Rough day
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| Fri, 09-04-2009 - 11:16am |
DH & I had to babysit the nieces last night, which overall was great. Except that... well, he didn't really do anything except sit with the 2 1/2 year old and watch movies, while I took care of the 6-month old, made bottles, fed her, made dinner for all of us, helped the 2 1/2 year old go potty a few times, put the baby to bed, cleaned, etc. So I didn't get to sit down. HE TOOK A NAP. He says he was just tired - well so was I, but it's OUR responsibility - and HIS brother's kids - to do our jobs and take care of the girls when we're watching them, ya know?!
So we went home way late last night, and I was so upset on the way home I didn't say a single word to him. When he acts like that - we go to do something that WE, not I, but WE are asked to do, and >>I<< have to do all of it by myself, it makes me very upset. I don't even feel like I want kids anymore and that's been a huge thing for me in the past couple of years. My dad's dying and he'll never get to see a grandchild. My entire family pressures me - so does his family, our friends, neighbors, etc. I'm getting older and I hate this. And now I don't even feel like I want kids anytime in the next 20 years because this is how it'll be. I'll have to work at least part-time, I'll do everything, and while he's home napping after a leisurely 7 hours at the office with PEOPLE, I'll be stuck here doing everything and getting no human contact, no affection, no anything.
I am so freaking lonely right now. I woke up this morning - actually woke up, thanks to 5 sleeping pills last night, instead of insomnia - and I just wanted to cry. He wouldn't even get up to let the poor dog out.
Oh and the dog. We were gone for about 6 hours last night, and while we're gone, the puppy, our poor sweet puppy, freaks out and makes a mess of her crate and wets herself, spills all the water and dumps the food out of the crate altogether. So we get home at 11 and the poor dog is freaking out, soaked in urine and panicked. And somehow I feel guilty for this because clearly it's my fault, right? I'm obviously the one who did this to the dog (note sarcasm).
I just really hate this. I'm unemployed, I feel useless... I try to clean or do something, and no matter what it is that I do, I don't get a "thank you" or a "hey that's cool" or anything - if it's ANYTHING, it's "well this isn't how I'd have done it" or a general "hmm" about the way I did things, and how I did a crappy job cleaning or whatever.
I am really just sick of all of this. I wake up wishing I'd slept more than an hour the night before, I spend all day cleaning up after the puppy, cleaning the house, applying to as many jobs as possible, sending my resume & cover letter to biz contacts, etc. I don't really get any time for me. After DH gets home, he wants us to do stuff and that's fine, because I miss him. I miss all people.
A few days ago we had a fight and he called me pathetic. I got mad at him for it but the more I think about the nasty things he said to me... he's 100% correct. I am pathetic. I'm unmotivated for anything. I'm usually not very nice to be around.
I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and feel good.

You will wake up and feel good, I promise you that. It will happen!
Now, DH needs to be confronted in what he is not doing. Yes, currently you are at home and the bulk of the work falls on your shoulders but it would be nice if he helped out, correct? Can he change? That remains to be seen.
I want you to ask yourself this - do you want your marriage to work? Can this problem be fixed? Would DH be willing to go to couples counseling with you?
FWIW - In my experience babysitting with DH, I always took the younger child (baby, toddler) as I knew more about them then he did at the time. Without question, it just seemed so natural to do it that way.
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