I'm not sure where I am to go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
I'm not sure where I am to go...
3
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 2:00am

I am not really sure if I am in the depression category, but I need answers. I need them before I push away the man I am in love with.


A little about me..  I have always struggled with low self esteem and that has caused me to make some poor decisions in life. I have dated abusive people that fed off that. The beat me down mentally to the point that saying I had low self esteem is a major exaggeration. No self esteem might just seem like one. Just when I gave up on men and decided I wasn't worthy for anyone decent... I met a great guy. He turned me around greatly. Got me headed in the right track back to at least to the point of where I was before I had help.


Anyway Fast Forward to 3 years later... 


My insecurities of being not good enough are sneaking back in. I am a mess. I cry all the time about everything. Mostly my living situation. I'm 34, 3 kids living at home. No career. No college. I had a great job but decided to be a stay at home mom with my kids.. the only thing is my ex turned out to be a deadbeat, quite jobs left and right and never payed our bills. Therefore never being able to afford to move out. So I have always lived here. Real boost for the self esteem.Now being divorced after finding out he is gay ( another boost!) having 3 kids and the deadbeat being a deadbeat dad as well.. I still can't afford to move out.  The insecurities also cause problems with this wonderful guy I date. I'm super jealous! I get angry and out of control. It doesn't make a difference how small it is. By the time I am done it is like a explosion. like a derailed train. I am so mean to him and I can see myself doing it, but can't stop me. Then after I do all this damage it sinks in.. I realize what I have done and I go to the other extreme. I blame myself.. I cry.. I push him away and tell him I am a loser than he can find much better. I just don't know what is wrong with me. I am an emotional mess. I always seem so miserable and I am not all the time, but those few times it doesn't take much to get me there.


I don't know what I am asking.. I'm not even sure people can help me. I just know I don't want to lose him and I want to be better for me and my kids as well.



"What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I see only him. No matter how painful distance can be, not having him in my life would be worse."


"What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 1:37pm

Boy, I totally identify with the self-esteem thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 5:37pm

Thank you for your quick reply.


As far as child support.. I have a court order stating how much he is suppose to pay every two weeks, but he gets around it quite well. He works jobs that he is over qualified for. Meaning crappy jobs that he doesn't make much at when he could be making so much more. He quits jobs every so often so it takes them awhile to track him down again.


You said you understand the fear of losing the person you love. What did you do to stop it? How do you stop the train before it derails and goes out of control? I try and I manage for all about 1 second and then BOOM it hits. I cry.. I yell.. I am mean... well I am sure you might know a little about what I am talking about. So how did you do it?



"What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 8:24pm

The big thing that I had to learn was to put my husband first.