Non-venting, but serious problems
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 09-02-2009 - 11:52am |
This might be long, so I appreciate in advance anybody who can manage to read it all.
My life is falling apart. Piece by piece, day by day, it gets worse. My only sibling, my brother, is in prison and gets out (we hope) in February. It's been 6 years now. I just want him home. I miss him, I love him, and he didn't really do anything wrong aside from get in with the wrong people and make some poor decisions - never hurt anybody, there were no victims for his crimes, etc. He is clean now, though, so that's a big plus.
My dad is dying. Slowly and painfully. My mom is standing by him and taking care of him, taking care of the house, doing as much as she can. I don't know how she does it - we're very much alike and if I were her, I'd be sobbing myself to sleep every night. Married 40 years, and now you have to watch the love of your life slipping away? Ugh.
So a few weeks back, my best friend since childhood gives me a call to talk. She went up to visit - my parents were basically her parents, too, she was there so much - and she told me that she really didn't like that my dad is doing assisted suicide.
This was all brand-new to me. Last I heard, like, a year ago... we had a family discussion and he said first, he doesn't qualify, and second, wouldn't be needed because the way this works is one day he's just not going to wake up. So it was pretty much solidified in the family that there wouldn't be any AS. We're fine if that's his choice, and we'd support him... as hard as it would be.
Well... so now he's telling people that he's doing assisted suicide. That about ripped me in two. Hung up with the friend and cried my eyes out for a good hour or two right then, then again all night that night, all night the next night. I love my dad and I don't want to watch this happen again. My grandma died of a brain tumor when I was 15 - we were very, very close. I watched her disintegrate and die. I miss her every single day. My wedding was not complete because she wasn't there.
And now I'm just supposed to wait for a call from the parents saying "well, honey, why don't you & the husband come up next Friday, because that's when Dad wants to die". I have to do what? Go sit there, tell him everything that I don't even have words for, try to be strong and not cry, and then watch my father cease to exist? It hurts. It hurts more than I ever imagined it would.
And now I'm out of work, and the job market sucks. There are about 50,000 of me in this state looking for the same 200 positions. I feel useless. I'm a bum. I try to do houseowkr but I am so freaking sad and so just... exhausted of all energy and motivation, that I wind up getting nothing done.
I haven't even been married 2 months and already it's bad. I make him so mad, and I don't try to... it just seems to happen. I feel really alone and pathetic. I don't even feel like I can talk to him about how I feel because if I tell him I feel these things, he stops listening and says " so do osmething about it" and doesn't just give me a hug. A lot of the time, this kind of stuff could be so easily resolved if I just could get some affection to help me notice hey, this one person, I can still trust him. He's still there for me.
Since I've been out of work it doesn't seem that way anymore. It's more like "oh would you shut up and deal with it" rather than antyhing along the "honey it's ok, we'll make it through" lines. Know what I mean?
So right now... I am isolated, alone, depressed, exhausted, and trying to wrap my brain around whether my husband hates me and whether I can handle watching my father die.

Oh sweetie! I am hurting for you. To hear that your father is choosing AS that is devastating. I know this is not what you want to hear but my father has always said if he gets an incurable illness such as Alzheimers that slowly robs you of your life, he wants to throw himself in front of a semi. That terrifies me. Also what terrifies me is that he has guns in the house (he is an avid hunter). But you know what? He is a 1 yr survivor of prostate cancer and still riding that bicycle of his many miles a day. Another thing, from as little as I have read about your dad, this is the way HE IS CHOOSING to go. The only thing you can do is just support him in whatever he decides and make sure that his last days here on earth are pleasurable.
Bawlskitty, have you been to a counselor to talk about all these feeling you are having? You are experiencing so many life altering things right now and are overwhelmed. It would really be beneficial to be put on some antidepressants also, if you are not already. Also to help straighten your sleep pattern around, you can always take an OTC sleep aid. I would advise not taking Ambien. They claim it is not habit forming but it is. I had one heck of a time going off of it. Up for days on end. Ugh! Currently I have a store brand that I use on occassion, such as high stress days. The next night after taking it, I can always fall
Thanks, Susan. =)
Yeah, it's a really, really hard time in my life right now. I have a lot of stuff - a lot of really stressful stuff - going on all at once. Plus it kills me to watch my dad slowly dying, just like my grandma did. He's got a terminal disease and if he stops treatments (which make him sick and aren't helping much), he'll have 1-2 months off treatment before he passes away. And if he goes that route, he loses his body a lot faster, so it'll just stop functioning. He doesn't want that, none of us want him to go w/o dignity... I'm glad our state has AS as a possible method. It's not fair for our loved and respected parents to have their kids watch them go like this. But when you advocate it, vote for it, etc., it's all different than when it's in your living room. *big deep breath* Know what I mean? Yikes. (Btw, my dad has always said if he ever gets that sick, he'll just shoot himself so we don't have to spend the time, money & grief - so I feel ya).
I wish I could go to a counselor but I have no insurance, no money... I am totally out of luck. I'm talking to a good friend on a daily basis right now, and she's great at helping people through things. Hopefully that can help.
Dear Kitty,
I am so sorry all of this is happening to you.