New & Need to Vent
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| Thu, 09-24-2009 - 10:59am |
Hi everyone. I really just need to vent with some people who, I hope, can understand my point of view. I have been told I am depressed. I have some sort of mood problem, no doubt, and maybe depression really is the right term for it. I've felt kind of down my entire life. I know logically that I'm an attractive, smart, and fun person, but I usually feel bad about myself and my life. I have never seriously considered suicide really, but I think about it a lot because I just feel so trapped in my life. It is ridiculous though...
In the past year I've lost 50 pounds, putting me in the healthy weight range for my height for the first time in my entire life. I worked really hard to lose the weigh, yet I still feel bad about my appearance. In the last year I've also bought a house (a nice one, at that!), gotten married, and started my own business. On top of that, I have a job most people would kill for. I'm not trying to brag, but just show how out of whack my own thoughts are with reality. I have no reason to be unhappy at all, yet I am. I feel so trapped and I just desperately want to get away, yet I have no idea where I'd go or what I would do that would be better than what I have anyway...
I have anger issues in that I can feel fine one moment, and small annoyance or inconvenience will have me feeling completely enraged. So much so that I wonder if I should even bother with anything. It makes no logical sense, of course.
I went to my doctor and she said that I appear to have major depression. She prescribed me Wellbutrin at first, but I started getting migraine headaches on the 3rd day I took it, then again on the 4th day, again on the 5th day. Obviously it didn't work with me. She switched me to Lexapro and after a week or so on it I was feeling great... I felt how I can only assume normal people feel all the time. Those little things weren't bugging me and I was able to just brush it off and move on. I've never been able to do that. Unfortunately, Lexapro gave me migraines too, it just took longer. I ended up seeing a neurologist and she prescribed Celexa for me instead. I had a prescription for a 50 day supply and I was feeling good again, and headache free.
Here's the thing... last week I needed a refill and when I got back from the pharmacy I realized that I was given a different brand of generic Celexa. I thought nothing of it initially and kept on as I had been. But, it has been 2 weeks now and I feel as though I have completely relapsed. I feel now the way I did prior to taking anything at all, I'm angry, upset, feeling hopeless, and back to my pastime of buying lottery tickets because I feel like they're they only thing that give me any hope of happiness.
I went to the pharmacy to see if I could get the same type of Celexa I had gotten before. The pharmacy tech was completely rude about it and basically told me I was crazy and that there is no difference. I have read so many articles online about how generic medications are not always exactly the same, and how they will vary from one manufacturer to another. I am so irritated with this pharmacy, I won't be going back. I know I'm depressed, I know my emotions aren't like everyone else's, but I am not insane. I'm not delusional. I'm actually a very intelligent person. I know how my emotions have changed and I know my own feelings. I am crazy in a lot of ways, but I'm not a total idiot. I actually did a google search about changing from name brand to generic Celexa and this is the very first result:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17664246
Anyway, I am sorry this is so long. I mostly just needed to vent, I think, but if anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to them. I don't know what to do (already left a message for my doctor). I don't see any point in taking a medication that isn't providing me with any benefit as I really don't like taking pills at all. I don't even take ibuprofen for a headache! But, I've accepted that something isn't quite balanced in my brain and it's not something I can just ignore because my emotions are all over the place and cause me to say things that I'm embarrassed about later. My husband hates seeing me upset, and I've been upset a lot lately.




I so totally identify with your post.