i am a mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
i am a mess
5
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 12:41pm

Hi everyone, I am so glad to find this board, I've been dabbling with ivillage for awhile and couldn't find a depression board.  Anyway glad to be here and to have people who are dealing with this stupid disease with me. 


I am going to make a REALLY long story short...so you can kind of see where I come from and where I am at.  From my earliest memories as a child I have always felt inferior and anxious, like I could never live up to what people expected of me.  I was very hard on myself even then, my parents didn't really recognize anything --I guess because in the '1st depression/anxiety etc. well there just wasn't alot of information.  I was always walking on eggshells expecting the worst.  As my teenage years started I started having what I now know to be panic attacks.  ---The Dr.'s explanation was a fast heart---so I was put on atenelol...that inadvertantly helped but my depression got worse.  My junior year I had my first "nervous breakdown", my school counselor suggested that my parents get me into counseling and they just basically told her that I needed more church (very religious family).  I got married at 19 divorced at 21, remarried at 23 divorced at 24, lived with a guy at 25-left him at 29, got with another guy at 30 left him at 32, now I just got remarried again and be with him for about 6 months.  (Some have told me I might be bipolar --ya think?)  My life has always been a huge roller coaster with many many more lows than highs, every guy I have been with (with exception of my husband now) has been an alcoholic or drug user...I never thought I deserved anything  better and I have this horrible disease that I think I can change people.  I have spent countless days and nights on the bathroom or closet floor trying to make my breathing stop...it never worked.  I started going to a psychiatrist 2 years ago for addiction issues (what do ya know...the morphine I was using to calm me down was a very very very bad decision)  I went to rehab for a month and since then have had a couple of small relapses.  I keep trying to find medication that actually works long term.  Either I feel like a robot with no emotion at all, or I am soooo wired that I can't stop my mind from constantly going in overdrive.  I am very very impatient and will do really well with a pscy for awhile, then for no reason at all I stop going then get myself into the mess I am in now.  My husband doesn't know what to do with me...I feel so sorry for him, either I am biting his head off for not folding the laundry, or I am sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom contemplating suicide.  I don't even like being around me right now.  I am currently on celexa and buspar, and visteril for anxiety...obviously these are not working.  So I am biting the bullet again and seeing another psyc on Wed.  I just hope I make it till then without ending up on the front page or the newspaper....


Please send a little prayer my way, I know we are struggling on one level or another and I honestly pray for people who suffer with mental illness, it is so misunderstood.  "Outsiders" really believe it's just a lack of discipline on our part.  They don't understand, I've honestly tried everything, I force myself to exercise at least 5-6 times a week, I try to eat right, take vitamins, get a hobby....I am sure yall know what I am talking about.  Anyway thanks so much for listening to this long winded story I look forward to getting to know you guys and we can support each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2008
In reply to: momagainyikes
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 2:21pm
hi momagainyikes!
welcome to the board! I am an off and on poster. I am surviving Bipolar and schizophrenia-paranoid type. I just wanted to tell you that you are not surviving alone, and that you will be in my thoughts and prayers and it will get better for you. Every year new meds come out for mental illness, and you will find the right combo eventually.....just wish the stigma would go away,too. You are taking a big step by seeing a psych again, so praise yourself for that-you are courageous. I wish you the best of luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2009
In reply to: momagainyikes
Mon, 08-31-2009 - 1:36am
Hi moma.. I used to be a regular at this board and have lurked from time to time, but feel the need to return, as I am having a particularly difficult time right now. Your story was very honest and you should be proud that you are able to share yourself with everyone here. It's not an easy thing to do, and I can relate to many of the feelings you have. I will pray for you to have peace of mind, clarity of thoughts, and that you are being kind to yourself. I will also say a prayer for your husband, as he needs support too. I hope that your new psych is able to help you with the process of finding the right meds, and that you can have a good relationship with him/her. I hope to get to know you better..Sandi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2005
In reply to: momagainyikes
Mon, 08-31-2009 - 2:21pm

Welcome!

siggy9-4-09.png siggy 9-4-09 image by suemickeym

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
In reply to: momagainyikes
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 1:08pm

Hello,


I just wanted you to know that it's very brave of you to tell your story and you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
In reply to: momagainyikes
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 4:37pm

I just wanted to give yall an update....I appreciate sooooo