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| Thu, 08-27-2009 - 5:31pm |
This is the first time I have ever done this so be patient with me as I try to give a short version of where I'm at in my life and how I got here. Let me apologize up front for the length of my message as I tend to write books instead of notes.
First a small amount of background info: I had previously been married for 17 1/2 years and had 3 wonderful children and 2 grandchildren when I married for the second time. I had been divorced for 7 years prior to that.
There are plenty of previous contributing factors to my depression prior to this but I am going to start with 2002. In June of 2002 I married a man that I had been dating for 3 1/2 years and then the fun began. Things were a little bumpy as we tried to combine the two households into one. Then we sold my house that was in the country and we live in his house in the middle of a busy city. There was defiantly some adjustments made there. I felt like I had turned my life totally upside down at this point as I had given up everything that was my way of life and he just had to learn to share the closets.
It didn't take long for my depression that I had dealt with in the past to resurface it's ugly head so I was again put on anti-depressants. Well in 2004 I lost my father very suddenly. One day he was here and later that day he was gone. He got up one morning, had breakfast sat down in his chair and had a massive heart attack and was gone. Now let me say that I have been a daddy's girl my whole life. I gave a new meaning to the term Tom Boy! I always told him I would go to my grave with the title of Daddy's Little Girl. Okay let's move on. The next 3 weeks were a total blur as we flew home to Arizona with his girlfriend and cleaned out his summer home there. It all happened so fast it is a blur. But we (my husband and I) got it all taken care of and got back to Tennessee and tried to resume some sort of normality in our lives.
Let me say there hasn't been any normality in MY life since the day my Dad died. I didn't realize it but I sank into a very deep depression and really didn't care about anything. I was put on one anti-depressant after another with out a lot of success from any of them. So I went to see a psyciatrist and she tweaked things until we finally found a combination that seemed to work. Today (5 years later) I take 300mg of Effexor and 300mg of Wellbutrin every morning but, my emotions are constantly up and down.
Because of this I have been on the brink of divorce as my husband has no concept of what depression can do to a persons life and he just thinks that I am lazy and stays on my back all the time about everything! The more he gripes and harps at me the further in my depression I fall. I seem to constantly feel shame and/or guilt over something. I go through phases of I'm okay (these are usually short lived) to I can't get out of bed. I go to counseling one time a week by myself and we have marriage counseling every week also (for the last 3 years!). Sometimes I wonder why I go and then again I wonder where I would be without it.
I am constantly late for work even though my boss told me that I had to be on time everyday or he might have to get rid of me. Perfect example: this morning my husband called at 7:15, thinking I would be gone already as I need to be at work at 8:00, to leave a reminder for himself on the answering machine and I answered the phone from a dead sleep. He cannot understand how I can sleep through 3 alarms going off in the mornings. He just thinks I am very irresponsible! So he asked if I was up and of course I said no then he said are you up now and I said yes so he hung up. I woke up at 9:30 with the phone still in my hand then stayed there for probably another 15 to 20 minutes before I pulled my bones out of the bed. Now my boss had asked me yesterday what time I would be at work this am and I told him I planned on being there at 8:00 so the guilt kicks in again. Not just because I was late but because he can't count on me.
Before my Dad died I was wrapped pretty tight most of the time and I was dependable, reliable, trustworthy and could keep track of all things going on in my life and at work. Now I am none of the above and I'm not sure what I need to do. I've asked my physiciatrist to please change my meds. or something because I just seem to be sinking deeper and deeper into my depression and withdrawing from everything and everybody. At least now I can recognize it I just can't stop it.
Has anyone else felt this way? I just cannot seem to get out of the pit because I keep going through the same cycle over and over without ever making it out of the pit. Please tell me I'm not alone in my in my craziness. I am so tired of feeling like I no control over my entire being and my life!

Welcome to DS and gentle hugs to you dldatwittsend : )
Just reading your story I had to say wow! You really have been through alot over the past several years. I would definitely agree with you about the change in meds. Yours very well may not be working to their full potential anymore.
I do not know what kind of advice to give. For me, some of what you are experiencing is unchartered territory but I am hopeful that some of the others will chime in here.
I just want you know that our board is a great place to be. There is alot of support here and between all of us we have been through just about any situation possible. Keep posting and I will be thinking about you.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It really helps just to know that somebody can relate to at least some of what I am
Boy, can I relate.
*big hugs* No, you're not crazy, nor are you alone. It's interesting to hear how other people describe what so many of us seem to be going through. I'm a writer by nature, so my posts are often long, but I never seem to get the right words down. =)
I, too, feel like things go in a cycle, and it drives my husband insane, too. He really does try, and he puts up with more than most people would. Every once in awhile, he gets too pissed off at me for any number of reasons - all of them valid - and he blows up at me. It's a cycle for us, and I know that my depression is the #1 reason our relationship has problems.
I can understand why you're having a hard time. My dad is currently dying, and I'm very close to him. Growing up, I hung out with Dad, not Mom... well until I was 12 or so, haha - when we discovered shopping! But still, he's very important and our family is close. It's like getting hit in the chest with an anvil every time you think about his pain, his depression, his life wasting away. I know exactly how it feels and IT SUCKS.
I'm not sure myself how to really get through this. I woke up this morning to a puppy getting in trouble for an accident in the house (again, sigh) and things were stressed from the get-go. I didn't feel good so I didn't eat anything - big mistake. Wound up getting sick to mys tomach all morning!
I think for those of us in the cycling issue - like what you've described - one of the best things we can do is to keep a schedule. Keep some sanity, some order. I don't care if it's boring... I make myself get up, take the puppy outside, get ready for a shower, get dressed, read the news, etc. Try to keep it standard for myself.
I've found the more order & structure my life has, the easier I can handle stress and pressure and emotional upset. And it seems to me, the more order our lives have, the less we wind up fighting.
Not sure if it's something you'd be willing to try, but it's made a huge difference for me. In fact, I should probably get my butt up, get moving, clean, organize, etc., do something to keep myself busy for the afternoon. I know I'll feel better if I do. =)
Please feel free to private msg me if you want to talk anytime. I hope you'll consider the idea of making your life a little more structured, if possible - it's kind of boring and seems silly but it does really help me. =)
Well, I went to see my Physiciatrist and she didn't want to listen to me as usual, but I told her I was not leaving until she did something to help the state of mind I have been in for quite a while. After talking about 15 minutes she decided that I must be manic. Well I have been seeing her for 6 years now and she just now decided that was the problem? I'm not sure I agree with her but at this point I will try just about anything to get me out of the PIT I've been living in.
She said that she was not going to change my Med's. for fear that would make things worse so instead she added Abilify and Lamictal to be taken daily along with the other med's. I take. I can't say that they have made me better but my husband commented that I seemed to be more myself the last few days and he is not even aware that I am taking new med's. So I guess that should help with the question are the pills helping?
BUT, I do not like taking all these PILLS! Sometimes I swear I feel like a junky or something because of the amount of med's. I take. Hopefully I will be able to drop something after I get better and not have two take as many. I return to see my physc. on Thursday so I will send a report as to what her assessment is.
I realize I should just be happy that I am doing somewhat better and not worry about the med's. but I just can't help it. Not only are they expensive but they do have some really undesirable side effects. My husband has gotten to where he doesn't even try to be intimate with me because he pretty much know's that I am like a rock and have absolutely no sexual desire. I hate that to because I realize that is important to a relationship.
That's all for now. Any input would be most appreciated.
Debra
I totally understand about the meds. I, too, feel like an addict at times. Feeling sad, take a pill, got a headache, take a pill, have allergies, take another.