Ready to it Quits on Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Ready to it Quits on Life
7
Sun, 10-04-2009 - 12:54pm

I read the other post of the husband that took his life and it sounds like my situation a little bit only reversed. I've suffered depression, PTSD, Social Anxiety with Agorophobia and non specific eating disorder. I also have cystic fibrosis, GERD, Migraines and aTendon Tear.

I'm currently waiting for trial on Social Security disability and then I can afford my entire bills on my own. Right now, I'm stuck because I depend on my husband for a paycheck. Right now that's all he's here for. I can't afford this place on my own as I only bring in public assistance right now. I can't go to my parents as they don't have room and they are more controlling than my husband. I want out of the marriage so bad and seems like I can't. Homeless shelters won't help me because they would have to split up my daughter and I as we can't get into an abusive womens shelter because it's not physical abuse. I really don't know what to do.

I take fluoxetine 60mg and xanax 1mg every 4-6 hours. Everyone knows there is something definitely wrong right now but I can't share except to my therapist but they just give me survival tips for now and I try them. Sometimes it works, other times it backfires in my face.

I try to be on the computer or working on jigsaw puzzles when he is home, but then get told I'm avoiding him. Have to have sex at least once a day or I'm cheating. Stuff like that. I've lost all energy, all drive. I just want to sleep all the time or be on here. Help me please.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Sun, 10-04-2009 - 2:53pm

Jennifer - nothing is worth taking your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2009
Sun, 10-04-2009 - 8:23pm
Hi Jennifer. My name is Sandi. I am not here very much but I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. I think that it's going to take a while for you to sort out your life, but sometimes it helps to take it one day at a time, 1/2 day at a time or one hour at a time or 10 minutes at a time. You have a daughter and she needs you. Please know that I am praying for you. Your situation can get better with alot of work, but most of all, you need to believe it can... I wish I could hug you. Know that you are cared about. I will look for further posts from you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 8:58am

Thank you for the words of support. I've already contacted an attorney and get the marriage nullified but I have no where to go with my child if I leave. Yet, if he leaves right now I can't afford this place on my own. The shelters wont help me even the ones for domestic abuse. They will help just me. My daughter would have to go to social services. I don't think so. Being on the computer and doing puzzles is relaxing until he starts harping on me for not spending time with him. I forgot in my last post to mention that I have RLS/PLMD, REM Sleep Behavior Disorder and Parasomnia. I just have no friends anymore, no desire to leave the house. I do have an appointment today with my psychiatrist so that couldn't be more perfect and my psychologist on Friday. I signed up for groups however with my depression and anxiety I never seem to get there. I will be going to the Mayo Clinic at some point. My doctors sent a referral and just waiting for insurance approval now. Thanks for your support. I also do exercise about an hour a day. I don't know. Now I'm just rambling

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2009
Fri, 10-09-2009 - 11:10pm
Hi, Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you... I think you are very brave. I'm hoping that you are doing better this weekend and are finding little things to be happy about. Sometimes it's too difficult to take on everything at once, but I find keeping a journal keeps me grounded and helps me stay focused while ranting and raving to myself, if that makes any sense. I'm saying a prayer for you tonight. Remember, be kind to yourself, ok?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2008
Tue, 10-13-2009 - 12:34am
I'm so sorry for what you are going through and your pain. I can relate to feeling exhausted and wanting to sleep. On my days off from work I do sleep a lot and just try to rest. I am in an abusive situation with my aunt who I work for. She is verbally and emotionally abusive to me and it sounds like your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive to you and I know how painful and draining that can be. But, you are taking steps in the right direction to get out of that situation. Hang in there! We are here for you! Post anytime you need to. There is nothing wrong with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 10-16-2009 - 11:55pm
I can really sympathize with you as I have the same feelings for my husband as you do with yours. He is a drug addict and right now is in treatment but because of all the things that he has put me and the kids through I can never feel the same about him. I suffer from major depression and have severe anxiety attacks both of which I am on medication for. I find since I spend so much time on line that it helps to write blogs. There are lots of sits that you can use. For some people writing about your feelings can be a big help..It also is nice to escape online and actually have someone to chat with, someone that actually cares to listen to what you have to say..
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2009
Sat, 10-31-2009 - 12:13am

Hi Jennifer,

I just recently joined this forum, and I feel for you. My depression has never gotten as bad as you are feeling now, but I can sympathize with what you're going through. Try to focus on what is most important to you (your daughter, yourself) and just hang on and be good to yourself until you have enough energy to get you and your daughter out of this situation. Be very patient and kind with yourself when you're feeling down, and when you have the energy, research other places you and your daughter can go to get away from your husband. There may be places other than homeless shelters and shelters for abused women that will take you in. And come back and talk to us on these forums, because you're not alone. I'll be thinking of you...

Christine