confused???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
confused???
7
Wed, 09-23-2009 - 10:16pm
Ok. This is probly going to be a very long message because I've always been known for rambling on and on. But here it is: I really don't know why I'm depressed. And that is one of the many reasons I hate myself. It doesn't make any sense to not have a reason, but still feel the world collapsing around. I could summarize the past 6 years of my life, but I need to keep this message short because I need to get going. I will add detail if necessary, but really I wonder, why am I so pathetic to read all these terrible things that happen to others, then truthfully have no reason to feel as bad. And wow, for me, this was super brief.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
In reply to: elletennyson
Thu, 09-24-2009 - 7:37am

Elle, if you are depressed, it is NOT your fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2005
In reply to: elletennyson
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 2:08pm
Elle - I am with Deb on this, please post your story. Between all of here on DS we have been through just about anything possible. We may not have the solutions but we can hold your hand and support you while you search for answers.


siggy9-4-09.png siggy 9-4-09 image by suemickeym

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
In reply to: elletennyson
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 8:16pm
No, I'm not seeing a therapist, and doubt that I ever shall... But either way, my story? Its quite dull actually. When I was 11, I first felt depressed, I first felt that sharp pain in my heart that is actually a physical feeling. It happened a lot, when I played my piano or listened to music, I could "feel" the music more strongly than I ever see anyone else do. But I was very temperamental those days- I was smart too. That never helped. I always felt very excluded at school because I had very high morals, had a strong belief in god, was very smart, was not girly at all, and I had a fearful temper. And I could be shy at times. But I felt very out-of-the-group in our small 7 student class. I really only had one best friend who I fought with near daily. Its a miracle our friendship survived, even she'll admit that. But I felt very disliked at school. Then my mom would always tell me what I should do to fit in better- basically it was my fault and I that I should have been doing better. 8th grade: i made one more friend, B., but I only saw him every other day, and he ended up getting held back and that friendship kind of crashed... But I felt like I really didn't know who I really was. I was depressed half the time, but depending on what person I was talking to, I felt like a completely different person for each. So which one was the actual me? I still don't really know who I am in a way... But either way, now that I look back on it, I wonder if I never really was left out or if I felt left out just b/c I thought I was... I was 13 when I first felt suicidal, and I then told my mom that I thought I was depressed. One thing about me: when I am saying something extremely serious, I can't help but pretend and act cheery, smiley, and happy... otherwise nothing can come out of my mouth. So she didn't believe me. The next (and last) time I mentioned it to her, she told me that it was a conspiracy of the drug companies, and that I'm not depressed. Ha! I was ready to go jump off my cliff (that was the only way I was going to do it) Shows how much she knows... Sometimes I wonder if I would have jumped just to prove my point. But since highschool was coming, I waited. I knew it was going to be a completely fresh start. I'd lose everyone I'd ever known and go, alone, to a class of 128 people. I was very excited, and that's probly what helped the most. And yes, I suddenly drastically switched personalities with my freshman year, I was outgoing, nice, 4.0 student (living up to my 2 sisters)and only at home did anyone complain about my personality. Freshman year was pretty great and I thought that everything was done with on the depression front. I was wrong. Summers are my relapse period. I think it could be the boredom and solitary confinement that living in the country is. But yes, I'd feel depressed, and be terribly down for a while. Then I'd say "I'm better and stronger than that!" and I'd suddenly find it super easy to be happy and hyper. It never lasted. Sophomore year I found the first guy that I really really liked. A-- I find it funny now that back then, I actually worried that being around him would affect my social status. He is the only reason I am still alive, and he'll never know it. Because of him, I'm not afraid to be whoever I am and I have a sense of pride and I don't have self-image problems (externally at least). Sadly, that year, my best friend, S--, also said that she liked him... so I backed off for their happiness... I find out now (now that they are a sort-of couple) that he did like me back then. I suppose I could go into the pathetic drama that has surrounded my life for the past 2 years, but that could be pointless- and take a long time. Even though, A-- is near completely my entire life for these years. Its as if I revolve around him and I don't like that feeling. I want to be my own person.... but that just isn't happening. Either way, things have gotten hectic in that drama. After a recent near-insignificant event, I broke down completely, and smashed my self esteem relentlessly for a day and got better. Then the next two days I crashed again because of S---, but got over that and was fine for a bit. The next week, I fell completely. How I feel: So absolutely depressed and I am dangerous. I don't cut myself... because my car keys weren't sharp enough when I had lost it, and I'm back in conrtol of myself. I refuse to die, because I want to live, but I feel empty, I'm a zombie or in a limbo because I can't live, but I refuse to die. My stubborness is a good trait, but I'm wearing thin. One day I'll be depressed and not knowing how I'm going to make it, but in the end, I just flip a switch and force myself to be happy, and it works for a while. a very short while. Its like rapidly changing idea. I either am being terrible self-critical and pessimistic, or I feel that life is going for the better. I barely want to wake up anymore because I don't want to stumble through another day, but then, like today, I am ready to keep fighting. That's the mood I'm in now- fighting. But it won't last- I know that. Two days ago, I was not. Two days ago, I was scared. Two days ago, i lost who i am (if I ever knew...) Two days ago, I noticed I had completely spaced out through a class and was rocking back and forth and shaking like a maniac. I always seem to be shaking these days... Only on times when I am typing, and I not emotional. That's why I've been going on facebook so much, the typing is the only way I calm myself down. That's why this message is getting so long... I spose I should end it for now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
In reply to: elletennyson
Sat, 09-26-2009 - 5:51am

I don't think there is a limit to how long your post should be, so write what you need to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
In reply to: elletennyson
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 11:36pm
Okay. I've spent hours typing and retyping this message and it keeps getting deleted because my computer is stupid and I have a temper. So I am going to summarize this so completely that it will probly miss a lot. Basically my mood swings are really getting notorious among close friends and they are getting over controlling. One day I'll be doomsday pessimistic and the next I will be ready to happily fight for the future. It varies day by day, hour by hour. I'm kind of just accepting that fact. Its part of who I am and undoubtedly probly not going to change. But my drama is that (I'm just going to start using pseudonyms so the initials I had in previous messages probly won't match up.).... and GRRR!!! this computer just lost the rest of my message and I've typed it 5 times now, and I'm just frustrated. It seems fate is blocking me from typing my stupid problems with my 3 best friends... but i am really getting sick of this... and I am worried tonight that my nice best friend (I'll give her the pseudonym of Jill) is mad at me... and I can't deal with anymore stupid drama than i already have... and its all so childish. Why can't i move on already?!?!!?!?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
In reply to: elletennyson
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 6:21am

Elle, after reading your last message it seems to me that you could have bipolar diorder, or at the very least an undefined mood disorder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
In reply to: elletennyson
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 9:57pm
All I have to say is, thanks. I really needed something. Right now, I'm back into a normal phase state. I know its most like not over, but for now, I will be able to live normally. Maybe I am bipolar, but there's really nothing i'd do about it. I just am going to have to learn to deal with it the best i can.