I'm back and in trouble

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2009
I'm back and in trouble
4
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 7:57am

My need to return to this board is becoming more and more evident to me as I am slipping into old "depression Sandi"... I lurk here from time to time, and post once in a while, but I haven't posted about myself for years. I guess that I am doing so now because I need to get an ear and response (even one) in order to feel that I am not alone with this illness. There has been a series of events leading up to this new stage of my depression. I was once extremely ill, requiring a person care assistant, developed agoraphobia, and generally unable to cope inside or outside of my home. Thankfully, my med "cocktail" was finally found and gradually I began to get better...although never well enough to return to my profession. (I was in computer management and taught at our state's university)... actually, I've never been able to return to work at all..sorry, I'm regressing. I'll zip to the present. After ten years of major clinical depression, seeing a psych monthly, a therapist weekly, I am now on my 4th day w/o a shower, in my pajamas, and not able to take phone calls, been crying alot, cancelling appointments, and overeating. There have been some triggers:  1.) I tore a ligiment in my knee Aug. 5th which has created much pain, PT and now I think I'll need surgery  2.) my husband and I are not getting along..well.. he's been coming home drunk once a week and generally angry when he's that way, so I kicked him into the guest bedroom  3.) he hasn't worked since Xmas so I am using up my money to support us. (well he's back to school at least, but seems to not only been taking over the house but my computer too.. well those are the big triggers anyway.  I missed my last psych appt...and he always spends 75 or so minutes with me, and knew me when I was well..and been there for 10 years....and I know I probably need a med change, but I just feel so down right now that I am shocked! I can't seem to jump start my engine these past few days and just want to stay in bed and watch tv. (oh yeah, can't sleep either).  I have a call into my psych and will make a 2nd one this am but needed to get this all out here and looking for a bit of support cause nobody, NOBODY understands like everyone here does. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know it's just a bad patch and I'll get better again, but right now it doesn't feel that way, and after being so far down that black hole, it's scary to be sitting here on the edge.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 2:34pm

Sandi - it hurts my heart to read your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2009
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 11:07pm
Hon, thank you so much for the encouraging response to my post. Things seem really really bad sometimes, but honestly, I am feeling better tonight. I am on wellbutrin, trileptal, risperdal, then klonopin and restoril and more risperdal to sleep. Dr. didn't call me back yet, but then I didn't call it an "have to" call, so he knows that I'm okay enough to make it without him for now. I talked some with my husband too, and we are working away from the marriage in baby steps. I tried to explain that when he's drunk and verbally aggrivated, that it causes me to get stressed and that makes me sicker. I told him it was just the same as if he had a bad knee, bad enough that he couldn't work, and I kept purposely kicking it because it made me feel better. People don't understand just what their stress does to those of us with severe depression.. even after telling them repeatedly. So, as I see it, it's best if I don't let him do it to me any more. I've been sick for ten long years.. but since I'm feeling better tonight, I'll take it with a smile.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 3:17pm

I'm so glad you're feeling better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2009
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 9:45pm
I am seeing my therapist tomorrow... she's okay, but I wouldn't mind trying someone new if the opportunity ever came up.. but she has helped me alot.. Yes, it's my birthdate.. there were so few opportunities with my name that I finally got frustrated. (not one of my smartest decisions). It's weird to be this old, and feel so young. Anywany, my great mood has just been shot down.. husband is going out after his class. I am going to bed and not going to be available when he gets home. Oh well. C'est la vie I guess. Have a good evening and day tomorrow. (hugs) Sandi