuff out.
I always new I was different, since I was maybe about five years old, though whether anyone picked up on it while I was growing up I don't know for sure. A few pretty bad things happened in my childhood and teenage years to me that a few of you may relate to. I have noticed a pattern in a lot of the people I've met with mental illness, beacuse they have similar stories to thier childhoods-physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse...i think these things can play a part in mental illness but it's not necessarily the norm.
Like I said, I was diagnosed with Bipolar when i was 16 by my therapist at the time. She recommended that my mom put me on meds, but my mom refused. she was pretty much in denial about the fact that i had these issues. Plus, my brother is epileptic and was on a lot of meds growing up, and this stunted him in a way I can't really explain. Looking back, I think maybe she thought this might happen to me too. But, I wish she had because It might have done a world of good for me and prevented the many problems I had later on in life.
I struggled through my teenage years, and I ended up doing drugs...marijuana, alcohol, and later in my early 20's meth. I only did meth for about a year. I have never been in any major trouble for these things. I have never driven a car drunk, or got violent with anyone. Still, it was a negative way to cope with my emotions and the illness. I did not accept that I had Bipolar at the time. I just pushed it off to the side, 'forgot' about it.
It was not until my attempt at suicide when I was 24 that I was actually prescribed something. I was in a dark depression. I was a single mom with two kids. I had no friends at the time-they all took off after I had kids and I stopped doing drugs. I had a college degree in Graphic Design and i thought when i graduated that I had a bright future but I had been fired from my job ( I was terrible at typing and made many mistakes, costing the company I worked for a considerable amount of money in printing mistakes, had emotional outbursts at work, and did not get along very well with a few of my coworkers) even though i had very strong artistic talent. This was devastating for me because I had put all my hopes into my education and thought that I would be able to support myself and my kids. Instaed of looking for a job immediately after I sunk into a deep depression. I did not bathe for two weeks, did not answer my phone, and spent most of the month before I made my suicide plan crying and sleeping all day.
I tried to overdose on two full bottles of aspirin. I sat there for about two hours digesting the pills and trying to think of whether i should die in the house. no, i thought, ill go in the car and die, so the kids wont see me dead in the morning (they were 4 and two at the time) and then it hit me: my death would devastate the kids, traumatize the kids, ruin the kids. I called 911. they took me to the hospital. I spent 4 days in ICU while they tried to determine whether I had damaged my organs from taking the aspirin. They asked me why i did it. I said I did not know, but I did. I was deeply emabrassed and ashamed, though, and didn't want to open up about what was really going on with me. So, I had a brief talk with a psychiatrist, and they let me go home.
That was my first hospitialtion. The second one was the time i believed I was getting messages from god, about 2 years later i think. I have had two more hospitilizations since then, the most recent one being about two years ago for, again, suicidal thoughts. When I arrived at the hospital on my last visit I felt such a sense of guilt it that I stabbed myself with a pen several times in the veiny part of my wrist and bled profusely.
Also, I felt so bleak and hopeless and humiliated and feeling like a failure for being in the hospital again that i made a half-hearted attempt at drowning myself by sticking my face in the toilet bowl. Kind of lame and funny but deeply sad at the same time.
I have struggled with "Medication Compliance" ( I just hate that term for some reason) since i was first prescribed medication. I have many lame excuses for not taking them but deep down I believe it's the belief that I am a whole person, you know, that the mediaction puts me in this category of "unwhole".
I will be honest with you-right now I'm pocketing my depression pills. A part of that is the fear that they will give me anxiety. I do feel this rush of energy and a slight sense of nervousness and a heightened awareness of lights. It is not unnecissarily uncomfortable, but it leads me to think that it will get worse, which leads to worrying, which leads to anxiety. So basically it's my own mind tricking me. the last week or so I have started taking them again, but I'm nervous because I am taking two effexor instaed of one like i was the last time I was being "compliant". So, I am just riding it out right now. wish me luck on this.
To help with the disorganized thoughts, I get shots every two weeks of risperdal. This has helped tremendously with paranoia and nervousness, though it makes me gain weight. Right now, I am at the biggest I've ever been but I've pretty much accepted that beacuse I'd rather have a sound mind than be skinny. Anyways i think it kind of screens out the shallow guys when it comes to dating. I try to think on the positive side, I guess.
So far this has been mostly a depressing post-hope i haven't bummed you out but there is a light at the end of the tunnel....promise.
I haven't had a suicidal thought since my last hospitalization. Not one. I have managed to stay out of the hospital too. I haven't had a major bout of depression either, though I have felt myself starting to slip towards one. I was able to catch the warning signs quickly enough though and take action-I talked to friends, family, even called up to the hospital and talked to the one of the nurses in the behavioral unit for about two hours ( I had broken up with my BF of fours years and was devastated). I opened up. I shared. I took the shame I had and threw it away and got some support. My depression didn't go away right away after I had done all this, but It didn't end up going any further either. So one point for me, depression none.
Also a great source of support is a group i attend 3 times a week at the hospital. Everyone in the group has some sort of mental illness and they have been in similar situations to mine, some in even worse ones than me. We support each other. we advise each other. we comfort each other when we cry. we laugh together. It's my anchor right now, and I also feel good about myself because I'm able to give them advice too. I would highly recommend to anyone, whether you are struggling or not, to try some kind of support group. I was hesitant about going at first, but i have made many good friends and confidants there.
Speaking of group, I should get going...gonna start soon. well, ladies (and guys) I hope that maybe you got something out of this post. I will try not to be a stranger on here.
casi
| Tue, 08-25-2009 - 1:09pm |






